Sept 4, 2010

The Education Department has announced that it is recalling a half million high school graduates after officials discovered a defect in the nation’s educational system. According to unnamed sources, several parts of the U.S. educational system were found to be working improperly.  Providing one example, an unnamed education official said that thousands of high schools mistakenly had routed first year algebra students to work-shop class; where the students were taught to use four inch pliers and adjustable wrenches to factor third order polynomials.  

A second unnamed source said that education officials also discovered that half of the nation’s high school English students had been issued abridged poetry books; which, for example, had replaced the Edgar Allen Poe expression “nevermore” with the term: “Polly want a cracker” .

A third unnamed source, told reporters that he was still waiting for his parents to provide him with a name.

The third source also said that no one defect dominated the Education Department’s recall decision. Rather, the source said, department officials decided that the cumulative impact of hundreds of minor education defects meant that letting loose a half a million high school graduates on the nation’s universities and job market would compromise public safety, undermine the economy, and increase the ratings of the Fox news network.

A fourth source, Dr. Crave Vivid, disputed the decision to recall half a million high school graduates. Instead Dr. Vivid argued that educators should use My-space and Face-book, to send corrective homework upgrades to the half million defective high school graduates.

Bloggers blasted the idea, saying that putting school homework on Face-book would prove to be more explosive than building a ten-minaret mosque inside the kitchen of Sarah Palin’s Alaskan home and using it to call her husband to prayer five times a day.

Dr. Vivid predicted that school-based homework would go extinct in the next decade unless:

– teachers post all assignments on social network sites.

and,

– reward correct answers with pop-up invitations to midnight slumber parties.

The School Administrators Clamp Down

The day following the recall announcement, an officially unnamed-official of the American School Administrators union informed anxious parents that faulty class room content was not the key reason for the student recall. Rather, the officially-unnamed-official said that careful analysis of graduating student records uncovered 2.4 million late homeroom arrivals, 3.1 million cafeteria violations, and over 18 million  cell-phones calls from high-school parking lots.

Dr. Vivid responded by telling reporters that such defects would not prove to be serious to the economy, since homerooms, cafeteria rules, and cell-phone restricted parking lots, are rarely found in business establishments or at universities.

The head of the School Administrator’s Union, responded by telling reporters that U.S. businesses do not tolerate late homeroom arrivals, even when there is no homerooms to arrive to.

Dr. Vivid countered, saying that students who have a track record of arriving late to homeroom, might be efficiently allocating resources to their most productive uses and might prove to be the sort of worker who improve’s U.S. productivity rates.

The head of the School Administrator’s Union asserted that she had already that said late homeroom arrivals would not be tolerated by the colleges and businesses in the U.S. economy.

Dr. Vivid changed tack and pointed out that it would be a waste of resources to recall a half million graduating seniors in order to make them sit through hours of lost high school homeroom time.

Within an hour of the debate, a School Administrator Union lawyer assured concerned parents that recalled students would not be forced to sit through hundreds of hours of lost homeroom time. Rather, he said, that the half a million students were being recalled so they could be suspended from school.

Dr. Vivid said that it did not make sense to recall a half a million students in order to suspend them from schools which they longer attended.

The Head of the School Administrator’s Union suggested that Dr. Vivid go find his old high school and return to his senior year homeroom class before he had his US citizenship suspended for ten days.

The Recall Debate Expands

As the high school recall debate raged, a High School Graduate from Dade City Florida, prominently announced on Facebook that Kyle-Hank-Justin was his name. He then challenged education officials to get a life with a public name.

The next day, three education officials, who asked to be called Code Z-z-1, Code Z-z-2, and Bob, said that education department files showed that one Kyle-Hank had built up a “record” of slovenly home room appearances and teen-style slouching in cafeteria lines. The officials also pointed out that the very same Kyle-Hank had a history of busting up polynomial formulas in algebra shop-class with metal-tipped hammers.

Within minutes of the Kyle-Hank Face-book announcement, California officials declared that they were recalling two hundred thousand kindergarten graduates.

A California education official, who called himself Suspend, told reporters that the recall was initiated after State officials discovered that recently hired teaching assistants, with high school degrees, had used overly agressive methods to teach Kindergarten math.

In an off the record statement, Suspend told reporters that the teaching assistants had been teaching five year old kids to count from “one” to “ninety-nine” by aggressively pounding each number with a metal- tipped workshop hammer.”

September 1, 2010

Sacramento police reported that at midnight on the twenty-sixth of August a worried sounding Sacramento Man called 911 to complain that spammers were attacking his website with malicious comments and salacious advertisements. The emergency operator immediately routed the call to the Sacramento cyber-crime unit; staffed with two police onlookers, a switchboard operator, and eight hyper-active teenage hires.

The switchboard operator asked the caller for his web address before recording the following group conversation:

The caller: “It’s like a LLL. Address”

Operator: “Is that  www@LLL.com or www.@LLLorg, or something else all together?”

Caller: “Actually, the L’s and W’s go other way around.”

Operator: “Oh, I switched the first W with the third W?”

Caller: “Yeah, something like that.”

Operator: “So the adress is a www rather than a www?”

Caller: ”No, yes, the L’s are turned backwards too.”

Operator “So your address is www@LLL rather than www@LLL?”

Caller: “No one gets it.  I am being spammed.  I receive an  incoming hassle every second. EVERY SECOND!  And all anyone cares about are whether my W and L’s are forwards, backwards, or upside down —No!

My webaddress is: LLL@www.Me”

Operator: “Me?”

Caller: “Yeah I have a ‘Me’ website.”

Operator: “Me?”

Caller: “Well, last I heard, I am at ‘Me’. If I wasn’t at Me, I don’t know where I would be. Like, I am not at YOU. Because you are at YOU.”

Operator: ‘I’m at me?”

Caller: ‘No you are at YOU. I am the one at me.”

Teenage cyber security expert: “So, what’ the LLL all about?”

Caller: “Local Lobe Location”

 Teenager: “Local Lobe Location, LOL.”

Caller: “NO, it’s LLL.”

Teenager: “Yes, that is what I said. LLL is LOL.”

Caller: “NO, NO, LLL is LLL. My website located inside my local left lobe.”

Teen: “Local left lobe?”

Caller: “Yeah, my Brain was converted into a Website.”

Teen: “Wow, LOL.”

Caller: “It’s LLL WWW.”

Teen: “So what’s the www about?“

Caller: “We work wonders.”

Teen: “What wonders?”

Caller: “Local lobe location wonders.”

Teen : “Like, you mean it’s a wonder that your local left lobe has been wired and wedded to a working website with a local lobe locator latch?”

Caller: “Except I forgot to put up spam blockers and everybody is harassing me and destroying my ability to read the latest issue of Wired Magazine. Why can’t the police just cut off the spammers at their computer entry ports?”

Teen: “Wow, LOL”

Caller: “No no its LLL@www.  You keep inserting empty O’s into the middle of things.”

 Police onlooker: “Sir Mr.?”

Caller: “Mr. Einsteinhope”

 Police: “Mr. Einsteinhope. Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist?”

Caller: “That’s Dr. Mr. Einsteinhope. I am a psychiatrist, PHD UCLA Class of 1988.”

Police: “Did you hear voices in your head before your brain became a popular website?”

Caller: “My brain-located website only receives print and pictures. Why do I have to say that again?

Right now, I am getting these aggressive pop-up ads to sign up for a free subscription to News of the Weird. I don’t care about weird stories. I just want a good spam blocker.”

Teen: “Just how I did your brain become a website?”

Caller: “Well at first, it wasn’t on purpose.”

Police: “Your brain, or the website?”

Caller: “It really started after the cell phone fell into my left ear.”

Operator: ‘Does EAR, refer to some electronic acronym that we don’t know about, yet?”

Caller: “I was discussing my ping pong paddle’s performance with my ping-pong-workout partner when my wife goes and starts another bark-and-yell confrontation with our dog.  The only way I could hear was to lean my ear closer to the cell phone.”

Police: “So?”

Caller: “Well that’s when I dropped the phone.”

But, I did manage to get great inner ear-bone photos uploaded to my computer.”

Police: “Did your computer fall down your ear too?”

Caller: “Not a first. I mean, not until later. After we tried to use it to get the cell phone out.”

Teen: “How did you expect to remove a cell phone from your inner ear with a computer?”

Caller: “I wasn’t trying to physically remove the cell phone. We were trying to upload the information from the cell phone that was stuck in my inner ear to my computer; which my wife was holding against my outer ear. But then, the dog barked again and my wife dropped the computer. It fell down my ear and landed right up under my left frontal brain lobe.”

 Police: “But how could a three foot wide device such as a computer fall through such a tiny channel such as your inner ear?”

Caller: “How are babies born? These things happen.”

Teen: ‘If you don’t want your brain to be spammed anymore, why don’t you just quit paying your web-host provider? Then, they will shut down your website.”

Caller: “And shut down a quarter of my brain. Do you want me to have the IQ of a moron?

Second Teen: “We don’t think you have to worry about crossing any threshold.”

Caller: “So what do I do about these spammers that are driving me crazy?”

Third Teen: “We send your story to News of The Weird. Then you just answer your spam and sign up for full time subscription.”

Second teen: “News of the Weird will send your website a story about the man with the website brain. Then, you lock the message into a repeating-loop. This will send millions of copies of the Weird article about your website-brain to your website-brain.”

Third Teen: “Then your brain will be back to spamming its own self, just like with any normal person.”

Caller: “Just like a normal person?”

Operator: ”I think this call is getting a little too strange to record.”

Teen: “What? We hired an operator who has a brain that does not spam itself with weird ideas, money worries, and worn out pornographic thoughts every two minutes? Maybe we should send her story to News of the Weird too. They won’t believe it.”

Operator: “That ‘s it! Help 911! Get me a new job. I’m working in an office that is surrounded by living-breathing completely weird human spam! ”

August 22, 20101

Senate Republications recently introduced a bill that would compel U.S. citizenship to begin at conception. The new bill, the Family Patriotic Planning Act, proposes to restrict U.S. citizenship to persons who have been both conceived and born inside the United States. However, bill sponsors emphasized that persons who had been conceived inside U.S. territories, such as Guam or Puerto Rico, would have the right to apply to U.S. citizenship; if they could prove that English poetry or American music was used to seduce either parent.

Republicans denied that the bill was an attempt to embarrass President Obama. Rather, sponsors said that the proposed new law was an attempt to make U.S. citizenship rights consistent with Conservative philosophy on abortion, marriage, and harassment of prominent Democrats.

Democratic Senators immediately declared the proposed law unconstitutional, unenforceable, and unfair to people whose parents drank alcohol before having sex and who usually have no recollection of personal events.

Democrat Governors blasted the proposed law saying it would encourage millions of foreign couples to fly thousands of miles to their State; just to have sex. Southern Democrat politicians added that the proposed “birth and conception” law risks turning the entire country into an international brothel.

News reporters quickly pointed out that thousand of foreigners already fly to United Sates just to have sex; particularly in locations such as Southern California, Miami Beach,- —Hawaii,—–and 42 street New York.

Republicans quickly lashed out at the media for failing to distinguish between foreign visitors who exchange sex while fulfilling the sacrament of marriage and foreigners seeking loose, slippery, pickup sex with American strangers in prime time TV locations.

Said Mississippi Congressman Thadieus Maxigrandon the third:

“It is just like the Democrat media to forget that to most Americans, consensual sex event is not a onetime recreational thrill like a chug-and-plunge roller coaster ride or a groping stumble through the house of reflecting mirrors. Rather martial sex is a merry, go-round ride (and not so merry go-round), filled with regular cycles, ups and downs, and which, occasionally produces a bewildered crying kid. ”

Democrats declared themselves un-amused by the Republican carnival description of sex. However, Democrats admitted that they could understand why sex outside marriage turns out to be a onetime event for most Republicans.

Republicans quickly hit back, charging their Democrat opponents of living in a world without family values, solid bedposts, or marriage books filled with sex diagrams backed by explanatory trigometric formulas.

Republican Maxigrandon proclaimed:

“No international person of the world would fly to this great nation just to conceive an American citizen for the sinful purpose of slithering their family’s own genes into our country.  Everyone knows that every hotel room in the United States has a Gideon bible that stands guard next to every bed.”

Democrats pointed out that in Mexico there is a bed next to every bible. And that every year, millions of American voters fly to the Mexico just to have sex.

A feminist spokesperson added that each year thousands of American male chauvinists flee to other countries in fear of assertive American women and end up fathering foreign children in the process.

Tea party activists seized on the Democratic-Feminist statement as proof that Barack Obama was conceived in a mosque located in the middle of a radical Muslim country such as Somali.

Scholars representing nine religions, and one yoga group, responded by telling reporters that the strict and pious nature of the Muslim religion insured that such an event would be inconceivable even in the imagination of the most imaginative Muslim worshipper.

Republicans quickly lashed out at the religious scholars for being unable to distinguish between Muslims who follow strict codes of conduct and Americans who fanaticize about having loose, slippery pickup sex with foreign strangers in prime time news locations.

Democrats hit back by stating that Republican conservatives had just admitted that they had more in common with distant foreign Muslims than made-and-conceived in the U.S.A., Democrats.

In response, Republicans quickly lashed out at Democrats for being unable to distinguish between responsible Republican remarks and media hungry remarks meant to seek out loose, slippery, pickup coverage on prime time TV channels.

A Tech Fix to All American Conception

As the debate raged above them, Senate aides and interns burrowed into the paperwork, footnotes, and details of the proposed  Patriotic Family Planning Act only to run aground on the issue of verification.

A summer intern told his Senator that his sister, a graduate student  at MIT’s Human Chromosome Lab, had spliced  the letter sequence “Made in the USA” into the DNA of her boyfriend’s  twenty second chromosome. And that she had posted “picture-proof” of the accomplishment on her boyfriend’s Face-book page.

The next day, liberal Republicans and Joe Biden immediately proposed splicing an amendment into the Patriotic Family Planning bill that would require all American citizens to have the “Made in the USA” gene sequence spliced into their personal DNA.

The following day, Democratic detractors and Joe Biden expressed concern that, if  the “Made in the USA”; DNA lettering was incorporated into the twenty second chromosome of every American, the gene sequence might evolve and mutate into a “Made in China” letter sequence.

After a week of deliberation, President Obama dropped into the fray, as he descended from the Air Force One helicopter, and said that he doubted any American parent had the ability to remember where their child was “physically” conceived.

Hundreds of reporters and camera crews charged forward demanding that the President come clean about where he had been conceived.

The President quickly backed up onto the first step of the White House helicopter and briefly revealed a cool detached grin before answering;

“Where was I conceived? In the same place everyone else is conceived. That is, in my mother’s imagination the day after she met my father.”

August 17, 2010

Last Thursday, on the afternoon of August 12th, six teenagers, and one tag-a-long eleven year old, discovered a large cluster of job openings inside the warehouse district of the Chantilly, Virginia; a town located just outside the Washington D.C. beltway.

The boys, students at Chantilly High School, were riding bicycles to their favorite skateboard hangout, a loading ramp inside an abandoned warehouse located next to the Northern Virginia table tennis club, when one of the boys, 14 year old Boyd Jackson, spotted the top right corner of a sign lying buried beneath a pile of wood planks and storage pallets.

The boys carefully walked over to the covered sign and used their skateboards to pry loose the clutter that had hidden the sign from view. Once free, the boys stepped back to discover an astonishing announcement written in large white letters against an orange background:

“HELP  DESPerately Wanted

Hundreds of JOB Openings. Cal 1-603-334-6532 for a job today!

Or ask Bob at warehouse number (no.) 5.

The boys later told police that, realizing that they had discovered a site loaded with a rare and precious resource, they hurriedly covered up the sign and vowed to not tell anyone except their Skate-board teacher.

According to police, the boys then went looking for “Bob” but instead ran into Dong Li Zhang a coach at the Northern Virginia table tennis center, who forced the boys to practice hundreds of premeditated, Tai Chi, pedal movements before permitting the teenagers to jump on their bikes and ride home. 

That evening, the boy’s secret, was quickly shattered when eleven year old Floyd Jackson, Boyd’s younger brother, told his father Lloyd, about the job discovery.

Within fifteen minutes, forty two year old Lloyd Jackson was hired by “Chantilly Floor and Associated Loose Tiles Incorporated.”

Twenty minutes later, Lloyd’s twenty eight year old nephew Android Jackson, was hired by the “Chantilly Closet Repair, Kitchen Remolding, and Bathroom Release Company”.

The next morning, a stampede of frenzied job seekers descended on the Chantilly warehouse-district, searching for jobs, “Bob” or any coach who could relate the spin on a ping-pong serve to the opening statement of a job interview.

As news of the job rush spread, an alarmed Chantilly police force set up road blocks, bike-trail blocks, and skateboard checks to control the frantic mob of job seekers. Backup police soon arrived, seeking work for their unemployed spouses and relatives.

By eight thirty A.M., sixteen separate vendor stands were selling spellchecked resumes, “I’m Bob” tee shirts, and random generated social security numbers to job seekers and tag-along relatives.

At nine A.M., forty two white males emerged out of warehouse number 5 gripping work contract forms and wearing “Kitchen Remodeling and Bathroom Release” Uniforms.

A frenzied mob of job seekers quickly charged into warehouse 5 looking for Bob or any shape resembling a badly squashed employment line.

As the mob swelled, vendors switched to renting spellchecked resumes, “I’m NOT Bob” tee shirts, and  “Your fired if you touch me” sweat pants.

At ten A.M., two camera crews arrived on the scene and announced, live on T.V., that they had discovered one hundred and six unfilled jobs in warehouse 4. 

A frenzied mob of job seekers stormed warehouse 4 only to find that two minutes after the camera crew visit, all one hundred and six jobs had moved to China.

At 11 A.M., Homeland Security agents caught fourteen Nicaraguans and six Mexicans, at the Arizona-Mexican border who each claimed to be headed to Chantilly, Virginia, in order to help their cousin Bob move back to central America.

 At 12 noon, the mob of Chantilly job seekers spotted a hunched-over man quietly slipping out the backside of warehouse 5, wearing an “I’m not Bob” tee-shirt. The mob quickly descended upon the escaping man, who turned and shouted “Can’t you read. I’m really not Bob.”

The crowd responded by hurling hundreds of “Your fired if you touch me” sweat pants at the man’s upper vocal cords.

Meanwhile, TV newscasters announced that eleven year old Floyd Jackson had called his skateboard teacher and said that he had been offered work picking up balls at the Northern Virginia table tennis center in warehouse 7.

Hundreds of desperate job seekers rushed over to warehouse 7 and offered to pick up ping pong balls, loose change, and even their own selves by their “made in China”, sandal straps.

Unable to pick up pick-up jobs or advice on ping pong spins, job seekers slowly started drifting back towards warehouse 4 searching for any hidden cluster of  job offers.

Within minutes, a blaring loud speaker at warehouse 7 announced that “Bob” had won first place in North Virginia’s monthly table tennis tournament.

The mob spun around and scrambled back to ware house 7 to confront the league winner, who, insisted:

“Hey, I’m not that Bob.”

As, Bob began to say “I’m not that Bob” the Congressman handed free “We are all Bob” tee shirts to the members of the crowd before starting up the SUV siren and speeding off.

As job seekers wriggled into the free tee shirts, the crowd dissolved into clusters of negotiation as confused job seekers began asking each other for work.

Meanwhile, Boyd Jackson, slipped through a police skateboard check, wheeled over behind warehouse 6, and dug out the orange employment sign.

As Boyd hauled the sign up onto his bike handle bars, a young blond woman in tight jeans and orange smock rushed out of the abandoned ware-house and demanded that Boyd hand back her “painting”.

The police rushed over to the female artist and demanded that she explain herself and the orange and white employment sign. The lady artist quickly snapped:

“Don’t touch that sign. I’m packing it up and sending it to my boss. He’s needs it for his three star ping-pong ball factory.”

The backup police asked: “Lady who is and where in the heck is,  your boss?”

The Lady artist: “He’s waiting at the factory in China.  He is some rich Bailed-Out Oriental Banker, who describes himself as: ‘BOB’, for short.”

August 8, 2010

Fortune magazine recently reported that the nation’s CEO’s are holding back on investment plans and are blaming women for the vacillating movements of the U.S. economy. While flush with billions of dollars in cash, and ready to invest at the slightest sign of economy recovery, executives say that the current indecisive wobbles of the economy are so closely related to their wife’s shopping habits that they are unwilling to bet on recovery.

CEO’s attributed the economy’s behavior to the increasing prevalence of female breadwinners; who’s growing influence has created an economy that cannot decide whether to grow, fall back into recession, or wait for an new government stimulus before deciding whether to expand or shrink.

C.E.O. Mike Bolten of “Built-Right Lug-Bolts.”, a Columbus Ohio Manufacturing Firm, told Fortune Magazine:

 “This waffling economy is driving my marketing director more nuts than bolts. The “cash for clunkers program” got the economy moving. Then, the economy slowed. Then, housing subsidies speeded up the economy. The subsidy ran out and the economy stopped before the cement was dry at thousands of construction sites.

In short, the economy shrank with Tarp I, grew with Tarp II, and now, is stalled, holding out for Tarp III.

I swear on a stripped bolt-nut that this double dipping, triple wobbling, economy is acting just like my wife when she is shopping for a new dress at Macy’s.”

Mr. Bolten’s executive assistant, Ms. Balline Michele, explained her bosses view:

“He really thinks this what you get when women become the country’s major income earners.

But really, thousands of white male CEO’s are sitting on top of trillions of dollars, guarding their cash like a frightened flock of mother hens sitting on a pile of unhatched eggs. ”

When asked, Dr. Heather Langdruss, an Economic Advisor to “Revised Forecast Associates” admitted that there may be an indirect gender affect on business investment:

“Investors are flirting with Republicans over tax cuts and are holding out for better government proposals. It appears those crusty white male CEO’s are listening to their wives’ intuition”.

Without being asked, University of Chicago economist, Hubbard Stein, provided his assessment of the current recovery:

“My floating parameter model predicts 2.3% growth next quarter, followed by 2.6% growth the following two quarters, before the economy accelerates to 3.15% growth rate for the next three decades. Inflation will rise to 2.9%  in five quarters and leap to 4.8% in three years, as manufacturing unemployment falls to 5.15% and service sectors jobs are converted into personal hobbies.

Of course, this forecast assumes that none of the model parameters float off the top edge of my computer screen.”

CEO’s and Economists Give Up on Each Other

CEO’s suggested that Fortune magazine writers disregard economists and pay closer attention to the intuition of people who maintain physical contact paper with money, and bankruptcy fears, during the working hours of the day. CEO Mike Botlen recommended Mabeline Lulina, a hairdresser at “Flair”  beauty shop in Columbus Ohio. Reporters quickly rushed to get Ms. Lulina’s assessment of the economy.

Ms Lulina: “You knew that I was going to say that the I-phone took off because it had a pleasing color mix and a cheery design which fits conformably in any purse or pocket. I bet it feels good to hear me really say it in person.

You don’t have to ask me if consumers are holding back on their shopping until they see the color scheme and interior seating for the new electric cars. Because you knew I was going to tell you that anyway.

But I will tell you one thing.

IF GM doesn’t find a better brand name than “Volt”, consumers are going to rush out in droves and purchase long lasting makeup so they look can fresh and sharp when they come out of their bus and subway rides.”

Economist Hubbard Stein burst into the  Flair interview :

“My floating parameter model predicts oil prices will be $160 a barrel the week the Volt hits the sockets of consumers. This means Volt sales will hit 61 thousand units, in the first 9 months of the year, with an average battery recharge rate of once every 54 hours.

You got to admit, Volt is one tough name for a car.”

Dr. Langdruss quickly called-in her view: “A Volt car shock will jump start a two quarter shopping splurge by housewives and uncontrolled teenagers. The shopping splurge will be followed by a quarter of consumer guilt as shoppers start thinking about their waistlines and trim back on purchases of makeup, chocolates, and sport videos for their stay-out-of the mall husbands.”

Hubbard Stein: “Shocking my model with a Volt led chocolate splurge  knocks unemployment below 5.15% . This shows that a leading indicator, such as a Volt shock, can generate a woman driven chocolate splurge, driving lagging labor indicators to lag the leading indicator by a longer lag than which led the labor lag in past recoveries; —–leading, lagging, or Volt battery lugging.

Of course, my simulation is lagging behind real events since eighteen of my model’s parameters floated off beyond the known boundaries of the assumed universe.”

Ms Lulina coyly answered: “You really, really, don’t think, right now, is the time for a an two quarter chocolate splurge. I did not think so. Customers having been just pleading with me to dye-twirl their hair. This tells me that millions of mall-shopping women are on the verge of unleashing a peppermint candy bubble which will twirl growth rates upwards for two quarters before evolving into a pre-teen bubble-gum and minted bubble-bath bubble.

And you know, what Chairman Bolten and all those white male CEO’s think:

That all us women are holding out for a Republican tax cut.

But I will tell you,— any woman with a crinkle in her nose, can tell you to never trust a man who has been promising to cut the same tax rates for the last thirty years.

Particularly, when all those men are sitting scared on trillions of dollars of cash like a bunch of frightened mother hens and clucking to each other about how a woman’s intuition can forecast better than all those macho math, money market, models that are mostly manufactured by married male economists.”

 May 26, 2009

In a recent television interview by Ronald Crumond of the Cheyenne Wyoming news station KWS, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he had always admired Thomas Jefferson’s Vice President Aaron Burr, had considered him a role model, and in some ways managed to emulate Mr. Burr in his role as Vice President.  Aaron Burr is mostly known for killing Alexander Hamilton in a duel, fleeing Washington, using his former VP position to raise his own army, and secretly using U.S. military officers to plan an invasion of Mexico where he planned to set himself up a leader. Historians have called Mr. Burr the greatest scoundrel in American History. In his interview, former Vice President Cheney disagreed with this assessment:

“The fact is Aaron was a brilliant Vice president and only lost the Presidency in a tie vote.  Had there been a Judge Scalia to consign Mr. Burr to his rightful place as President of the United States, Saddam Hussein would have spent his whole life torturing goats in some up country mountain pasture.”

When asked to explain VP Cheney answered:

“President Burr had the means to make the presidency an institute of power and projection.”

When asked to explain how his later explanation explained his former statement, Mr. Cheney declined to comment.

Mr. Cheney then went on to praise Mr. Burr’s dueling skills, his plans for an imperial presidency, but was critical of the former Vice President’s coup attempt.

“Sloppy. But unlike the past eight years he didn’t have e-mail, wiretaps, and a President who needed to get away on a mountain bike.”

August 2, 2010

A recent Zugsby poll of elected officials serving in county, state, and national offices has revealed that that 72% of the nation’s politicians disapprove of the recent performance of American voters. Poll results indicated that 90% percent of politicians who belong to the Republication party are dissatisfied with the recent voting habits of voters who identified themselves as Democrats.

However, the poll also revealed that 56% of Democrat politicians do not approve of the Democratic voter practice of voting for Mick Jagger on the “no satisfaction” ticket.

And politicians from both parties expressed disapproval of the Democratic voter preference for donating money to organic food co-ops and deep breathing yoga instructors before giving money to political campaigns.

And, according to Zugsby pollsters, both Republicans and Democratic politicians hold strong negative views of the growing number of Republican voters that stay mad at the President more than eight working hours a day.

Republican Congressman Maxigrandon the III of Mississippi told Zugsby pollsters:

“Voters who articulate a vociferous protestation of the President’s takeover of the economy, do nothing but remind other voters that the President has succeeded in implementing his agenda.”

Democratic Congressman Vincy La-Fazio of New Jersey told the Zugsby I-phone recorder:

“Republican voters that gripe about the President’s takeover of economy are passing the buck,—– billions of bucks,—– from private corporations onto the Democratic party. This means that voters blame Democratic politicians for bailing out the corporations. Voters blame Democratic politicians for not getting them a job. And voters blame Democratic politicians for interfering in the economy, not doing something about the economy, and not interfering with the politicians who are doing something about economy. ”

A day after his Zugsby interview, Congressman Maxigrandon described the current mood of Congress to a visiting group of Mississippi voters; voters who admitted that they may have lost touch with the average Congressional representative in Washington:

 “We hear-tell stories of fired-up voters who call talk-radio stations every hour and threaten to do “something”.  But politicians want action. If only 39% of Mississippi voters can raise up enough energy to find their way to a polling booth, as in the last election, I promise, come late November the politicians are going to cut earmarks to the cities, towns, and rural abodes of Mississippi by 61 percent. “

Congressman La-Fazio of New Jersey told six remaining Mississippi tourists:

“Politicians from across the political spectrum are in an angry mood over voter demands for more earmarks, more entitlement money, and jobs, while, at the same time, berating politicians for not doing anything about the national debt.

Frankly, I am fed up with constituents who demand that Congress provide money for a Rolling Stones museum–with a satisfaction guarantee, fund a new hospital– just outside the siren range of their house, hire more teachers, –until their son graduates, and then turn around, and blame me for being a spend and waste, deficit loving, chicken feathers, liberal hugging, politician.”

Said La-Fazio’s left-side aide:

“What the Congressman is trying to say, is that voters live in a world so surrounded by entitlements that they fail to see that there is an another world where the average politician is barely able to make it;  running from pillar to post, working two committees at once, and fundraising into the middle of the night, just to keep that nation’s finances from sinking below the bottom line.”

Eight hours later, Congressman Maxigrandon was found before the Washington monument lecturing to one last remaining Mississippi visitor:

“This once great nation’s electorate has lost all sense of geography, proportion, and budget.

Only when voters return to a pencil, paper, and encyclopedia-based education system, will this nation restore enough fiscal balance, to walk securely across the tightrope of today’s economy, without the safety net of welfare, and free itself from TV news reports in the adjacent ring of clown entertainment.”

Local Politicians Also Display an Angry Mood

The Zugsby poll also confirmed that state and county level politicians have grown increasing hostile to voters in their own district.

Florida’s Pasco county commissioner, Ted Schrader:

“This current crop of Pasco county voters have been acting like a barely employable rabble of loose-tongued, lazy-brain, late-on-the-job, bums. They whine over bad roads. They moan about a lack of jobs. They complain about high taxes. But every time we send out a crew out to fix the roads the voters gripe that we are wasting their precious tax money to create traffic jams. “

Indiana’s Boone County commissioner Charles Eaton:

“I have never seen my fellow politicians as upset at voters as they have been this past six months. They complain that voters call them when a stray dog urinates in their yard. They complain that voters call them when they disagree with the teenage graffiti at the local bus-stop. They complain that voters call them to report that hearing Honky Tonk Women on the radio no longer makes anyone fanticize about having sex while dancing to pop music.”

 Pasco county commissioner, Schrader:

“We’ve got unfilled orange picking jobs all over my district but the only people with the gumption to haul their rear end up a ladder and harvest fruit are the illegal immigrants who the voters complain are stealing their jobs.  If the voters don’t shape up, come next election, we are putting the whole state system on butterfly ballots.”

Indiana county commissioner, Easton:

“I am tired of Boone county voters blaming the county commissioners for the corruption in Kabul Afghanistan and turning around to ask my secretary where Kabul is, where Afghanistan is, and who the county commissioners are.”

Mr. Eaton then added:

Politicians around here have lost so much trust in the local voters, that my colleagues are talking about broadening out, and running for national office.”

July 25, 2010

Emilio Papalo Lupapa, a baker from the Greek city of Thessaloniki, recently stunned world financial markets when he declared that he was leaving the Euro-zone and adopting his own currency.

A statement posted on the door of Mr. Lupapa’s bakery shop declared that the new currency would be called “the Emilio” and be issued behind the bakery cash register.  The posted statement also declared that Mr. Lupapa and the register boy, 26 year old Papillo, jointly would decide on the supply of money to the Emilio-zone.

The Thessaloniki baker insisted that dropping out of the Euro-zone would, in no way, influence the mix of pastries, bread rolls or other products offered to customers. The Thessaloniki baker said he was leaving the Euro-zone only because of the high cost of doing business in over-valued Euros had forced him into selling:

— bread rolls with excessive internal ventilation,

—cake mix made with Turkish barley flour,

and:

—emaciated pastries that looked like flatbread slices layered with truck-squashed orange peels.

Mr. Lupapa informed local banks that he had decided to float the Emilio against the Euro and the U.S. dollar but would link the Emilio to the Japanese Yen through a crawling peg. The Greek baker also said that he looked forward to coordinating future monetary decisions with European Finance Ministers, Fed Chairman Bernanke, and economists at the IMF.

Reporters from the Athens-based financial website “It’s Greek to Us Too” rushed to Emilio’s bakery and found the Greek baker straining loose barley flour out of a pan of pink frosting. An excited Mr. Lupapa told reporters:

“I sold the flatbread oven and am back to crafting lovely three dimensional pastries for the sweet-bread lovers of Greece. Any day now, my customers will be expanding into the third dimension also.”

When reporters asked about the status of the Emilio Mr. Lupapa responded:

“Next week, Thessaloniki pastry lovers will be sending Emilios to banks in Athens who, in turn, will flood the world’s financial markets with Emilio backed currency notes which, in turn, will make Euro holders nervous and want to stock up on bread.

When reporters offered Mr. Lupapa 10 Euros for an almond shredded wedding cake, he ordered the reporters to talk the cashier boy, Papillo.

When reporters offered Papillo 10 Euros, he ordered reporters to study the exchange-rate chart on the wall.

When reporters studied the exchange rate chart, they found a headline that read:

“Wedding cake requests must be made within one day of the engagement proposal or sixteen hours after conception.”

The New Currency Begins to Run

Two days after the reporter visit, a leading Thessaloniki furniture maker announced that he was leaving the Euro-zone and would only take payments in Emilios or fresh bread rolls.

That evening, three other furniture makers followed suit and announced that handcrafted bedposts were on sale for either 99 Emilios or 29 rolls of bread.

The next day the entire Thessaloniki business establishment announced it was leaving the Euro-zone and switching to the Emilio-bread roll monetary system.

A week later the Greek finance minister, George Papconstaniou, came on national TV and accused Thessaloniki’s bakers of raising the Greek rate of inflation rate by increasing the supply of baking yeast.

As Greek financial officials pondered ways to control the bread roll and Emilio supply, members of the victorious Spanish national soccer team announced that they were dropping out of the Euro-zone and starting up a team-centered currency area. According to select insider fans, the Spanish team’s currency would be called the “goal” and would be made available to any football (soccer) fan who could shout “gooaall”  lon–g–er than the average Mexican sport broadcaster.

Team captain Iker Cassillas told reporters that he believed that the Euro, the Dollar, and the Yen had “recklessly” broken away from the gold standard.

Mr. Cassilla promised, that in contrast, the value of the Spanish team’s new currency would be “responsibly” backed by a tangible asset of scarce value.

The next day, the Spanish soccer team announced, that their new currency, the “goal”, would be tied to the number of goals scored in the Spanish soccer league.

Captain Cassillas suggested that Mr. Lupapa break the link between the Emilio and bread rolls and follow the Spanish team in linking the Emilio to a valuable world resource such as soccer goals.

Five hours later, 10 AM eastern standard time, Fed Chairman Bernanke came on CNN news and said he was reducing the U.S. money supply by linking the U.S. dollar to the number of goals made by the American soccer team.

And Yet, Another Upstart Currency

Meanwhile, Papillo told his sister that he had decided to break away from the Emilio-zone and start a new currency called: “the Yeast”.

Papillo told customers that he would keep working at the bakery cash register and said he was only providing himself the option to inflate his own monetary holdings whenever the monetary urged struck.

Papillo assured customers that the yeast content of Mr. Lupapa’s bread rolls would not change since he was following the advice of the Spanish Soccer team and linking his currency to the final scores of a popular sports team.

The next day Papillo said that the supply of his new currency, the Yeast, would be related to the number of points scored by the Boston Celtics in America’s National Basketball League.

November 21, 2009—(Note: Article Semi-finalist placement in Humor-Press Contest)

Just as White House officials began searching for a carbon neutral way to transport the President to December’s Global Warming summit in Copenhagen USDA plant scientists, announced that thirty six different horticultural and vegetable crops have escaped from their glass enclosed Greenhouse nurseries and were rapidly spreading across the landscapes of the earth.  In Florida, Ornamental flowers, once confined to Dade County Greenhouses have been reported, by eyewitnesses and ranchers, spreading their alluring stems and overexcited pollen, across the Everglades, up the Kissimmee river, and have overrun Orlando parking lots.

Taking advantage on the situation, Disney executives announced that that they had plans to convert the desperate search for a Disney World parking space into an exciting Adventure-land safari ride.

Elsewhere, Dutch Officials reported tulips had broken out of Leiden City Greenhouses, flooded that country’s lowlands with multi-colored  bulbs, and have left millions of Northern Europeans tiptoeing, on millions of Tiny Tim-like-Toe Tips, to work, to school, and to the rapidly expanding cluster of  ballet training schools. 

And, according to witnesses, in Sacramento California, millions of Brussels Sprout, Snap Bean, and Chinese Flowering Broccoli, plants, overpowered their “earth box planters”, broke free of their Greenhouse temperature controls, and invaded thousands of acres of pristine deserts and mountain sides. Cash Strapped Governor and budget beam balancing gymnast, Arnold Schwarzenegger, proposed paying State Employees in green leafy vegetable allotments . He also pleaded with State residents to “act out” their “true inner feelings” about broccoli, particularly when inside the boundaries of a State or National Park.

USDA soil scientist Dr. Harrison McDowell, known as Dr. “Dug” provided his analysis of the outbreak of wild Green-House plants to the Grassroots Organization “Grassroot Growers and Organizers”:

“With a billion new people in the world all stomping their own unique carbon footprints into the earth’s soil, it is not surprising that greenhouse plants have fallen in love with the natural ground of the earth and proliferated like outdoor rabbits and indoor termites.”

EPA atmospheric Scientist Dr. Hsiao Muzhu Lo, known as “Professor Mu Shi Soot” offered another view of the Green House plant breakout to a lunch gathering of the “Unnatural Gas Producers and Transmitters Association”:

”USDA, once again, has its researched its head into the ground. Cleary it is the spread of greenhouse gases into the upper atmosphere that has created the perfect storm free, gas like atmospheric mixtures, which has allowed greenhouse plants to rapidly spread and thrive in the open air of the earth.”

Language Issues Clutter the Debate

The Mexican Minster of Air, Soil, Sun, and Shade, Dr. Jaimse-Son, Mudola, also known as Professor, “Little Tie and Big Tan” told reporters at his Snap Beans, and Flowering Chinese Broccoli covered estate, that the two squabbling American scientists were each entitled to their own facts. And he boasted that he was “Texas Style Raring to Go” to Copenhagen and sign a Cap and Shade agreement, which he said, if passed by world ministers, would allow Mexico to triple its annual production of 24 inch sombrero brim hats. Dr. Mudola also said that the Mexican Government planned to process millions of factory leaked carbon footprints, into fertilizers.  The new fertilizers would be used, in turn, to grow, for Chinese New Year’s Celebrations worldwide, outdoor greenhouse crops such as Snapping Beans and Flowering Chinese Broccoli.

In response to the comments of the Mexican Minister, Holland’s Chancellor of Environmental Affairs  and Debate Gas Emissions Dr. Hecksen Mudmeyer told the newly formed “Dutch Tipped Toe Shoe Manufacturers Association” that  “poor language translation and other misunderstandings” could affect the Copenhagen summit and increase  “world laughing gas emissions” nineteen fold.

The Dutch Minister added that the Copenhagen summit’s main priority should be to rein in the proliferating mobs of ex-green house tulips, which threatened to overrun the peaceful and law abiding agricultural cropland of the European Union and create a speculative tulip price anti-bubble which would “send tulip prices through the basement floor and perhaps into the soils of the earth itself.”

The Chinese Secretariat of Atmospheric Discipline and Outdoor Tai Chi Breathing,  Dr. Huo Mu Mei Su Li,, also known as Dr. “Don’t hold your Breath” told reporters for the Australian Press that he disagreed with the statement by Holland’s “Enveimeinu Science Affair China-seller”. Reporters quoted Dr. Li as saying that he did not think “language transition tissue” would “in-fatulence the Copenhagen aging data”.

Mr. Li summed up his interview by saying he was looking forward to signing the “captain trade” agreement, provided Chinese ships would be allowed to ship Snapping Beans and Flowered Chinese Broccoli to California State Banks.

Meanwhile Disney World, bowing to changing world realities, and fantasies, announced plans to flood its “Future World” theme park with six feet of carbonated water and convert its stock of Jungle safari “hunt and park” lots into an open air Greenhouse nursery.

Hoping correct the pre-Copenhagen misunderstandings, the Obama White House was said to be looking for four hundred language translators who could explain the “nuances” and “temperature readings” of green house emission proposals to officials, worldwide, in the language “they are most familiar with”, such as: “the language an official uses, when he or she, touches a hot stove”.

As the greenhouse vegetables continued to invade hillsides, deserts, and even the State’s fiercely independent “hemp farms”, California employees protested the Governor’s plan to pay them in vegetable allotments .  State employess threatened to go on work strike, if beef, pork, and dairy products, were not incorporated into their paychecks and vacation benefits.

In response to the continued spread of escaped green house plants President Obama announced plans, from the new White House Broccoli Flower Garden, to hire sixteen thousand police officers, and forty thousand vegetable pickers, to “round up the illegal Greenhouse escapees”, haul them back to their Greenhouses.

The President then promised voters that he bring justice and order to “the chlorophyll societies of this earth”.

The Mexican Minster of Air, Soil, Sun, and Shade, Dr. Jaime, Mudola, sent the Obama White House a Western Union tele-statement, saying Mexico was ready and willing to supply the United States with those “six tiny thousand police office warmers”.  He also promised to send“forty thousand vege-label packers” to round up the hot stoves, which, he agreed, had burnt up Obama’s famous touch with the English language and had damaged chances for a future Copin-Hagglin, Cap and Shade agreement.”

Holland’s Chancellor of Environmental Scientific Affairs  and Debate Gas Emissions Dr. Hecksen Mudmeyer told the newly formed “Save the Wooden Shoe-Print from Tree Hugging Carbonists Association” that, he believed, global language problems and “misunderstood carbon warming intentions”, had gotten even worse since he made his previous statement on the matter. However, the Chancellor said he agreed with President Obama that it was important for environmental officials and leaders around the world to “keep moving the debate gas forward” and be prepared to cap any country’s Global warming proposals and trade it for proposals from other countries.

The Dutch Chancellor, did warn, however that Copenhagen’s production of: “English language Environmental Declarations”, may produce high concentrations of groan & hiss grammar omissions.

As the summit drew closer President Obama tried to downplay expectations for a “coherent” international declaration on Global Warming or the recent Greenhouse Vegetable Invasion of the earth’s surface and California’s monetary system.  

When questioned about his transportation options to Copenhagen, the President told reporters, that his staff had presented him with only two Carbon neutral travel options to Copenhagen’s Global warming summit:

–telecommute to Copenhagen from Harrison Mcdowell’s USDA office by using the soil extension service’s state of the art “Wi-fi a Earth Worm” information exchange system.

Or:

 –spend five days hitching a ride on a Chinese Captain Trading ship filled with “Chinese flowering broccoli”.

The President reminded reporters from two California newspapers that –“not ever eating again”– is not the appropriate way to “act out” one’s true inner feeling about Flowering Chinese broccoli, even if you are inside a California, weight loss clinic.

The President is reported to be further deliberating over his Copenhagen travel options.

July 17, 2010

According to planned intelligence leaks, last week’s spy-swap between Russia and the United States represents the beginning of a new cross-country spy exchange program between the two countries.  Carefully calculated White House leaks, and a gusher from the Office of the Vice President, indicate that the U.S. plans to invite hundreds of Russian spies to take four month internship appointments at the CIA headquarters, in Mclean Virginia. There, Russian intelligence agents will join their American counterparts in spying on Russia. In exchange, the U.S. will send hundreds to CIA operatives to FSB headquarters, in Moscow, to practice spying on the United States. The spy-exchange program, modeled after international student exchange programs, will allow participating intelligence agents to get to know their own country better by spying on it from a foreign country.

Former CIA operative Howard Sweep commented on the exchange program in his weekly newsletter “The Cold War Still Gives Me The Shivers”.

“The whole time I served in the CIA I never knew what the intelligence unit down the hall was up to. If I had taken a 4 month spy-swap internship with Russia, I could have spied on my building, gotten to know what my colleagues were doing, and would have been able to decide whether I wanted to transfer offices when I got back.”

An unnamed Washington D.C. based FBI agent, who told unnamed leakers that he was excited about the program, added:

“No one around this town ever shares data. So I might try the Moscow spy program to get my hands on some of the CIA files that we need for our latest homeland security project.”

However, Russia’s minister of abroad Stan affairs “Yaroslav Dimtri Vladiput Gaporchevnick, burst into CNN’s Moscow News office and grumbled:

“WHY just FSB Spies swap? Why not I swap with Ms. Clinton so I also can push restart button with Russian President Medvedev and also have new Kremlin relationship? 

Also: Becoming friend of Bill—not bad idea for meeting Bimboski’s to invite for visiting Black Sea Holiday sauna and sanitorium resorts.”

According to poorly timed Congressional leaks, Russian spies initially are slated to stay with American host families and will be encouraged to practice English, join Face book, and spend themselves into debt. In contrast, American spies will begin their Russian tour by inhabiting abandoned rural dachas, planting potatoes, and drinking themselves into debt.

Once acculturated; spies will join their host-country counterparts in trying to determine what  “the heck” is going on in their country of origin.

Other Swap Programs Proliferate

Alcohol related leaks from the Kremlin indicate that plans for a mini-swap program are also underway. Mini-swaps will assign America’s CIA and Russia’s FSB employees to joint 4 day sleepovers in suburban host family basements. Sleepovers will involve video game play, pizza, ice cream, and,—- vodka.

The FSB-CIA pajama parties will be used to train agents, from both countries, the fine teenage art of deceiving host family parents over the activities, and whereabouts, of participants after 12 PM midnight.

Leaders in Moscow and Washington D.C. expressed confidence that the spy-swap program will improve cross-country relations among agents, lead to further transcontinental romances, and increase the probability that double agents will reveal themselves and become triple agents, and even, perhaps, flip back several times over and become quadruple agents; quintuple agents, sextuple agents, or pregnant.

In a surprise accidental leak President Obama told 200 White House reporters:

“When we are done with the Russian-American spy swap program, employees of both country’s intelligence services will be so thoroughly confused they won’t know what country they belong to and what country they are spying on. Once agents from all countries have gone total flip-side insane, our superior satellite imagery will leap to the front of the intelligence gathering game.”

The Russian Minister of Top Secret Secrets, Yuri, Nay-zni-u, Krucknikvicvztsv told professional Kremlin leakers:

”Once swap program is kaput finished, FSB-CIA workers will not know difference between double and triple agent, and pajama party drinking partner. Once all agents have gone full-potato insane, Russia’s Vodka drinking summits will climb to the front of the intelligence gathering game.”

Meanwhile both countries are denying charges that their own intelligence agencies have swapped domestic privacy laws for national security by aggressively monitoring the lives of their own fellow citizens. An unnamed FBI agent forcefully squirted out the following rebuttal:

“It takes one hour on My Space, twenty minutes on Face book, and ten minutes of AOL instant messaging for the average 15 year old to collect more citizen data than we can gather over an entire month.  For our next swap, we plan to put 200 teenagers in the Government’s top intelligence agencies.  In return 200 FBI agents will be assigned to twenty high school study halls where they will use lead pencils to investigate polynomial equations and other algebra assignments .“

Former CIA operative Howard Sweep responded to the forced FBI leak, –or squirt—, by posting the following statement in his newsletter:

“Those spy’s that we sent back to Russia last week, looked like they were having one heck of a good time traveling about and living it up in the United States and England. In fact, the Russian spies appeared to be having so much fun that we suspect that Russia already has swapped its professional KGB-FSB agents for a group of video game addicted, Face Book communicating, Moscow, teenagers.”