August 9, 2009

Markets Intervene in a Noisy Greasy way

Fear, internal combustion, and stalled out panic hit the auto repair industry as Government backed predators dumped clunker auto mobiles and rusted parts, into the ruthless worn out clutches of the clunker set-aside program. Auto mechanics across the country voiced anxious concern that the disappearing supply of clunkers and auto clutter will to force thousands of their coworkers into a series of grease starved work tasks such as:

–repairing cars with computer mouse clicks,

– washing windshields with rainforest collected, environmentally nice water,  

and, even,

returning to,

– smiling and pumping Texaco gasoline by hand.  

Anxious mechanics, could be heard hollering and cursing over rumors that, within a year, new gasoline varieties will become so environmentally pure that pump attendants will be forced to shower before work and be ordered to wear pump gloves to protect “the new eco-fuel” from “human-employed” contaminants. Mechanics are reported to have grabbed customers from State vehicle inspection lines and pleaded with them for State subsidies to create a clunker car part and oil drum reserve, that would sprawl about the backside of garages across the country.  A clunker sprawl reserve, mechanics, insist would insure a critical random supply of grit and grease, which, mechanics claim, is key to their ability to fit, slide, improvise, slither, and figure through a twelve hour work day.

Jake Gruss Mucracken phoned into the ”Mad Mood Traffic” morning talk radio show from Bob’s Auto in Dully-Dale City, North Carolina with the following statement:

“Its bad enough the Go-verment sat tobacco land, aside, so farmers got paid for staring out the window to watch a spread of set-down land lie bared naked still under the sun for a whole year of repeating days. Now they, in Washing Town, want to set-aside the working man’s pride, rattle, and transport.  The way I reckon, if there’s a thing, anywhere, that smokes up the air a bit, the Go-vernment’s eventually gonna find it and set it down to a low smolder. I can’t say what I’d do with a day if they aint’ no clunkers to patch up and pitch cuss at. But if I come home after a twelve hour day looking a-clean as them computer-made auto parts do, the Misses is gonna think I spent my day, settin my-self aside, with some Linda Lu on her bedroom couch.”

Economists were quick to point out that the supply of clunker autos may not fall and could, in fact, increase. Dr. Lypsuds MePadin of the One Theory, Two Hands, and No Data, Institute in Arlington Virginia, explained to callers:

“High clunker premiums provide auto owners with an incentive to transform smart healthy cars to dilapidated clunkers so they can sell off stripped auto parts and convert the leftover hulk into a tight wad of common clunker cash. The cumulative effect of this behavior will be to increase the national supply of clunkers, common vehicle clutter, and clanking car components.”

And Economist Deply Sapmund of the Other Hand, Other Data, and But No Other Theory, Institute in Gaithersburg, Maryland raised the volume in the clunker debate with the following phoned in statement:

“Some data, that just came in the door, told us that consumers are paying for beer with clunkers. It looks like markets know clunkers can be exchanged for cash, and are happy with either cash or clunkers. That is, consumers need not cash in but can stay clunkered out of the market.  Anyone that does so gets to ride around town in their own cash car and enjoy getting mad at talk radio, while the market runs on ahead and looks out for some cool refrigerators or shoes to buy.”

Jake Gruss Mucracken of Bob’s Auto in Dully-Dale City, hung onto the phone and answered back:

“I sounds like the Washing-Town mouth-offs have been set aside from real work so long that they think people are gonna let a bunch of clunker markets do the talking.  No talking market buzz ever told me how to balance a tire or checkbook.  And how is the “supply” clunkers “ is gonna show up at our garage, if the Go-vernment dumps every sold auto clunker into a trash pit, as soon as they strip the tax numbers off the license plate”?

Republican Congressman Jake John Prichard of South Carolina called in and agreed with both the mechanics and economists at the same time: “I don’t know one Democrat that knows how to price and allocate a clunker automobile better than a market with a mechanic in the middle. “

Democrat Thompson Bob of Michigan called in with a response: “The markets had their say for eight years of Republican Rule and all they brought us are bankruptcy, car foreclosures, and roads clogged with clanking clunker congestion.”

The Market suddenly lurched awake and hit back at the Democrat charge over Blomberg Boxes and talk radio stations across the country. 

The Markert: “Hey, Thompson Bob. Your car is worth three cents and your mouth less than two cents. Now go allocate your thoughts to some bathroom wall.”

Jake Gruss Mucracken of Bob’s Auto in Dully-Dale City, quickly seized the opportunity: “O.K. Bomberger Box, how do you balance a tire?”

Bloomberg Boxes: “And we forbid used cars to enter the city of Dully-Dale North Carolina,  least they be priced with greased dumpster barrels”

Republican Congressman Jake John Prichard:

“We have heard the voice of the Markets calling upon us from on high. Glory dollar-la-hu-yah.”

The Market: “Who is the hollering idiot whose body and brain worth assets are worth less than a penny on the dollar?”

Dr. Lypsuds Me-Padin: “Oh my God, no one ever thought you could speak plain American English. Can you give me this rare chance to ask—do you use supply and demand graphs, or equations, to determine prices?“

The Market: “What another idiot?. Your entire publication record is worth less than one greasy half-repaired brake pad.”

Jake Gruss Mucracken: “Hey, Mr.  Market, then am I worth anything?

The Market: “Linda Lu thinks so. But your wife is having her doubts.”

Radio host: “Market, Sir, where is the U.S. economy headed over the next decade?”

The Market: “How am I supposed to know? Go ask a Republican. Hey you guys leave me alone. I gotta go and figure out a price for all these garages and weld shops that are opening up at the corner of every trash dump in the country.”

Tags: Economy

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 8th, 2009 at 12:33 pm and is filed under Main Posts, Top Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.