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New Year Dec, 30, 2009
Yes, that was a planned Banana News headline. Then the… »
Top Stories
Department of Education Orders Recall of Five Hundred Thousand High School Graduates
Work-Shop Math Used to Pound the Lesson Home
Sept 4, 2010
The Education Department has announced that it is recalling a half million high school graduates after officials discovered a defect in the nation’s educational system. According to unnamed sources, several parts of the U.S. educational system were found to be working improperly. Providing one example, an unnamed… »
Sacramento Man Complains That His Brain Has Been Turned into a Public Website
Internet Spam Bombards Man’s Left Front Lobe
September 1, 2010
Sacramento police reported that at midnight on the twenty-sixth of August a worried sounding Sacramento Man called 911 to complain that spammers were attacking his website with malicious comments and salacious advertisements. The emergency operator immediately routed the call to the Sacramento cyber-crime unit; staffed with two… »
Republicans: Restrict Citizenship to Those Conceived and Born in the United States
Fear that Sex Vacations Could Create U.S. Citizens
August 22, 20101
Senate Republications recently introduced a bill that would compel U.S. citizenship to begin at conception. The new bill, the Family Patriotic Planning Act, proposes to restrict U.S. citizenship to persons who have been both conceived and born inside the United States. However, bill sponsors emphasized that persons… »
New Poll: A Majority of Politicians Disapprove of the Recent Performance of Voters
Across the Political Spectrum Politician Distrust in Voters is at an All Time High.
August 2, 2010
A recent Zugsby poll of elected officials serving in county, state, and national offices has revealed that that 72% of the nation’s politicians disapprove of the recent performance of American voters. Poll results indicated that 90% percent of politicians who… »
Greek Baker Leaves the Euro-Zone: Sets off Currency Stampede
New Currencies Backed By Assets More Valuable than Gold
July 25, 2010
Emilio Papalo Lupapa, a baker from the Greek city of Thessaloniki, recently stunned world financial markets when he declared that he was leaving the Euro-zone and adopting his own currency.
A statement posted on the door of Mr. Lupapa’s bakery shop declared that the new currency… »
Horticultural Crops Break Out of Greenhouses; Rogue Plants Spreading Across the Planet
EPA Official Claims the Atmosphere was Ripe for a Breakout
November 21, 2009—(Note: Article Semi-finalist placement in Humor-Press Contest)
Just as White House officials began searching for a carbon neutral way to transport the President to December’s Global Warming summit in Copenhagen USDA plant scientists, announced that thirty six different horticultural and vegetable crops have escaped… »
Russian-American Spy Swap A First Step in The New Spy Exchange Program
Double Agents Are Just the First Tround-Around Also
July 17, 2010
According to planned intelligence leaks, last week’s spy-swap between Russia and the United States represents the beginning of a new cross-country spy exchange program between the two countries. Carefully calculated White House leaks, and a gusher from the Office of the Vice President, indicate that the… »
Afghan War Strategy Hampered by Warlord Fighting: American Warlord Fighting
The Americans Rush In Where Afghans Fear to Tread
July 11, 2009
For over a thousand years tribalism and warlord rivalry have prevented Afghanistan from functioning as a modern state with a strong government and central air conditioning. However, as Pashtu Chiefs, Tajik governors, and Farsi speaking tribal leaders step aside and recognize the authority of the… »
American Oil-Rig Commentary Explodes, While World Cup Commentary Goes Offsides
A Move to Make Oil Drilling and Unemployment Debate an Official Sport
July 3, 2010
Across the nation Americans have always proudly flaunted their ignorance of world events, written news stories, and correct spelling. Yet this past month Americans have suddenly demonstrated an acute expertise in the engineering principles of off shore drilling and depression era economics…. »
Gasoline Anonymous Shelters Overwhelmed by Americans Seeking Oil Addiction Treatment
A growing ethanol subsidy addiction not far behind.
June 27, 2010
Recent statements by politicians, and news commentators, regarding the American addiction to oil are driving thousand of U.S. citizens to seek help at “Gasoline Anonymous” shelters throughout the country. Shelter owners report people staggering though the front door, dropping SUV keys onto the floor, and begging… »