May 9, 2009

Americans Cry Uncle Before Getting Their Shots

The center for disease control (CDC) in Atlanta recently reported that the number of cases of Swine Flu Panic (SFP) in the United Stated has surpassed the four thousand mark and has led to 362 deaths, 168 car crashes, 42 lost or ruined cell phones, and one instance of a woman attacking a pig with her umbrella. Most of the deaths are a result of heart attacks by people panicked over the swine flu epidemic but car crashes, and indirect “expirations” such as people who cannot live without their cell phone have contributed to the rising number of fatalities.  Doctors, epidemiologists, and homeland security officials said they expect the number of swine flu panic (SFP) deaths to rise throughout the summer months and into the fall as news of swine flu epidemic continues to spread through the nation’s information networks. 

Said Dr. Thomas Rolvaith of Atlanta CDC: 

“We are trying to slow down the speed and spread of dangerous medical news.  We asked CNN to remove the swine flu story from their breaking news slot and let the Discovery channel handle it. Everyone knows of at least one CNN news story that broke so many repeated times that the story ended on the History channel before they took it off the air.  So there is a good precedent for this.”

Doctors say that people who believe they have contracted Swine Flu Panic or SFP should stay home, avoid newspapers, cell phones, and turn off CNN news and talk radio. Doctors recommend that SFP victims practice breathing deep and thinking seriously about setting to their worst fears to slow music. Meditating with yoga tapes and reading novels where the main characters travel by horse are also recommended. 

Said Dr. Rolvaith:

“Ideally, a typical SFP victim would hum a few old Frank Sinatra songs in a rural French dialect while sitting comfortably in full view of a Monet painting smothered in a healthy layer of painted fog.  In reality SFP victims should just use common sense to control their panic, mood, and heart rate.  For example, don’t go into a museum and stare into a Van Gogh painting of a pig farm if you got Rap music going on your I-pod.”

Medical officials at across the country are reminding the public that those who have come down with Swine Flu Panic (SFP) have a responsibility to keep the disease from spreading. Victims have been advised to avoid the use of e-mails, cell phones, and to abstain from talking to anyone about pigs, flu, or mammalian forms of sneezing.

Stated Dr. Peyton Farier of Washington D.C. based Medical Research Service:

“We ask all SFP victims to avoid discussing swine flu, bird flu, or the price of pork bellies on the futures market with anyone.  If they do so, the urgency in their voice might spread Swine Flu Panic to their loved ones, friends, or CNN reporters who could be lurking about the phone lines.”

Medical officials note that a less virulent strain of Swine Flu Panic (SWP) may have already spread throughout the public domain. While not life threatening, the “Class B SPF” strain appears to have weakened the economy. For example, Alabama Governor Bob Riley turned down federal “pork barrel” spending for his State and minced his words with the following statement:

“Made-in-Washington D.C. pork money projects make me bacon grease nauseous anyhow.  We have a mob of newly elected “stimulus” politicians that want us to spend hard pork cash from the broken Fed-piggy bank to put even more Democrat swine intoelected office. Half the Republicans in this State are already throwing up from it.  And then they add flu pig shot money onto the ham handed Government projects from last year. I guarantee you it is gonna make the whole State of Alabama looking as sick as the mud in a hog pen.”

Alabama Senator Shelby concurred:

“The Governor is right.  We don’t need pork flu Government pork.  If the Federal Government would just give religious charities a tax break, they can set up a pork abstinence program and educate people about avoiding Government pork money.”   

Other behavioral changes across the country indicate that many American may be experiencing the early stages of Swine Flu Panic.  Religious authorities report that some congregation members, believing that they can protect themselves from swine flu, have converted to Islam or Judaism. Retailers report that sales of hand washing soap are up 210% and that Lysol disinfectant has been stripped from the shelves by frightened consumers, many, who, according to retailers, refuse to answer a ringing cell phone until it is soaked in disinfectant.  And numerous drivers are reported to have deliberately rammed moving vehicles into stationary fixed objects in response to a rumor, which is making the rounds in certain social circles and among used car dealers, that the robust force of an air bag explosion can boost the performance of the human immune system.

However it has been entertainers who have witnessed the strangest demonstrations of SFP. As he was hitting the final notes of the song “A Mountain of an Appalachian Woman“ on his final mandolin song, at recent Baltimore concert, Orrin Starch, was greeted by an enthusiastic round of foot stomping from the audience with shouts for encore. When Orrin rolled his mandolin gently through the slow meandering tune: “The Flowering Adolescent Streams of Appalachia”, a melody devoid of any rhythm or beat, the audience foot stomping continued.  It was not until after the concert that Orrin and other performers realized that the audience was afraid to clap their hands.

Dr. Rolvaith of Atlanta’s CDC explained:

“Performers, everywhere have found since Swine Flu Panic began spreading across the nation, none one dares let their right hand, which might be infected, touch their left hand.  First we saw Japanese style bows replacing the common American hand shake. Now we have foot stomping audiences.  Frankly, we don’t what is next. We do know that CNN has been breaking a story this past month about some college student having a heart attack while doing a rap song about Van Gogh’s painting “Starry Pig-Out Night”.  We don’t know if Swine Flu Panic had anything to do with it or not.  But in case it does, Americans should turn off their radio if they hear any of that pulsating Van Gogh Stary Pig Out Night music.”

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 9th, 2009 at 1:37 pm and is filed under Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.