2012 Election News: Every Adult American Is Running for President

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Experts fear a 180 million-way tie.

April 25, 2011

The growing ranks of Presidential candidates has swollen to the point that every Adult American is  running for President in 2012. An exhausted looking Head of the Federal Election Commission (FEC) told  reporters:

“The American ego has trumped over old fashioned paperwork.  That is, as of five o’clock yesterday, every adult American has signed up to run for President. Now, our problem is that there is no left to run for Vice President. ”

The commissioner added: “In case, you are interested, when elected, I promise to cut electoral paper work by 67.2 percent.”

According to the FEC, the last remaining adult who was not running for President, Harry Eagleton a 84 year old pensioner living in Tifton New Jersey, filed his claim midnight April 30th. Mr. Eagleton was quoted telling his favorite nurse:

“Why gosh darn not? I can run the country as good Calvin Coolidge did. Besides, if elected, the White House staff can show me how to fill out my medical prescriptions.”

Dennis Kucinich, 4 time Presidential candidate, told reporters:

“For once, I am better qualified than 179.99 million candidates.  Maybe this time, my wife will vote for me.”

According to backbiting rumors, a panicked League of Women voters is frantically trying to organize next year’s Presidential debates. League members admit they are working on a way to fit 180 million wooden podiums on one stage and still find space for 284 Congressional egos.

Debate organizers were overheard complaining that they cannot find anyone to sit in the audience-auditorium other than underage minors, illegal aliens and former President Jimmy Carter.”

As the candidate list lengthened, Candidate Donald Trump announced that he had “inside” evidence that two/thirds of the Hispanic candidates had illegally sneaked into Africa “hoping that a Kenyan residency would qualify”  them to run for the Presidency of the United States.

In contrast, former Speaker of the House Newt Gringrich welcomed the flood of new candidates –saying that in today’s self participating vote-centered market world, it was inevitable that Democracy would spread and infect every American’s sense of self importance.

Gringrich, told reporters:

“The concept of the Macro-geo-sprawl President is obsolete. That is, with today’s technology, every American can be President of his or her own nano-district. This way each citizen will raise taxes only when he or she personally needs a government service. Frankly, I have been my own nano-President for over two decades and I only pay taxes when I want to subsidize my personal agro-food-digestive complex.”

President Obama said he welcomed the challenge of running against 180 million candidates but admitted that Joe Biden was running against him for President.

The President then promised, that if elected, he would abolish the Office of the Vice President and introduce a government program to help Mr. Eagelton fill out his medical prescriptions.

Meanwhile, Mr. Eagelton, claimed he was busy convincing Mr. Kucinich’s wife that he was better qualified to be President than both her husband, and Calvin Coolidrige.

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