Republican Conference Evacuated After Caller Threatens to Raise Taxes

By admin

Mysterious Tax Caller Creates One Party Panic

Feb 28, 2010

Republicans attending a Party conference in Washington D.C. were forced to evacuate Washington D.C.’s Marriot Monument Marble Hotel after a mysterious group phoned police and threatened to announce a tax increase inside the hotel’s main auditorium.  As word of a tax threat spread through the auditorium crowd nervous Republicans began to head towards the doors.  The jittery atmosphere broke into outright panic when a second caller announced that a truckload of “fiscally enhanced” IRS forms would be “dumped” in front of the auditorium’s double door entrance.

Stampeding Republicans quickly bullied their way towards all possible exits. Amid shouts and screams, panicked conference members could be heard dialing 911 on their cell phones and wishing relatives and loved ones a political goodbye.

Republican operatives tried to calm the crowd by repeatedly calling for multiple tax cuts, immediate suspension of all government spending, and smaller annual increases in congressional salaries. However the stampeding mob continued to rush out, broke through the auditorium double doors, caught sight of a four foot pile of IRS 1040 forms, turned and ran for the windows and back exits. The two-way surge of escaping Republicans rammed into each other, creating a vortex of rising tempers, excuse’ moi’s, and tangled party coalitions. 

In a desperate effort to prevent delegates from being trampled, or overly regulated by government hall monitors, party leaders smashed open windows and pulled terror stricken participants into tax free decompression rooms.

Attending Congressional Republicans hastily took the stage and introduced three bills to cut government spending by sixteen thirds and one bill to move IRS headquarters to a mono-lingual trailer park located on the bi-legal side of Del Rio Texas.  

Despite the effort to calm the crowd the melee continued to swirl with panicked Republicans.  Police sirens could be heard in the background while hundreds of conservatively owned cell phones erupted in quick patriotic ring tones.

A city fire Marshall seized the microphone and asked members of the crowd to sit down and “act regulated.”

The fire marshal’s statement ignited a second burst of paranoia, panic, and set off a new dash for the doors and bathroom stalls.

Party functionaries rushed to erect “levy protection” walls along the outside parking lot. Political elders took the stage and announced, to the panicky audience, that the southern supply side of the parking lot had been secured for Republicans or any person who needed to avoid regulation, protect their political careers, or deny owning American money.


As word of the outlaw tax “attack” spread across the news networks, Democrats rushed forward to deny responsibility. And Democrats condemned the attackers for circumventing legal methods, and forgetting earmarks, when raising revenues.

Republican newscasters refused to take the Democratic denial on good faith. Newscasters then charged Democrats with creating Caribbean, tax writing havens where Democrat operatives write up new tax bills, without oversight or a plot line, and phone in the final chapter to Congress and Republican conventions.

Democrats returned fire, accusing Republicans of creating Caribbean, tax write-off havens where business operatives outsource American money and phone in profit-default swaps to Wall Street and the IRS.

Republican newcasters hit back claiming that democrat addiction to spending people ‘s “hard earned money” on trial lawyer entitlements had put a hole in the nations money belt which threatened to drop the financial pants off the U.S. currency; leaving the nation “buck” naked and exposed to an embarrassing public run on the dollar.


As the debate raged over the TV network’s, a squadron of police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks descended on the mob of dazed, disheveled Republicans who were strewn, stumbling about, the Marriot Monument Marble Hotel’s south parking lot, and threatening to burn soot-belching, coal fired, global warming heaters at the next Democratic convention.

Republican operatives quickly rushed forward and offered arriving police and ambulance drivers permanent tax cuts; in exchange, for help in administering temporary emergency mouth-to-audience tax cuts to the Republican crowd.

Firemen, police, and ambulance drivers quickly turned down the offer claiming that tax cuts threatened their public salaries and vacation plans.

Republican supply siders rushed to the police squad, with pens and napkins, and offered to raise taxes on criminal activities and showed police that according to “supply side napkin drawings”, their offer would theoretically reduce the supply of local criminals.

The police turn down the offer claiming that, in the real world, criminals have a poor record of paying taxes on illegal criminal activity.

 Operatives then asked police if a list of criminal addresses could be provided to Republican fundraisers.

As emergency workers and Republican operatives bargained, a fleet of two hundred yellow cab Taxis suddenly descended on the mob in the Marriot Monument Marble parking lot.

The speaker system announced that a supply of north side taxis were available to carry dazed Republicans to communal safe houses located next to the Education Department’s main office.


Investigators have are still trying to determine what happened next.

One week later, over two hundred convention attendees, swear that they heard the Marriot sound system declare: “Supply side taxes were available”

One week later, Washington DC Taxi drivers swear that they thought speed limit signs apply equally to: “the reverse gear”.

One week later, Democratic operatives denied knowing any taxis drivers and claimed Democrats only subsidized public transport.

One week later, Republican operatives denied using physical means to aggressively provide direct mouth-to-tax resuscitation to stunned policeman and ambulance drivers.

One week later, investigative economic assistants claim that they have yet to determine what a “supply side tax increase” might be. However an over half admitted they had never had determined what a “supply side tax cut” was.

One week later, DC fireman claimed that they did not panic but were only following standard operating procedure when they unleashed a mountain of fire-fight foam, to create a foam-wall against what they, at the time, perceived to be a fast moving tax cut mouth foaming mob.

One week later, Tea party members denied organizing a 1040-IRS form bonfire on the front Auditorium steps of the Marriot Monument Marble Hotel.

One week later, IRS agents cannot explain why a Mr. Jesus Rigoberto Ardrade, of South side trailer park in Del Rio Texas continues to receive over four thousand completed 1040 forms each day.

And the DC yellow-cab dispatcher service swears, one week later, that Republican operators had asked her to call the convention center if she could increase the supply of emergency taxis to the South side of Marriot Monument Marble Hotel parking lot.

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