Russia Uses Siberian Air Mass to Bully Smaller Warmer Nations

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Russsia Asserting its Power again in a Multi-Polar world

January 16, 2010

In an ominous development reminiscent of the cold war, last week Russia was discovered to be amassing millions of cubic feet of frigid Siberian air, along the border of Kazakhstan, Ukraine, and the small huddled States of the Baltic. The polar air build up coincides with Russia’s recent spate of belligerent statements about western interference in Russia’s “near abroad” and its right to produce as much freezing air and heated rhetoric as it pleases.

Western European leaders expressed concern that Russia was returning to its bullying cold war ways. And they voiced a common suspicion that Vladimir Putin had unleashed the snow and wintery storms that have recently buried Europe and North America under snowdrifts and freezing temperatures. European leaders also expressed concern, that Russia may be storing hidden pockets of deep freezing snow, air, and ice, beyond the Ural mountains, outside the viewing range of western satellites and weather inspection services.

The Russian Minister of “abroad Stan affairs”, Yaroslav Dmitri Vladiput Gaporchevnick, denied that Russia had been involved in Western Europe’s winter storms but he did admit that Russia has continued to build up its stocks of cold Siberian air:

“Russia’s frigid atmosphere buildup is a logical rational response to European and North American, and now Chinese, build up of global warming. Why you complain because Russia moves one pawn against everybody’s global rook attack?”

Ralf Leiterf, of the CIA’s Wind, Rain, and Fog Division offered this assessment of Russia’s aggressive Siberian stance from his office blimp floating at an undisclosed location in the atmosphere:

“As global warming spreads and China produces more and more green house gases, Russia’s old fashioned fear and paranoia about being encircled by Western and Eastern ‘C02 emissions and warm air masses’ has re-emerged.

The U.S. military could blast the stratosphere above Moscow with a tropical jet stream from Honolulu’s Hickman Air Force base. However if hot Hawaiian air were to collide into Russia’s Siberian air stocks, the entire planet could explode into a: “Wet Fog”.

This dangerous because both countries have enough trouble making rational decisions in the fog of any war, but we can’t expect both the U.S. and Russia to keep their heads straight through the fog of a Fog war. “

As if to underscore the seriousness of Russia’s, winter buildup, Georgian President Mikhail Saakasvili was reported to be sending frantic messages to the governments of the United States, Brazil, and “eight equatorial countries” asking for warm air donations”.  According to Georgian news sources, Georgian “weather agents” had intercepted a large mass of  “polar Siberian air” moving, from Russia’s southern border towards Georgia. The Georgian President then put the small independent Caucasus nation on war, and ice, footing by ordering blankets, ice skates, and hockey pucks to be handed out to a frightened Georgian population.

The Russian Minister of “abroad Stan affairs”, Yaroslav Dmitri Vladiput Gaporchevnick, denied that Russia had any intention of invading Georgia with a battalion of Siberian temperatures and ice, and accused the Georgian President of attempting to foment international hysteria over some light snow flurries and a little winter frost. He then suggested that the Georgian President, resign, and retire to lower Uganda, where he might better appreciate Siberia’s moderating contribution to Georgia’s climate.

Western European leaders responded by announcing that they were sending eight thousand tropical plants to Georgia’s border areas to monitor the situation.

Undeterred by the lack of European support, Georgia’s President pleaded with members of the U.S. Congress, through emails, to send a million Texas style gas heaters to his country and asked for U.S. support in standing up to Russia’s deep freeze bullying ways.

Shortly after the Georgia’s President’s plea, photographers for Moscow’s newspaper Pravda, captured Russian Premier Vladimir Putin, on film, cross country skiing, without a shirt, hat, or ski boots, outside the Siberian city of Novosibirsk. When asked by reporters about the Georgian President’s remarks, Mr. Putin rolled up a snowball and crushed it with his bare left hand.

The Georgian President immediately called a press conference in the Georgian capital of Tbilisi, where, before cameras, from eighteen countries, he seized a ”significant sized bunch” of Georgian grapes in his right hand, and, crushed them into a sour wine soup.

Despite their own concerns, about Russia’s winter buildup, European leaders immediately scolded the Georgian President for engaging in provocative theatrics, and privately informed him to quit whining about Russia’s weather.

In the wake of the public “fist fight” between the two former Soviet bloc leaders, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton invited both Premier Putin and the Georgian President to join President Obama and leaders from six countries in making an “anti-global warming snowman” on the White House lawn. Mrs. Clinton asked, Russian Premier Putin, in particular, to bring some good cold Siberian snow, and suggested that the White House snowman would end up blind unless Georgian grapes were used to make “the eyes”.

Mrs. Clinton then invited Russian President Medvedev to Al Gore’s private video studio to “contemplate”, “breathe”, and “sigh” with the former U.S. Vice President.

As the cold sweep of air burrowed down on Ukraine and Georgia, the European tropical plant monitors quickly froze and wilted, setting off alarms and Christmas carols in six different European capitals.

Premier Putin quickly invited six European leaders, President Obama, and the Georgia President to Novosibirsk, to join Russian army troops in making ice sculptures of a Russian tank battalion. The Russian Premier also offered to lend Russian tanks to the Georgian wine industry to help “crush the grapes” into a fine winter wine. Premier Putin then informed European leaders that he and the Georgian President were “preparing” a first class military wine to celebrate the twenty thousandth’s anniversary of the “last ice age”.

As the mass of Siberian air finally swept across Ukraine and Georgia, leaders around the world discussed their options. The CIA’s Ralf Leiterf, offered this assessment of the situation by crushing a handful of fog with his fist. As the fog slipped through his knuckles Mr. Leiterf said:

“It is never any use trying to mold hot and air together. Instead we should let Russia keep their stock of Siberian winters while we keep our stock of Hawaii summers.

The next time any extreme Russian weather spills over the borders, we use our technology to catch it with air bags, pack it up, and send it as indoor air conditioning aid, to lower Uganda.

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**editors note: See Military don’t ask don’t tell story under main posts*

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