Virginia Teens Use Twitter to Communicate with Birds

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Noisy Spring Could Turn into Silent Summer

April 25, 2009-(Note: Article Won 1rst place in Humor and Life Writing Contest)

In a turn of events which Biologists claim is unprecedented in Nature, this spring millions of birds, representing hundreds of species, after arriving at their usual Northern habitats, have flown back to the Southern Hemisphere. Professional Biologists and amateur bird watchers alike had been at a loss to explain the exodus of avian wildlife, which has drained North America’s woods, meadows, and parks of its annual spring melodies.
Recently a group of teenagers in Oakton, Virginia went on a local radio station to explain. The five member teenage group claimed that three tweeting blue jays provided their teen-group with six reasons for the back-migration of birds to the Southern Hemisphere.  Scientists immediately dismissed the teenagers’ claim while bird watchers claimed that ”six” seemed to be an unusually high number of reasons. 
All parties agree arriving birds have turned around and returned south. Birdwatcher Heather Thru-o-toe expressed her amazement: “In the past day my binocs and I have witnessed seven Robins, five Bluejays, four big black crows, and two Wen-Wali-Warblers, land, look around, chirp, tweet, and then, —-rise up like a British Jump Jet, and fly off to the South Horizon. Just like that. It’s as if they don’t like the feel in the air and just say, to the heck with it. Maybe it has something to do with this immigration stuff you hear on the radio.”
Professional scientists have offered several possible explanations. Dr. George Frivsold of the George Mason University in Virginia explained:
“Most biologists believe this spring’s back migration of birds has to do with wi-fi, GPS, cellphones, satellite beams, and plain old radio. We have turned the atmosphere of the Northern Hemisphere into an ocean pulsating with electro-raido waves. I imagine that these poor feathered brains are so bombarded with signals from every which direction that they can’t figure out North from South, East from West, or even up from down.  And how can we expect the birds to figure it out? They have bird brains.”
While biologists and scientist worldwide tend to agree, it is this statement that a group of computer savvy teens, in the Washington suburb of Oakton, Virginia, has risen to contest.
Said Madison High School teen Tim Morfes:
“What do these PH-deads know. Just like a scientist to accuse birds of having the brains of a bird. Actually birds are quite intelligent and have been telling us that with the economy  the way it is, the lack of food in birdfeeders, the pesticides from the bio-fuel corn, and where they see our immigration policy going, they have had it with North America.”
Added the Tim’s friend Sashley O’Town:
“The birds want people to know nobody flys South for the winter. South is their home. Instead they fly North for the summer because, here, in the North, the summers have a spicy feather-fluffing singles market, a tweeting hot music scene, and long days with great insect barbecue.”
When pressed by school officials at Oakton’s Madison high school the teens refused to answer where they got their information and denied using drugs. However after Madison biology teacher, Sally Lams, threatened to ban the Oakton teen-group from taking the state SOL exams, the teens admitted to using the computer program Twitter to communicate with birds.
Teen Tim Morfes explained:
“It really wasn’t hard. We took Twitter and tweaked the program a bit, and got the usual twit and tweet communication.  It wasn’t til we tweaked the tweets in the Twitter in-box, that we realize that the in-tweets were real state-of -nature tweets that had been translated into twitter tweets through our tweaked twitter code. So, like wow, we were communicating with real fly-in-the sky birds. At first our brains were just tweaked out by it all.”
The teen added:
“But, like, we learned pretty quick the how to tweet ourselves. Like now, we can direct-tweet, in, like, a genuine state-of-nature tweet language. It’s pretty cool for the birds too.”
School Administrators and police immediately rounded up the teen group and subjected them to several intense rounds of drug search and questioning. After failing to emit one tweet out of any of the teenagers, psychologists, under police guidance, convinced the teenagers to Twitter tweet while attached to police lie detectors. At first, psychologists were unable to detect anything usual. However forty minutes after the tweeting detector test began, twenty-two amateur bird watchers with binoculars were caught creeping up towards the Oakton’s Madison High school grounds where the tweeting tests were being administered.
The teen group’s demonstrated ability to attract bird watchers, with their tweets, only raised further suspicion by school officials and police. In a second more thorough round of questioning by school officials, the teens insisted that most birds were upset over the economy, the empty birder feeders, the falling stockmarket, the size of executive bonuses, pesticides in the North, a poor season of insect barbecue sauce, as well as all the immigration discussion on talk radio. 
However it was not until a quick witted policeman asked Sashely O’Town, the youngest girl in the Oakton group, to tell it to the birds, that the Oakton teen group’s story was verified to be true. According to witnesses, Sashely opened a window, logged on to Twitter and began tweeting. Within minutes hundreds of different species of birds landed in front of the window and, according to Sashley, demanded the Government bailout any mortgage-stressed homeowner who has a well-stocked birdhouse on his or her property.
The teens’ insistence that birds “all over the world” had been following the recent economic news was corroborated when witnesses spotted buzzards circling both Wall, Street, GM headquarters in Detroit, and the Chicago board of trade.
Upon hearing that the Oakton teen story had been corroborated by evidence, scientists and intelligence analysts throughout the country immediately flocked to the Oakton school site holding the Twitter-tweaking teenagers.
School administrators responded by demanding that police, search all scientists, intelligence officials, and birds for drugs before entering school grounds.
Scientist and Intelligence officials, in turn asked the Oakton teens to use their twitter skills to initiate a discussion with any birds that happened to be present, and translate their subsequent questions and answers.
According attending birdwatchers, the group of teenagers first demanded payment from the group of scientists for their translating service.  School officials demanded to know if the word “payment” was a code word for “drugs”. According to several bird watching witnesses, after few tense moments of negotiation, Tim Morfes, the head of teen group, announced that the “payment” should consist of eight plane tickets to any Southern Hemisphere country that does barbecue.
Once the details were worked out Scientists and birds held a four-hour preliminary “exploratory exchange of views” while the Oakton teen group Twitter translated.  Scientists and teens reported that birds were not just upset over pesticides, poorly stocked birdfeeders, and the size of executive bonuses. Many other “silent offenses” were on the bird’s mind which no one had anticipated.
In one example cited by scientists, intelligence officials, and bird watchers alike, the birds said they were upset about their diminishing role in sex education.
Said biologist George Frivsold:
“We never knew birds took their role so seriously. They said it was no accident that millions of bees had disappeared the previous year and that they, the birds, were returning to Southern Catholic countries only one year later. The said that when they and the bees had sex education to themselves, they played their Santa Claus role with real grace and mystery.”
Dr. Frivsold elaborated:
“Who could of guessed the birds would be insulted over a dull-witted pile of graphic diagrams, a few gross-out pictures, a condom, and a few AIDS statistics. This one bluejay said, that he heard, through some Crows, that the Storks feel completely abandoned by sex educators. “
School officials upon hearing the birds lament banned all birds from school grounds and threatened to sue scientists for attempting to tamper with the State’s biological curriculum. They also announced that use of the computer program Twitter has also been banned from Virginia State schools and any student caught using Twitter or tweeting would be suspended for drugs.
Meanwhile airlines report that bird watchers and teenagers are following the bird flocks South. Bird Watcher Heather Thru-o-toe was found headed to Dulles international airport in Fairfax country Virginia, with a suitcase of birding equipment and a Twitter program manual. When asked by a reporter she answered:
“I can’t wait to see my first male Toucan. When I see him, the first thing I am going to do is ask him if that big rainbow beak of his, ever attracted any cute Wen-Wali-Walblers.”
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One Response to “Virginia Teens Use Twitter to Communicate with Birds”

  1. Amazing! Not clear for me, how offen you updating your

    Good question.

    I plan to write and post in one story every week. It will probably be posted over the weekend. If there is time I will put in a second story. But with work, a 5 days
    a week table tennis schedule, a 16 yr
    old, a lawn to mow, I am only, at the moment to write one story a week.

    However there are over 100 ideas usting sitting there waiting to be written up.


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