Candidates Demand Americans Return to Using Roman Numerals

By admin

Anti-Muslim Rhetoric May Have Gone a Bit Too Far

March 29, 2012

I. A growing number of political candidates, and an uncountable number of their supporters, have demanded that the United States return to using Roman Numerals for all business and budget transactions.

Warning that U.S. citizens must be on alert for suspicious looking jihadist symbols, Roman Number politicians said it was time to ban the use of Arabic numbers on the North American continent.

II. Pasco county Florida, School board candidate Hoff-Langley, summed up the Roman number view:

“First, Arabic numbers infiltrate our budget system. Next, Arabic letters take over our alphabet. Then, before you know it a Sharia-law posse will ride up to your house in the middle of the night and, demand that you wrap a tent around your wife.”

III. Educators across the country quickly pointed out that modern finance and science would collapse without the use of Arab numbers and the Arabic system of algebra. Roman Number candidates responded by blaming the “global warming conspiracy” on jihadists.


“The jihadists invented Algebra so that the American alphabet, the alphabet our founding fathers used to write the American Constitution, be mixed in with Arab numbers.  And the jihadists knew that algebra would lead scientists to practice international polynomial-ism. Now those scientists are pushing the global warming fraud on an innocent ice skating American public. Everyone knows that when people think it is getting hotter —they go out and buy a scarf to protect their daughter’s head.”

IV. Incumbent politicians of both parties asked candidates to tone down the rhetoric least someone send them a budget report littered with X marks and V symbols. Incumbent politicians admitted that they were terrified that if Roman number candidates had their way, the capital letter I; might become completely detached from their own personal ego.

Mississippi Congressman Thaddeius Maxigrandon the third:

“Suppose I sent a letter to my constituents which might be read as:

‘One pushed through earmark money for the new Tupelo High school. One am glad one did.   One hopes you remember to vote for me.’

The Mississippi Congressman added:

“On the other hand if we adopt Roman Numerals, every time I count votes, I get to start with my own true self”.

V. Math professors jumped into the fray and said that, if the country adopted Roman numerals,  they could not perform the simple task of dividing 4 digit numbers. The professors also noted most of their freshman students could not perform such division operations using any number system.

VI. To show goodwill towards all Americans, the Saudi—Arabian ambassador volunteered to take a class in roman numerals; adding that it might help him understand Washington’s power point presentations.

VII. Several Roman Number Candidates called a press conference to claim that they had proof that, in the past, the Arab figure 8 had driven America’s women to purchase overly tight girdles and, in the present, had created thousands of motor cross accidents.

The candidates also claimed that only in their wildest dreams, did jihadists think Americans would place the Arabic symbols 6 and 9 together; causing Americans to destroy their own birth rate.

VIII. History professors jumped into the fray to remind reporters that Europe had abandoned the use of roman numerals hundreds of years before America became a nation and that, without arab-based math, it would have been impossible for Columbus to sail across the Atlantic Ocean.

Roman Number Candidates responded by flashing the victory sign for five.

IX. Anthropologists jumped into the fray to remind reporters that scientists in Israel use Arab numbers as well as algebra, to design aircraft, irrigation systems, and advanced medical devices.

Roman Number Candidates responded by flashing two victory signs for ten

X.President Obama jumped into the fray to remind reporters that it was both Arabs and Jews working together that first developed Algebra, and that this accomplishment should be celebrated for both its content and promise for maintaining positive human relations, worldwide.

Roman Number Candidates responded by flashing a single middle finger for “one negative human relationship”.

Reporters across the United States continued to hop, skip, and jump around— as well as up and down —the fray, by gleefully pointing that school board candidate Hoff—Langley had flunked his high school algebra class:

Hoff-Langely responded: “You mean sticking exponent numbers up over American letters is Arabic algebra? And all these years, those marks just had been Greek democracy to me.”

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