Banana News www.bananaws.com

November 30, 2009

China Walls Itself in for the Twenty First Century

Twenty years, two weeks and two days after Berlin’s overbearing and socially awkward Wall fell into ten thousand souvenir pieces, Ulagan, Batugurban, an aspiring Mongolian politician who has revealed a fondness for Ronald Reagan movies and afternoon naps, stood dressed in a traditional Mongolian Warrior robe, atop a red-haired horse, on a grassy hill two hundred miles north of Beijing China. Before hundreds of TV cameras and upturned cell phones, Mr. Batugurban shouted into a Microphone:

“Mr. Hu Zintao, President of China, leader of 1.3 billion people, Chief of a thousand five year plans, Chairman of Communists, Committees, and nine percent growth rates,– -tear down your Great Wall.”

American, Chinese, and Japanese news reporters and Discovery Channel media staff, rushed forward and quickly mobbed the Mongolian politician with adoration, bribes, and bad analogies in Berlin slanged English.

In the rush a young Chinese woman with a Singapore news logo printed on her makeup kit, grabbed the microphone, sat up on the horse and reminded those present, in British accented English, that the Great wall of China has stood for two thousand years and is more than a thousand miles long.

Then she claimed that no Chinese leader would, or could, tear down the “greatest wall and most successful background prop for junket-traveling U.S. officials, that mankind has ever constructed “, ——just because—-some “yurt raised”, Mogolian politician needed publicity for his stunt and exercise for his “stinky” red horse.

Ulagan, Batugurban, answered the Singapore reporter in stilted Russian, which a local interpreter translated into Mongolian, which was then run through a Google-language translator. This, in turn, was posted onto the computer screen of each reporter present, in three languages and one microsoft “Word” font;— a font which, according to those present, had “broken away” from all known lanuages and had formed its own dialect.

Ulagan, Batugurban, “I was only following America’s suggestion for reviving our post communist economy. I mean, in this situation of collapsing wool prices and no hope of ever getting one tree to grow in our country, what would Ronald Reagan do?”

Three American reporters answered in unison with quick computer strokes: “Cut taxes and take a nap.”

Ulagan, Batugurban instant messaged back:

“I already took a thousand naps—but my wife is tired of me lying around the yurt watching the dust dance inside the roof hole light beam. She has been badgering me to get out of the yurt and do something useful and productive; like raid a village and destroy it.”

A Discovery Channel interviewer instantly messaged back: “So how did it go?”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Well, it turns out this WALL– is in the way.  I mean, in the twenty first century, increasing the economic productivity of Mongolia is going to be really hard.  Since Communism evaporated out of Mongolia not one village has been raided and obliterated. However, I have an idea for launching a new Mongolian economy for the twenty first century.”  

Discovery Channel: “We know: Bio engineering a Mongolian sheep which sheers pre-cut wool sweaters into store outlets and avoids demonstrations of Australian manhood.”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Mongolia already had sheep in sweaters. They were called communist functionaries.”

Discovery “Ok our viewing audience gives up.”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Following our history and looking at where our country has an economic advantage, I have formulated a five year plan to move the Mongolian economy from the low growth business of grass management and sheep herding into the more promising field of aggressive cyber-raiding.

I believe that by pillaging thousands of websites, plunging the internet into darkness, stealing women off pornographic webcams, as well as raiding the computer networks of millions of banking institutions worldwide, we will be able to restore the Mongolian economy to its former greatness without even having to purchase sore-saddle riding sickness insurance for our employees. And, at the same time, the entire economy of Mongolia will be crossing, in mass, over Ronald Reagan’s bridge to the twenty first century.”

Singapore reporter’s audio message: “That was Bill Clinton’s Bridge.”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Well Ronald Reagan must have dreamed about it, first, during one of his White House naps.”

Japanese reporter’s crafted message: “So how is the Mongolian five year economic cyber insecurity raiding plan progressing?”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Our problem is that we keep running into fire walls and other cyber obstacles. China, by far, is the worst. They have built the strongest, tightest, longest, and thickess, cyberwall in the entire galaxy. And it wraps around China, every Chinese city, and each Chinese citizen four times.  Like I said:

‘Mr.  Hu Zintao President of China, a leader of 1.3 communists, tear down your Great Wall.’ ”

An American reporter: “Oh we get it. Your horse is part of the publicity of your cyber-stunt.  Just how many Ronald Reagan movies have you watched?”

Ulagan, Batugurban’s: “two movies, sixty four times each”

An American reporter immediately sent an instant message in a Capital Lettered SHOUT styled computer Font:

“I want to say something to our viewers back in Washington DC. Can stand I next to your horse?”.

Ulagan, Batugurban: “He smells.”

Discovery Channel interviewer: “Mr.  Hu Zintao President of China,  leader of 1.3 communists, tear down your Great Cyber Wall.”

Ulagan, Batugurban quickly messaged:

Ulagan, Batugurban: “But he said Mr. Gorbachev.”

American reporter: “Who said Mr Gorbachev?”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “President Reagan.”

American reporter: “So what. Everybody that met Mr. Gorbachev said Mr. Gorbachev. Even doormen in Moscow said Mr. Gorbachev. In fact, just a second ago, I said Mr. Gorbachev. How hard is it to say Mr. Gorbachev?

Ulagan, Batugurban: “One point three billion vowel blowing Chinese people can’t say Mr. Gorbachev. They say Mur Goi-a-chow.”

American reporters messaged back in unison: “That is because the Chinese are stuck inside cyber security, computer control, and language repression walls.”

A boy rushed forward and handed a Japanese reporter’s neatly folded hand written letter to the Mongolian-Russian interpreter, who opened it, read it, and messaged the content to reporters:

“The Mongolian five year economic cyber insecurity plan sounds interesting, but our economic reports tell us that there is competition from many nations. Russia, Nigeria, and Bulgaria appear to be far ahead of Mongolia in cyber-raiding, porn plunder, and website destruction. How do you plan to catch up with those nations’s cyber raiding sectors and achieve their high tech levels of destructivity?”

Ulagan, Batugurban answered in stilted Russian while the interpreter messaged: “Our plan is to follow the Chinese model and pirate the software from leading countries’, convert it to Mongol horse-arrow-rug code, and then export Mongol cyber raids and website plunder to the rest of the world.”

Discovery channel: ”Can we have filming rights?”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Of course, then it will be more fun pirating your film.   But: You Americans are too spontaneous. I am here to discuss the obstacle to our five year plan.”

Reporters: “And?”

Ulagan, Batugurban: ”Mongolia has no Ronald Reagan who will stand up and shout:

 ’Hu Zintao President of China, leader of 1.3 billion Chinese, and all that—tear down your great wall.’ ”

American reporters: ”But you just said it.”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Said what?”

American reporters “Hu Zintao.”

Ulagan, Batugurban:” I said it before, when I was on my horse.”

American reporters:” We know, that’s why we said you just said it.”

Ulagan, Batugurban: ” ‘Just saying it’  is not the same as: ’saying it before.’ ”

American reporters: “Before who?”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Gorbachev.  Ronald Reagan said it and then Gorbachev tore down his Berlin wall. But, here it is ten minutes after I stood up on the back of the stinky red rented horse, and almost fell.

Yet, Hu Zintao  the most powerful man in China has not responded and nor done anything to help the Mongolian economy recover from our collapsing wool price economy.”

American reporters: ”You don’t really think that the Berlin wall was broken up by West German teenagers and East German drunks because Ronald Reagan read a publicity agent’s line on his teleprompter one year before that Dumpty East German Wall had its great Fall.”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “Well one event came before the other.”

Reporter “And Genghis Khan died of saddle riding sickness because Pope Honorius the Humpty third prayed for it?”

Ulagan, Batugurban quickly jumped up on the stinky rented horse prop and shouted:

“Mr. Hu Zintao, President of China, leader of 1.3 billion communist people, Chief planner of five year plans, Chairman of Committees, Councils, Committees,–let us help you outsource the construction of the Great Chinese cyber wall.  You send us your cyber list. And Mongolian workers will plunder, pillage, and raid any website and porn hub that the 1.3 billion upstanding and down squatting Chinese citizens need protection from.”

Discovery Channel: “Ulagan, can you do it again. This time, with more cyber-terror in your voice.  And put some cyber-fear in the interpreter’s computer font.”

Ulagan, Batugurban : ”We offer you Mongol cheap wages and two thousand years of plundering expertise.”

American reporters: “Is that it? The Chinese can outsource to Bulgaria and get more efficient rates of cyber destruction than what you’re offering.”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “And, for free, we invite all Chinese squatting citizens to come to Mongolia and take Russian language classes; classes which will teach the Chinese people how to pronounce consonants. Our Russian classes will provide consonant combinations that are in no other language anywhere on this earth”.

American reporters: “Is that it?”

Ulagan, Batugurban: “By the time we are done working together each Chinese citizen will be able to say ”vzk” and “chv” in a perfect vocka slurred Russian accent:

‘It’s a great new wall-free world. Thank you Mr. Gorbachev. 

And would it be possible for you to tear down just one more little American junket, Congressman walking, and photo shoot wall?.’”

 

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 28th, 2009 at 8:58 am and is filed under Main Posts, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.