Anecdotal Evidence Points To A Deterioration in the Nation’s Karaoke Skills

By admin

A Nation at Risk

March 12, 2009

In a sign of America’s failing Education, Recreation, and Sound Systems, there is a growing consensus among nightspot audiences and performers alike, that the United States faces erosion of its critical Karaoke skills. Anecdotal evidence indicates that there is an increasing number of “off key” performances throughout the nation’s nightspots. Adding to this, there also seems to be a growing number, perhaps due to alcohol and other substances, performances that go:

“off platform.”

“I went to one of my usual nightspots in Northern Virginia last Friday night, with three Karaoke disks” and decided I could not get up on stage after so many performers mangled so many songs” lamented talented Karaoke singer Lan Aw Tan, who typically sings in four languages, and hums in three, on a single night.

“It’s just sad. However the off-key howling and primordial screeching could be a perfect imitation of the real commercial performance. You don’t know where, in the chain of musical transmission, the defect is located” said a worried looking Mr. Tan.

“If it stays this bad I will just stay home Friday nights and play ping pong with a robot that spits plastic balls out of its mouth and then makes me pick them up.”

“Oops, I mean, Table Tennis” said Mr. Tan

“I’m sorry about the foul mood the Karaoke wailers have gotten me into.”

Long time Karaoke singers, nightclub, and bar owners from across the country, corroborated Mr. Tan’s story. They too have complained about a new generation of singers with poor timing, questionable subtitle reading skills, off key voices, and who have a tendency to look up and point to a table of friends, midway through a performance, and, giggle.

“It’s just too embarrassing. And then there is the quality of the ‘music’ the young performers choose to mimic. You would think the intelligence agencies were using our nightspots to water-board rock music performers” said long time Karaoke practitioner, Nayla Flanning.

“But where I live in Baltimore it is so bad that a few garbage trucks that were banging trash bins around at 6 A.M. in the morning, received a city music award.”

Educators and economists stated that the decline in national Karaoke skills is particularly troubling since Karaoke is the one place where Americans took a product that was invented in Japan, borrowed it, and improved upon it. Said Berkley economist Jopper Cop:

“It’s the only place where we managed to reverse the Japanese—and now Asian phenomena. We took Karaoke from them, made it better, and could have begun exporting it. Now the next generation is blowing it.”

Experts could not agree on where the problem lay but said declining Karaoke skills could prove to be a key weakness for the economy at large and, might serve as an indicator of the future economic performance of the nation. Educators tend to say the problem originates with reading skills that “hamper the ability of performers to read the wording on Karaoke disks.”

Economists, in contrast, blame declining math skills.

Bar owners, who clean up after each nightly performance, blame break-dancing.

Meanwhile, professionally paid performers claim that the whole Karaoke problem has been over-hyped.  Professionals say that it is increasingly difficult to imitate the “rapidly improving quality” of today’s commercial music.

“Commercial music gets better and harder to do every year. Face it, that is why the imitators are where they are and we are where we are,” said one Hollywood based performer with two top hits, and basement full of recording equipment, computers and a state of the art sound modification system.”

Karaoke performer Nayla responded:

“Yeah, nobody does Cher any more.  A friend of mine tried doing some of those electronic echoes in the middle of Hotel California and almost sprained his larynx. And the bar owner wasn’t so thrilled when a black bat swooped in the front door and bit on the mike.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Tan said he was not giving up:

“I have been working on my forehand. My robot thinks I should take a table tennis class with Dan Olsen to improve the consistency of my down the line, off the platform, nick the point, shot.

“Oh, Karaoke!. I don’t know.  Do you think Don Olsen would fall “off karaoke platform” if we made him sing one of those college, ping pong, marching,— and net jumping, —songs?”

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One Response to “Anecdotal Evidence Points To A Deterioration in the Nation’s Karaoke Skills”

  1. Awesome music and the scenery goes so well? with it!!!


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