July 26, 2009

“After twenty one days of rigorous self inspection and personal review I have concluded I am not qualified to be a member of the highest, or even the lowest, court in this country. Reflecting upon the Senate commentary and questioning in the Sotomayor hearing, I have come to realize that my personal experience has, at times, influenced my perception of court cases which I have voted on.

I want to thank certain members of Congress for allowing me to appreciate the strength of my personal bias and providing me the chance to protect the citizens of the United States and the U.S. Constitution from any experience I may have had.”

Reporters flocked to Justice Robert’s driveway and demanded he provide an example of how personal experience had influenced his professional judgment. Standing alongside his Dodge SUV, Roberts soberly answered:

“Four weeks ago, I drank a large cup of Starbucks coffee before coming into court. This, I determined, stimulated my mind to the extent that I was able to see clearly, a nuance in the Mickey vs. Moses case. I, thereafter folded the logic of the nuance into a neat, triangular argument, and laid it inside the larger octagon shaped logic of the Mickey-Moses case. I realize now, that had I not drank that cup of coffee, I would have blindly stumbled over the nuance, trampled it afoot, and buried it so deep into the geometry of the law, that no Supreme Judge would have been able to excavate that petite nuance from its trampled spot. Thus, the Mickey-Moses three-side precedent would not have been fused into the over-arching nine-sided, or Nonagon, structure of U.S Constitutional law. “

When asked by reporters on what his future plans might be, Justice Roberts answered:

“Of course my realization of having a possible Starbucks Grande bias only came to me after drinking a second cup of coffee which, in turn, stimulated my interest into evaluating how the first cup of coffee may have influenced my decisions. Had I not had that second cup of coffee I may not have chosen to think about how the first cup of coffee influenced my court decision.  I am currently trying to determine if having a third cup of coffee would offset the second cup bias or allow me to better judge whether there, indeed, had been a first cup bias. But, of course, a third cup might enhance any bias, if it truly exists, induced by the second cup of coffee.”

Reporters then asked Justice Roberts that if he was not letting the personal experience of listening to the Sotomayor hearings on the radio, indirectly influence his future Supreme Court decisions. Justice Roberts answered:

I cannot objectively answer that question because the experience of having heard that question, may bias my answer to it.”

President Obama congratulated Justice Roberts for his five years of Government service and for finding a means to prevent his experience, as an Indiana Republican, from biasing U.S. Constitutional law.  The President immediately listed the top five candidates the White House team had assembled to fill Justice Roberts’s vacancy, each, of whom the President stated, would diversify the Court.  President Obama slowly read the list to reporters assembled outside a Starbucks café four blocks from the White House:

1)    Circuit court Judge Beech Wammer from Newark Back-Court District of New Jersey, a 51 yr veteran of the court system.

2)    Wally-John Pritchard the Third, a tree surgeon from Haines City, South Carolina.

3)    Circuit court Judge Nave Vivid of the Hollywood Court District, California.

4)    The Hewlett Packard 876 Z series Computer—installed with Carnegie Mellon’s, Judge-Mate software

5)    Carlos Angel-Primavera, a.ka. “Numchuck Charlie,” an 18 year plus “4 to go” veteran of the New York state prison system.

The President defended his choices with the following statement:

“This team represents some of the finest minds, and/or hands, in the country. Each candidate has the potential to bring a fresh perspective to U.S. Constutional law and broaden the view of the court away from the telescopic, and at times, microscopic, and other times, nano-scopic, and sometimes, blind view, common to White Male, Ivy league educated, Law School Graduates who have limited experience outside rooms where whispering is the standard form of communication.”

Reporters immediately asked the President which candidate would bring the most empathy to the court. The President answered with a carefully prepared statement:

“To maintain credibility, justice must be blind. Therefore I have added a computer to our list of candidates, which, to maintain impartiality had been randomly chosen and sent to the White House by another computer. We hope to use a third computer to pick which one of these excellent top choices should be the next Supreme Court Judge.”

Reporters: “But wouldn’t the computer be partial to picking the Hewlett Packard series Z computer to be the top candidate?”

Obama: “If it did, it would show us that computers were not impartial and therefore eliminate the series Z computer candidate.”

Reporter: “But then you, rather than the computer, would be deciding the next nominee and perhaps, letting your empathy for, Judge Beech Wammer, and his 51 year wait, cloud your judgment as to who is the best candidate for the Supreme Court.”

Obama “Any cloud fifty one years old would have rained down a long time ago. Sorry folks, Justice Roberts is inside Starbucks, waiting for me with a Grande Latte, a blindfold, and a Seeing Eye dog. He’s got some questions and a coffee game I promised to play with him, in exchange, for his agreeing to be my new ambassador to the Starbucks Corporation.”

Tags: Politics

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 25th, 2009 at 6:51 am and is filed under Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.