State Fault Lines Fracture the National Alphabet

July 17, 2009

The California budget crisis has walloped a State already beset by earthquakes, suburban wildfires, rolling mudslides, and deteriorating tan lines. Now in a potential fatal punch to the California lifestyle, terminator turned Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that the California State Government has run out of IOU’s to pay state salaries, services, and creditors who, in the past weeks, have converted their budget operations to vowel based software.

Stated the harried-hair-brushed looking Governor from his temporary Volkswagen Van office: 

“The State politicians refuse to raise an IOU tax which would have allowed California’s citizens to fill out UOI forms to the California Government which we could have turned upside down and mailed to State employees and creditors. Instead, those hard working California firefighters and policemen, rather than building up their UIO bank accounts with State IOU’s, are now left stranded, abandoned by the only Government they can proposition, in a:

 o-no, IO-IO-I-NO-U-NO-IO-U-TOO     no funny money limbo.”

State budget comptroller Harold Greensad explained from his Government foldout table in a parking lot next to the Governor’s Volks-Voffice-Vagon:

“We were getting our finances wrestled into place but Voter Proposition 498 went off and hit us like a Hollywood shot-gun blast by banning the State Government from printing IOU’s by fiat. The Governor took the hit and charged back with his plan to back each State issued IOU with three hard cracked alphabetic consonants.

However a group of economists, at Davis, claimed that with a possible five consonants for every vowel, the consonant-backed IOU plan would be inflationary. “

Explained Davis Economist Callout Cartiner:

“Here, in California we already have too many I’s, Me’s and U’s chasing after too few goods. That last thing this State needs is more California owe’s chasing after other California owes. We have enough inflationary pressures in this State. On top of that we have all the pressure coming from a large number of out of state, owe-me-too’s. “

Political analysts claim the source of California’s budget crisis stems from a rapidly growing State population with changing needs and a political system that is finely structured to create the perfect stalemate.

Democrat state Congressman Ron Warmate explained the situation from his surfboard at Malibu beach :

“The Republicans are just crazy. They see a despondent man about to leap off the Golden Gate Bridge and, to save him, they order the rescue squad to cut his taxes.”

Republican State Congressman Nor Stalewar explained the situation from his off-road all terrain vehicle in the Santa Monica mountains:

“The Democrats are just crazy. They see a despondent man about to leap off the Golden Gate Bridge and to save him they order the rescue squad to give the man mouth to mouth bilingual education.”

Sacramento resident Laster Bounrut blamed California’s geography: 

“I think, approximatingly, the problem lies on the ground, like under us, in the kabuki-fettucine shaped political districts.  Like drawing map lines while drinking red comic-Kool Aid was blasted good fun 30 years ago when everyone thought they were, like, finding a California home for their Milky, like, Way Galaxy friends.  But, in the end, it just fried all these political incumbents to the surface of their districts.  I’m sure 20 years after they are dead we will be stuck electing the same politicians to their own land-shape. Like, who in California is going to take a Congressman’s district away from him just because he’s a bit dead? ”

A harried-hair-brushed looking Governor Schwarzenegger added a new warning from his temporary Volkswagen Van home and office: 

“We have just been informed that voters who are upset over proposition 498 are now launching proposition 501 which, if passed, would ban governor-to-terminator, and back, transformations.  Such restrictions would impair my ability to control state spending and my fan mail. I encourage voters to reject this proposal or face a:  I-o-a-zu—future

—-4-I-8-a-z-b-ra-stripe-2.”

Explained comptroller Greensad: “We are just days from having thousands of State residents scavenging for food in dumpsters, canyons, or wherever there might be a living animal without his or her rights-support group.  If budget based hunger develops, California’s weight-loss clinics could be threatened with a statewide calorie meltdown and lose their own political weight. It would lead to a devastating loss of tax revenue. And the absence of weight loss clinics would force hundreds of California’s highest earning actors to migrate out of State or be left stranded, abandoned by the only State they can proposition, in a

 o-no, I-gro-gro-gro I-NO-U-NO-I–8-2-gr0-4-a, c-6-e moo-v sho  

 no funny contract limbo.”

Sacramento resident Laster Bounrut blamed California itself for the IOU crisis:

“I mean this State is totally twisted. Like everybody knows, if you don’t want to pay taxes you just climb up on a rail on the Golden Gate Bridge and take a few deep yoga breaths.  Like, it’s a better deal than claiming the smoke-garden in your closet as a farm tax deduction. But, you know, this hombre friend of mine climbed up and got in only two yoga breaths, before some weirdo from the rescue squad rushed up and gave him a San Francisco smooch while attempting to spit a Mexican greeting down his throat.”  

Davis Economist Callout Cartiner blamed the politicians for the stalemate and offered a long term solution:

“Here in California the incentives are structured towards divorce first, weight loss second, and compromise last. The  only solution is to put Republicans on one side of the San Andreas fault and Democrats on the other and just let nature gradually pull each party into the own world they are already living in.”

Laster Bounrut almost agreed:

“That, GreenSad, is, like, almost a trained coward sitting there at his Government card table speaking to the people of California in these: IO, UO, we all O, spineless vowels all the time. Like people intuit, it’s because he believes consonants inflate the rhetoric. So what happens instead?  A swarm of serial propositioners goes and puts 501 on the ballot because they know if the Governor can’t transform back to his old movie self he can’t terminate any State programs. So, like, then the 501 people can, like, terminate the Governor, and just transform whole cracking State to terminated status.

But that could be cool too. I mean, what proposition is there in the entire Milky, like, Way Galaxy, that can take California away from the politicians just because the State is a little bit dead?.”

Tags: Politics

This entry was posted on Friday, July 17th, 2009 at 7:36 pm and is filed under Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.