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China Announces Plan to Replace People with Robots

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Leaders expect no change in China’s Tai-Chi performances

February 28, 2013

Top government officials from the People’s Republic of China have announced plans to replace the Chinese people with robots.  Claiming that it is becoming increasingly difficult to improve the productivity of the Chinese worker and citing a need for political stability, Communist leaders promised that by the year 2036–the country’ population will be “100% robotic”.

Party leaders said that the transition to robots will apply to the government labor force, as well as to members of the ruling Communist party.  Party members and “favorite mistresses” will be the last to go robotic. Over the transition period, human ministers will oversee and plug-in a growing robot bureaucracy. In final week of transition, party leaders will scramble over the great wall and move into a cluster of Mongolian yurts. There, China’s former leaders are expected to drink alcoholic beverages and create human waste.

Meanwhile, favorite mistress will be re-classified as surplus livestock and will be relocated to duck sheds where they will be supplied with a daily ration of Brazilian soap operas.

The Chinese Government has already begun the transition. Beginning next month, China’s family policy which limits couples to only one child will be replaced by a policy which allows each married couple to have approximately zero children.

For compensation, couples will be given tablet computers with a full menu of more than two hundred avatars.

Then, in September, at start of the next school year, live-in mother in-laws will be replaced by intelligent washing machines.

On Jan 1, 2013, factory number A-236, located outside Guanzhou city, in Guadong province, will begin producing factory robots. Each factory robot will have two arms, a rolling tongue, and a repair tool-kit located inside their inner stomach. To prevent Chinese manufacturing jobs from being outsourced to cheaper countries, factory robots will be manufactured without legs.

On Jan 1, 2014, factory no B-243 located in Qingdao city, in Shandong province, will begin producing farm robots.

Farm robots will have two human-like hands, a 360-degree bending back, and will be equipped with software capable of generating over 600 complaints about agriculture prices, bad weather, and ducks that refuse to waddle in a straight line.

Robots will perform farm and factory work 24 hours a day. Each robot will be given a one week vacation each year, where they can unplug themselves and enjoy having their favorite parts stacked inside a storage closet.

While robots will be equipped to speak 300 human and 6 bird-song languages, they are expected to use prime numbers to communicate among themselves. Chu Lu Ping, China’s Minister of Progress explained to reporters:

“Math is the efficient language of business. Prime number communication will prevent inefficient hidden meanings from reducing the productivity of daily conversations.”

The Progress minister added:

“Service robots, which I forgot to mention, will be allowed to speak Mandarin Chinese. “

Upon questioning, the Progress minister said service robots will sing and give massages.

Upon further questioning, the Progress minister admitted that there will no people in China to receive a massage from service robots.

Upon even more questioning, Mr. Ping changed the subject by boasting that China’s service robots will be the world’s most efficient singers.

China’s Minister of Trade and Surplus stated that an added advantage of replacing people with robots is that consumption of food items, cosmetics, clothing, and wasteful massages would fall to zero.

“This will allow China will be able to export every item of production.”

Computer bloggers pointed out that converting China into a robot nation will improve the country’s miserable break-dancing performances. However, bloggers insisted Chinese gymnastics and tai-chi performances will be indistinguishable from the performances of China’s athletes today.

China’s Minister of Happiness said that a key advantage of the new system would be that if robots start acting political feisty, they could be reprogrammed or unplugged.

When bloggers pointed out that there would be no humans to pull the plugs, the Happiness minister said that emergency back-up plans call for China to be invaded by an army of drunken former ministers, and Mongolians, equipped with socket wrenches and plans for introducing a new generation of human waste into the Chinese economy.

Upon questioning, the minister also admitted that there were backup invasion plans for rescuing favorite mistresses.  The Happiness minister said a mistress rescue operation would begin if soap operas, singing robots, and ducks that cannot waddle correctly prove to be no replacement for:

“acting inefficient with favorite party members”.

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