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Politicians Promise to Return To The Time Before The Bad Stuff Happened to Our Country

By admin

Mistakes were made somewhere between March 1, 2009, and Jan 01, 1848.

November 1, 2010

Responding to voter anger, politicians across the United States promised to undo the mistakes of the “current” political establishment and return the country to an era dominated by prosperity, family TV, and gossip about local issues. That is, Republican politicians promise to repeal President Obama’s health care reform. Democratic politicians promise to repeal President’s Bush’s tax cuts. And Tea party candidates promise to outlaw Starbucks coffee houses.

Claiming that: “mistakes have been made, deficits have skyrocketed, and that, ‘the government’ has taken over too much of the government”,

Tea party candidate Bomad Bufonford, of Oklahoma, outlined a plan to broadcast Bonanza and Lassie on every TV channel in existence. And he promised that one day, every internet search engine would have a deputy-sheriff Barney Pyle–POP-UP–on its entertainment site.

Speaking to an enthusiastic crowd of three wealthy donors, the Tea Party candidate also promised that if elected to Congress, he would order every video game to open with two minutes of Christian prayer. And end with an explosion that destroys the video disk.

—–Tennessee Republican candidate Hank Hawkurd promised that, when elected, he would force schools to tear down the inner walls of “discrimination” and return every student to a single room school house. Mr. Hawkurd also promised to eliminate school buses.

The Tennessee candidate told a group of Memphis high school seniors:

“With my plan, students who do not graduate will stay grounded to their school-room; as well as lose their weekly allowance.”

New Hampshire Republican Wilson R. Wilson promised to repeal Obama’s financial reform bill, ban computerized markets, and restore the British East-India Trading company.

Speaking to a group of penny gum machine manufacturers Mr. Wilson said:

 “Money has been lost. Our homes turned into commodities. And our mortgage payments treated like pork bellies. In short, our financial system took a wrong turn when voters let Obama into White House, computers on the trading floor, and allowed living Chinese people to touch honest American money with their own hands. “

As explosive bursts of micro-chaos erupted within the Republican Party, Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell tried channel to the anger and blame. Speaking to a group of three skeptical Republican donors from Oklahoma, the Senate leader said:

“Clearly the country would not be in this mess if the Democrats had not invented Starbucks and Face-Book. “

Hoping to mollify Tea party activists he added:

“This country’s coffee drinkers need to return to the five cent Styrofoam cup of coffee which once retained the flavor of American plastic mud. And neighbors need to unplug that liberal-linking Face-Book and return to gossiping back and forth, –about the weird lifestyles of Democrat politicians,– over freshly painted white picket fences.”

Yet, Even the Liberals

Surprisingly, Democrats have proven to equally adamant about returning the country to the past.

Last month, a group of fourteen Democratic congressmen tried to move the clock back to daylight saving time prior to the Nov 2nd election claiming: “If it’s light enough in the morning, millions of Republicans will be out turkey hunting and forget to vote.”

And tens of thousands of Democrat politicians have been itching, scratching, and bleeding heart liberal, to undo the 10 year old Bush tax cuts. For example:

--Democratic Congressman Granish Localle from Vermont, told a Burlington audience that the Bush Tax cuts had made thousands of Texan millionaires unnecessarily rich.

--Democratic Congressman Steede Beamel from Pennsylvania, told a group of Pittsburg schoolteachers that the Reagan Tax cuts had made hundreds of Texan millionaires unnecessarily rich.

--Democratic Congressman Chester Peakabay from Maryland, told a black Baltimore audience, that Grant administration reconstruction money had allowed the State of Texas to “over-recover” from the Civil War and; had made over eighty two white Texan millionaires unnecessarily rich.

--Democratic Congressmen Garcia Cruz-Ria Agrande from Texas, told a San Antonio rodeo audience, that the Bush tax cuts had made his Republican rival unnecessarily flush with Texas campaign cash.

Former President George Bush II told his Fort Worth Bankers, that the Bush tax cuts, had moved his family up two tax brackets, and made the U.S. Government unnecessarily rich.

Politicians Pile It On

Democrats, not only have promised to undo the Bush, Reagan, and Kennedy tax cuts. Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that if the Democrats retain their majority in both houses, they will introduce a bill to force Wall Street CEO’s to walk barefoot across the Bronx, and in loin cloths, each April 15, and repent, -about something worthy of a news headline, –while making promises to donate their bonuses to any “progressive” cause; as long as it is: “managed by an administrator with a whiny voice”.

In contrast, the Tea party officially–promised to restore the U.S. government to its rightful place…in the Tower of London.

Meanwhile, Democratic candidate George Howling Bear of Idaho promised, if elected, that he would ship every European and African “visitor” back to the continent of their ancestor’s origin.

The Idaho candidate also promised to restore the alliance of the Soaring Eagle, Howling Wolf, and Groping Bear nations, to its rightful place next to Red-Fishing-Jumping Pond and Otter Pervert Lake.  

George Howling Bear told a audience of British tourists, that the Bush tax cuts had allowed rich Texan hunters to “shoot out” the best hunting grounds in the upper North West States; making his rivals at the Groping Bear gambling casino, unnecessarily loaded.

Bill Clinton jointed the debate by telling CNN news that “turning back the political clock” would only haul the country back over the bridge linking the 20th and 21rst centuries. The former President said such a move would force the country to stare at the 1990’s in the mirror, (all over again); an action which had already been banned by his wife.

Joining up with gurus from the world of technology such as Steven Jobs and an Intel computer chip which generates 16 million unique GNP’s forecast per second, for year 2012, 

Bill Clinton said the only solution was to:

“ fast forward to the 22nd century”

and:

“forget all the ‘return-to-Bonanza-TV’ talk”

and instead:

“prepare for the day when robots eliminate work and taxes, and turns every American into a big rich Texas millionaire.”

 

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