Two-Party Stubbornness Lead Independents to Call for the Establishment of Political Party Reservations

January 30, 2010

According to nick-named sources, Democrats have vowed to continue to push for health care reform even after every Democrat is thrown out of office. A chagrined Nancy Pelosi sent the following memo, delivered by donkey pouch, to members of the democratic Caucus:

“If push comes to shove-us-out, we will not let the fact that none of us hold elective office stop us from pursuing health care reform. Our party wants it, five percent of the American asked for it, and we can resurrect Ted Kennedy and transform him into five hundred and sixty different hospital buildings with it.”

The House speaker was not clear, if push comes to shove, how any group of unelected former politicians could actually push through Health care reform. However rumor has it that Capitol Hill Democrats are debating the following out-of-office “Plan F” options:

The Plans

1) A Democratic spokesperson will, at some future date, declare that newly discovered documents reveal that Congress passed the Health Care reform bill in 1802.

2) A Democratic cable technician will, at some future date, redirect all Fox News Network broadcasts to a galaxy that contains a mammoth-sized black hole.

3) After serving out his or her Congressional term, each Democrat member will snatch his or her favorite committee chair, truck it back to his or her home district, and, while the newly elected politicians are  looking for their committee chairs, the deposed congress-person will quickly tele-vote for health care reform.

4) A Democratic bartender will, at some future date, start up rumors that all Blue State hospital staff will be relocated to Canada.

5) A Democratic teenager, at some future date, will send secret e-messages to freshman Republicans which will insinuate that “the public option” is a Texas sized tax cut.

6)  A Democrat Historian, at some past and future date, will declare that British troops stole the 1802 health care plan in the war of 1812 and sold it, and Thomas Jefferson’s collection of favorite medical pills, to France for forty six million pounds.

7) Democrat college students will inform veteran Republicans that “the public option” is right to purchase fundraising bonds at a specific date in the future.

8) A Democrat doctor, at some future date, will start up rumors that all Red State hospital staff will be relocated to Cuba.

9) Retired Democratic Senators will be encouraged to join Ted Kennedy in working from a more “elevated” platform.

10) At every date Democrats will expose voters to six months of Sara Palin “you betchas”, until the entire nation requests government medical treatment for nausea.

11) At some distant future date, a Democrat news reporter will announce that Aliens from the Fox News Galaxy are preparing to attack Canada’s medical system with spaceships, filibustering sound waves, and TV anchor droids.

The Underlying Problem

As they search for a way to pass Health Care Reform, either now or once out of office, Democratic Congressmen and Senators appear to be struggling to purify their political beliefs as they pose bare honest in public.

 Said an undisclosed political analyst, called deep larynx, from the White Flint research institute in Rockville Maryland:

“If you take ten Republican politicians who represent four million voters, they will cleanse their beliefs and conspire to cut taxes until all they can attract is nine votes and one Fox News interrogation.

Now the Democrats have “gone pure” by backing a health care bill into a corner and convincing themselves they’ve cornered the political market with it.”

A partially disclosed policy analyst, Ms. Heather  ___-ola, for the Fair Oaks research institute in Fairfax Virginia agreed with her Maryland counterpart:

“Democrat Politicians talk democrat to Democrat politicians and democratic think tanks.

“Republican Politicians talk republican to Republican politicians and republican think tanks.

We admit this internal party chatter is good for maintaining a healthy unbalanced political ego for the typical, on-the-go, Congress person.

However an increasing number of voters report that all they hear from Washington D.C. is President’s Obama’s accelerated sentence structure and their own Congressperson speaking in political tongues.”

A second, partially disclosed analyst, Ms.____ther  Olivola, from the Fair Oaks research institute in Fairfax Virginia added:

“Right now, the country has three political parties; the tax cut party, the heath overall party, and, Bill Clinton.”

The Solution

In light of the each party’s self fixations, a growing number of Democratic and Republican voters are joining with their independent counterparts in calling for the establishment of, and budgeting for separate Democrat and Republican: “politician reservations.”

According to independent voter rights groups the “political reservations” would be located, in the spacious outdoor west or mid plains states, and follow the “Hopi Indian model”.

Said “deep larynx” from the White Flint research institute in Rockville Maryland:

“The Republican reservation government will meet once a year to ban taxes.  And there will be weekly IRS 1040-form burning ceremonies in every town. Any Republican who joins the reservation will be allowed to build their own house with home-made nails, home-school their kids, and fill up their own pockets with change to pay the highway robbers and toll booths.

The Republican Party Reservation can be put in place quickly. All it will take is a few no trespassing signs and two Rush Limbaugh sightings to convert Western Nebraska into a solid Republican Party Reservation.

In contrast, the Democratic Reservation will set up special clubs and coffee houses where customers can contemplate the meaning of unfairness, fondle latte drinks, and discuss what kind of health reform they want. Inheritance laws will allow parents to pass on their suggestions for health care reform onto the next generation. That way the health care fight does not have to expire after one generation dies out.

The Democratic Party Reservation may take time to establish. We are debating which Northern California counties would be the best place to set aside Democratic Politicians and wait for the resurrection of Ted Kennedy.

Finally,

We hope to have the Bill Clinton Reservation installed inside a mobile recreational vehicle which would wander, waffle, and wobble around the country and world.  Bill Clinton will be expected to fill it with former staffers, young admirers, and physically correct hitchhikers.”

After news of the Reservation plan leaked out, Republicans announced they were sending two thousand “volunteers” to coffee houses in Northern California to filibuster democratic discussion of health care reform. Democrats countered by introducing a bill to raise taxes in western Nebraska to fund the relocation of Red State hospital staff to Cuba.

This led a group of Congressional Republicans to charge into a Democrat caucus meeting on Capitol Hill wearing Ted Kennedy masks and demand that Democrats halt the plans to export Red State medical staff to Cuba.  

Congressional Democrats responded by charging into a Republican a caucus prayer group wearing Ronald Reagan masks and demanding that Republications filibuster their own fundraising speeches.

Republicans then resolved to filibuster health care reform even after they are out of office.  Democrats openly announced that once out of office, they would join the out-of-office Republicans in the filibuster and health debate.

Said deep larynx, of the White Flint research institute in Rockville Maryland:

I don’t know if these masked raids and out-of-office threats will continue. But at, least the Hopi Indian proposals have got Democrats and Republican talking “at” each other rather than just “to” their own selves.

 ***note see “don’t ask don’t tell” investigation under

 ’main posts heading*

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