Politicians From Every-Existing-Place Question the Integrity and Behavior of the Swine Flu Virus
October 24, 2009
The Flu Virus Exists “as if” It Therefore Thinks
Democrats on Capitol Hill and State Government offices across the country questioned the sincerity and integrity of the swine flu virus and denounced the “irresponsible” and “dirtyhanded dependent” behavior that the virus has displayed and hidden over the past several months. Congressman “little boss” Fatito of New Jersey presented the typical hostile Democratic view, of the virus, in a speech to his homeroom class at his old High School in Tifton, New Jersey:
“Just as the President’s Heath Care Reform has reached a critical legislative juncture, this little nondescript critter, with no education or record of achievement, starts acting up, knocking the stomachs out of our critical staff members, punching health reform in pocket purse, and forcing two Congressional committees’ to throw up every reform bill which our staff and voters had digested. To top that off the little swine of a virus goes and kicks the momentum out from under the U.S. economic recovery. I mean, just who do these little microscopic pip and squeak piglet parasites think they are dealing with? Mud yard pig farmers in lower Yucatan, Mexico or the Government of the United States of America?”
Conservative Republicans have been even more virulent in denouncing the swine flu and have focused their ire on the virus community’s rude treatment of pregnant women. They have also denounced the “terrorist” method the virus has used to produce offspring, which according to Republican spokesmen, involves the hijacking of the innocent nuclei from the body cells of healthy Christians and forcing naive strips of DNA to become members of the H1N1 virus squirming cult.
Congressman Thaddeius Branden Maxigrandon the Third of the State of Mississippi broadcast his view to farmers at a barn-wall meeting outside his home in Tupelo, Mississippi:
“The datum reveals that the ill reputed porcine virus has driven eighteen thousand Christian couples to utilize reputed birth control devices in order to block conception of the world’s children out of a unholy fear of a swine flu attack on their being and the potential beings conceived from their love and labors. That is, there are eighteen thousand unconceived, and thus unborn, victims who this virus must have on its tiny DNA conscience when it seeks forgiveness for its undisputed disruption of nature’s holy sacrament of meiosis and the destruction of potential, future, just maybe, depending on the wine, music, lipstick, and time of month, Christian and potentially Christain lives.”
Dr. Reed Howard Draft of the Army-Navy, and sometimes Coast Guard, Medical center, in Bethesda Maryland came forward to “straighten out the discussion” with a U-tube video he sent to Congress, farmers, and high school teachers across the nation.
“A virus is nothing more than a packet of DNA in a membrane. It has as much ability to understand what it does, or feel questioning remorse, as does a cold bucket of rotted tar.”
The next day Congressman Thaddeius Branden Maxigrandon the Third, of the State of Mississippi, immediately explained his position from the vestibule steps of the Ghost of Trinity Baptist Church located on the corner of Return to Sender Avenue and Don’t be Cruel street in Tupelo, Mississippi:
“The world reputed French philosopher Rene’ Descartes, equated “existence” with the ability to cognitate the mind when he told his friends: ’I think, I am, therefore I ergo’. This is how Mr. Descartes convinced his friends he was really “there” when he “was” and had got himself so occupied thinking, about thinking, that his friends, began to worry that he might not be “there”. Thus if a DNA virus exists, by ergone logic, it must “think.”
And, the unfortunate souls and bodies that have been stricken down with sickness, vomiting, and unholy fevers have testified that the swine flu virus, unfortunately, exists. It must, therefore, think. And suffer shame for its actions.”
Economist Harold “kit” Mark, of the Congressional Budget office, and the squash, smash, and wall-smack partner of Congressmen Fatito, tried to bring rationality, logic, and algebraic mock ups to the discussion of the swine flu virus by making a statement over, the noise and raquets, bouncing out from the squash courts in the Capitol Hill basement.
“No one actually thinks a packet of DNA can actually think. What the Senators and Congressmen are saying is that, working through the competition of nature, the swine virus has developed an optimal strategy for survival and behaves “as if” it could think. For all intents and purposes we speak, write, and assume “as if” the virus itself is thinking, because if there were a thinking virus it would behave the same way nature has programmed viruses to behave.”
Congressman Maxigrandon the Third caught wind of the attempt to squash his view and immediately responded from the Dewey Dell café located on Devil in Disguise road in Tupelo, Mississippi:
“The wall and rubber ball partner of Congressmen Fatito, my esteemed “little boss” colleague, has made a point which he expertly bounced off a wall only to have it stick, unyielding, on his own person. Economists often act ‘as if’ they think. And, there are times when it is useful to assume that economists do think. That is, if there ever were a real thinking economist he or she would behave and speak in the same way that years of algebra training and forecasting competition has programmed walking economists to behave and speak.”
Dr. Reed Howard Draft of the Army-Navy and sometimes Coast Guard Medical center, in Bethesda Maryland stepped backward to “round out the discussion” in a U-tube video he sent to “thinking” economists, “everywhere” squash players, and “almost there” high school algebra teachers nationwide:
“Even though we know better, for the purposes of medical debates it sometimes is useful to speak “as if” people of different viewpoints know how to listen. That is, one can assume that the assumptions, made by others are correct, even when we are personally thinking “as if” those assumptions are not correct.”
Congressman Maxigrandon the Third caught breeze of Dr. Reed Howard Draft’s point and issued a statement from a sedated rocking chair set on his home front porch located on the corner of Maxigrandon the First street and Heartbreak Hotel avenue in Tupelo, Mississippi:
“Yes, I agree and assume with Dr. Draft. It is the harmony of nature’s children working in concert and conscience with their creator thats breaks apart congregates of unholy virus parasites. It is ‘as if’ we baptize, rather than optimize or compromise. our way to truth, health, and faith in this earthly life. To paraphrase philosophy: ‘I pray therefore I, and not a virus, will be, ergo, thereafter.’”
Dr. Reed Howard Draft of the Army-Navy and sometimes Coast Guard Medical center, in Bethesda Maryland stepped aside the Congressman’s hasty retort:
“I think, we can assume, that the Gentleman Congressman from Mississippi is acting “as if” he believes life begins at deception.”
The former, French Finance minister, Calay Malure, caught wind of the debate from diplomatic breezes wafting through the French embassy in Washington D.C. and quickly rushed out a hastily assembled my-tube video from his home leisure-room divan, in Paris:
“An observer who is astute’ should be at liberty to divulge that the timing of the swine-virus outbreak would be, in an idealized devil’s ideal, optimal strate-gy for under-stabilizing the world recovery from America’s Chicago school banking and the unthinking “as if” assumptions of England’s aborted attempt at philosophy. One is tempted to say in the “as if” American-British mode, it is “as if” Afghan Pashtu terrorists have launched swine flu, at this vulnerable moment, into the Western economic system to force Europeans and Americans to act “as if” they were Muslims who despise and fear pork, the public breathing of unveiled women, and the false profits of a healthy economy.”
Economist Harold “kit” Mark, of the Congressional Budget office, and the squash, smash, and wall-smack partner of Congressmen Fatito, told reporters from an intercom in Congressmen Fatito’s Capitol Hill “Big Boss” office:
“Sometimes the French act “as if” they belong to the same universe as the rest of world. Other times, they seem to be optimizing their desire to seen as a people who “are” rather than a people who “therefore think”.
Chairman “little boss” Fatito quickly shut down discussion on the matter when a first grade class in Tifton, New Jersey presented the Congressman with a backyard pet piglet made up with ruby red lipstick. When reporters asked the Congressmen to pucker up for a photo shoot the Congressman shot back:
“Not until I can think, “as if”, I’m on a first date and get my new piglet staff assistant to act, “as if”, she doesn’t keep her favorite flu parasite hiding under a red streak of cheap ruby lipstick.”