A Little Bit of Snow Outperforms the Republican Party

February 9th, 2009

Two howling, back to front, winter storms dumped two to three feet of heavy wet snow on Washington D.C. and surrounding regions; effectively paralyzing the entire U.S. Government for an entire week. Five days after the first snowfall, the White House agenda appeared to be buried under drifting snow, members of Congress remain scattered about the region’s neighborhoods and political landscapes, and tens of thousands of government employees remained trapped in their homes deprived of each morning’s Dilbert comic strip.

The winter weather has caused goverment workers, and contractors, to undergo undue suffering. For example, numerous government employees have been forced to face their spouse, and teenage kids, for more than ninety six continuous hours. Others, hoping to escape the indoor winter onslaught, ventured outside only to maneuver their cars “into” impassible residential streets that remained unplowed and buried under several feet of snow or terrorized by reckless SUV drivers.

As day after day of complete governmental paralysis continued, Americans across the rest of the country reported that they could not detect any difference in the performance of the U.S. Government.

Hollywood Writer James Ames James summed up the situation on the “Writers Without Work” website:

“The twitter toots I am getting from the East Coast say that government employees are either frantically shoveling it higher and deeper, sitting frozen in place, or obsessively watching their work plans get blown away on national TV. This pretty much describes the typical U.S. Government working day.”

The Republican Response

As snow continued to pile up Republicans anxiety and outright jealously over the weather’s ability to paralyze a Democratic run government began to show.  Party members doubled their efforts to hide their dismay that “falling virgin white snow” has outperformed every Republican filibuster and intransigent maneuver combined.

Said policy analyst Dr. Harold Frum at the White Flint Institute in Rockville, Maryland:

“Using determination, group stubbornness, and wild exaggeration hard working Republicans managed to freeze up health care reform. Now, a flock of fluffy white crystals has airily floated down through the breeze to freeze up the daily operations of the entire U.S. Government. It is little wonder exhausted Republicans are jealous. ”

James Ames James agreed:

“My conservative friends have switched from Fox News to the Weather Channel. The TV was playing at the bar of a Republican Party golf resort I visited yesterday. Every time the anchor mentioned Mid Atlantic storms, the room broke out cheering.  I never thought I’d see the day when it was conservative Republicans who looked up to any group named the “weathermen”.

As if  to confirm Mr. James’ e-statement, environmental blogs received the following e-mail from a Quentin Whali-Laver of Green Peace:

“Conservative, formerly ignorant, Republicans are suddenly donating money to ”stop”, global warming. Republicans say they will support our efforts; at least until the next election. They might even continue the fight against global warming after 2012; depending on who wins the election.”

Meanwhile Americans across the country claim they remain indifferent to the source of government paralysis. Said Dr. Frum:

“Our survey data shows that voters don’t care if it is stubborn Republicans, Democratic incompetence, or “snow” that locks up the U.S. Government. To them the outcome is the same. In fact, sixty percent of survey respondents say they feel snowed under a blizzard of confusion every time the government does show up to work. 

That is, to the public at large it would be all the same if the seat of the U.S. Government were to move to Wasilla, Alaska.”

James Ames James quickly rushed to differ, e-mailing fellow writers:

” ‘Snowed in’ is one thing.

‘Snowed’ is something else.

Voters may think they want to move the government to Wasilla, Alaska. However, up there, it would take more than three feet of snow to stop the tea from percolating.

In fact, it could take global warming twenty years to flood Wasilla with enough melted arctic ice to paralyze some future, third rate, tea bag government.”

Said Dr. Frum

“Voters should be grateful to live in a country with a paralyzed government. If all these government employees had been working this week the rest of us might be lining up to receive our snow removal permits.”

Banana news (www.bananaws.com) 

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 7th, 2010 at 7:17 pm and is filed under Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.