Unknown, Unseen Dark Political Energy May Be the Source of Debt Expansion

Scientists find that background toxic asset radiation is the same in all directions

January 24, 2009

A small group of MIT economists and scientists have recently discovered that the expansion of U.S. Government debt is accelerating. While government analysts and economists had suspected that debt growth was accelerating, for the first time hard numerical evidence of U.S. Government debt acceleration has been tested, measured, and converted into media debate fodder.

Speaking “off the record” to a group of reporters, in the basement of a Boston social security office, MIT Mathematician Dr. Harold Weinstein said the groups’ discovery could be attributed to a variety of fresh statistical and mathematical techniques and to the use of “high precision” scientific instruments. When asked by the reporters what mathematical technique was critical to the team’s accelerating debt discovery Dr. Weinstein answered:

“Counting”

When asked by the reporters what statistical technique was critical to the team’s accelerating debt discovery Dr. Weinstein answered:

“Counting twice and taking the average.”

When asked by the reporters what scientific instruments were critical to the team’s accelerating discovery Dr. Weinstein raised his hand and answered:

“Graduate student’s fingers.  And, sometimes professor’s toes.”

Upon hearing about Dr. Weinstein’s comments, officials at the U.S. Office of Management and Budget (OMB) in Washington D.C. immediately put out a request to hire sixty eight government analysts who “possess a full set of fingers and toes”, and have at least three years experience in “counting” pennies and other money-like objects.

In a follow up report, the MIT team postulated that an unknown, unseen, powerful “dark political energy” is driving “the acceleration” of the national debt expansion.

Speaking “waay” off the record, in a deserted Boston subway tunnel, Dr. Weinstein explained to reporters how the MIT team came to view “dark energy” as the main force behind the debt acceleration:

“Analysis of all known visible forces such as government tax policies, the military retirement buildup, and the number of stop signs on Wall street led us to conclude that the national debt expansion will slow in 2010, stop in 2014, and begin to retract in 2022.

Our models predict these known visible factors, by themselves would, by the year 2028, shrink the U.S. Government debt into a singular Lincoln penny located somewhere on the floor on the men’s room of the Treasury Department’s main building in Washington D.C.  

However we do not see that happening.  

This leads us to conclude there is some dark political energy out there beyond the human viewing range. Our instruments cannot read it, our eyes cannot see it, and our subway cars can’t run on it. However we believe, this unseen mysterious energy is propelling the U.S. debt outward at an accelerating rate.

We are still trying to tweak our model to determine which toilet stall the final debt penny would be located just in case this mysterious dark energy disappears.”

Reporters: “Where the dark energy might be located?”

Dr. Weinstein: “Under Congressional earmarks. “

Reporters: “Which ones?

Dr. Weinstein: “Interstate highway overpasses, chicken farm research centers, and buildings and roads with plaque signatures of U.S. Congressmen.”

Reporters: “Why would dark energy lie under these earmarks?”

Dr. Weinstein: “Actually the team suspects, underneath every earmark located in the visible spectrum there lies a whole unseen dark political process of deals, exchanges, and reciprocity agreements; none of which is visible to the naked eye. This dark political energy even could be accelerating the expansion of military budgets, agricultural subsidies, and generating pressure for buck naked government tax cuts.”

Reporters: “Dr. Weinstein, will any human being ever be able to see this dark political energy?”

Dr. Weinstein: “We think political campaigns and George Will columns are the places where dark energy surfaces into the visible spectrum. But that’s just a light conjecture.”

Reporter Dr. Weinstein.” Is there also dark political matter?”

Dr. Weinstein: ”Certainly yes. But I don’t want to name who these people are.”

Reporter: “Richard Nixon?

Dr. Weinstein: “We don’t know.”

Reporter: “Dick Cheney?

Dr. Weinstein: “No comment”

Reporter “That’s Mr. Cheney’s line. Are you dark political matter too?”

Dr. Weinstein: “No!”

Reporter: “Is that no, you are not dark matter. Or ‘no comment’ which means you are certainly political dark matter?”

Dr. Weinstein. “That’s a no, without the word ‘comment’ behind it.”

Reporter: “Would you care to comment why you said “no” but did not say the word “comment” after it?”

Dr. Weinstein: “I just had a new hypothesis.”

Reporter “Which is?”

Dr. Weinstein: “Reporter questions could accelerate the expansion of our debt.”

Reporter ”How?”

Dr. Weinstein: “By creating a vortex of explosive dark anger.”

Within a day, of the Boston tunnel interview, a Columbia University Physics and Economic team challenged the MIT claim that counting, counting twice, and graduate fingers, alone, could have led to the discovery and measurement of accelerating debt expansion.

In a deep tongue “off the record” interview with a New York Times crossword puzzle writer, Dr. Marvin Frussfed of Columbia University, claimed that the MIT team could not have even seen to the distant outer the edge of U.S. debt without a government funded high tech instrument.

Dr. Frussfed: “Face it, the media every day tells us that the ’debt extends out as far as the human eye can see’. To see the outer edges of the expanding U.S. Government debt you need a good hundred inch wide telescope with multi-money-focal lenses.”

MIT’s Dr. Weinstein responded to Dr. Frussfed’s charge in a “off the CD ROM” interview with a Boston Globe reporter, in an abandoned Boston dumpster:

“All I can say is that we had a technical breakthrough. Rather than use a money-focal lens telescope to see out to the distant edges of the U.S. government debt, we “devised” an “instrument” which could map the debt’s outer edges.”

Reporter “Is that a high tech pied piper flute?”

Dr Weinstein “Well, no. The instrument allowed us to measure the background radiation from the original explosion of toxic financial assets. When we saw that toxic asset radiation was the same in all directions we knew we have reached the outer of edge of the U.S. debt.“

Reporter: ”Where did you get the money to devise the toxic asset radiation instrument?”

Dr. Weinstein: “No comment”

Reporter: “So your MIT research was funded by a congressional earmark?”

Dr. Weinstein: “No Comment”

Reporter: “Are you dark energy or dark matter?”

Dr. Weinstein: “It’s just a hypothesis”

Reporter: ”And it’s just an exploding U.S. Government debt.”

Tags: Economy

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 23rd, 2010 at 10:27 am and is filed under Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.