August 30, 2009

Patient-Doctors Play Touch Tag Football in Private Offices

As the intensity of America’s Health Policy Debate rises, a critically important group of participants in the Health system find themselves shut out of the debate, unable to score call-in radio talking points, and incapable of producing, even, a feeble protest against the energized and robust debaters. Hollywood writer James, Ames, James asserted that his diabetic condition worsened after thinking “not even once”, about Health Care Policy and posted an explanation to readers on his “Born free, Porn free, Only the Wind Blows” website (www.wblow.no.org):

“The debate has gotten so heated, no one who is sick or in need medical care has the energy or strength to participate in it. Last week’s radio broadcast of a town hall meeting in Reston Virginia drove my sugar level so high, that, afterward, every time I approached a men’s room, a swarm of honey-bees attacked the urinals.“

Doctors corroborated Mr. James’ stance, by telling media outlets, that only people with proper voice training, athletic heat-beat rates, and, the endurance of a distant runner possess the capability to withstand the verbal pounding and emotional heat of a town hall health policy “meeting”.  Doctor Peter Nugyens, a diabetic heart specialist in Long Beach California, issued a public warning:

“We recommend that heart patients leave the health debate to the professional anger generators and managers.  Medical patients should avoid town hall meetings, call in radio debates, and office conversations about health policy. Those with frail hearts, who become exposed to the health debates, risk launching aggressive attacks to their heart chambers; those with diabetes risk of elevating their sweet and sour blood levels; and those with mood disorders risk elevating their sweet, sour, and alternative planet feelings. And, critically, anyone with an infectious disease that attends a health debate, and disagrees with a trained professional squabbler, is at risk of becoming the object of a lawsuit by an agressive organization whose members have the ability to sweat, break into a fever, and generate flu symptoms upon command.”

Medical specialist’s also claim that those making the loudest and most forceful arguments about health policy also are doomed to know the least about what they are talking about.  James Ames James, the Hollywood writer, expounded this view at the very bottom of the last page of his (www.wblow.no.org) website:

“Let’s face it if you are energetically debating health reform, it means you are not sick, have not been sick, nor are about to become sick. At least, not physically sick.”

James Ames James e-mailed his surplus opinion on health policy, which, he claimed, has built up beyond his computer’s storage capacity, to the website of the nonprofit charity group: “Writers Without Work” (www.www.dis.org):

“In Southern California, we are enveloped by a cloud of anger over the right to preserve the private Doctor-patient relationship. Being diabetic I have been exposed to a good number of Doctor-patient relationships. So I cannot understand why every talk radio talker, shout T.V. shouter, and whispering newspaper writer is so anxious to preserve a relationship where the patient:

Waits forty minutes in a magazine room full of coughing people and crying babies,

then,

gets scale weighed before having his or her upper arm wrapped and balloon pressed by a two hundred pound “plus” medical “assistant”,

then,

is left to sit alone in a room for twenty minutes contemplating metal objects that look like instruments of torture while staring at a wall diagram full of stretched muscle chords, weird shaped cavities , and horror movie popped eyeballs,

then,

stands up, shakes hands with a Doctor’s plastic glove, gets told to sit down, mumbles back and forth for two minutes,

then,

gets touch-football tapped every which way for a minute and forty-five seconds,

then,

gets set down for twenty more minutes of lonely diagram room wall waiting,

so the Doctor can come back, yell for thirty seconds, apologize, hand out four slips of unreadable paper, shake hands, flash open his or her silly white sheet coat,

and,

say goodbye for the next six months.

If this is a relationship that some person believes is absolutely vital to preserve, I would hate to meet that person’s spouse or parents.”

Website commentators and other writers without work, familiar with the past writing of Mr. James, demanded that he send in pictures to prove his point.

James Ames James responded by posting, on the “Writers Without Work” website, a Wall Sized panorama drawing, of a red, white, and blue human liver fending off an mob of encircling hepatitis viruses that had been tagged with Spanish surnames.

Website commenter’s and other writers without work demanded to know what touch football team Mr. James had played for, and asked if touch-football Quarter back salaries were higher or lower than those of the NFL.

Mr.  James answered:

“That’s another thing“

Commentators and other writers without work then accused Mr. James of withholding the critical “other thing” which has prevented health care reform from being passed by the U.S. Congress.

Mr. James: “Ending up on the receiving end of the doctor-touch tag relationship.  At least pornographic stars get paid for each four minute relationship they have every year. That’s the other thing.”

Commentators and writers without work asked James Ames James what his point was.

James Ames James: “That’s the point. Most of the health policy debate is beside the point.”

Commentators: “Which point?”

James Ames James: “Health policy reform points.”

Commentators: “But now you say we are besides many points. Where was the one point, that you first said, we were besides.”

James Ames: “You are besides it right now as we speak.”

Commentators: “But we were not speaking. You were. And you were writing when you wrote your were speaking.”

James Ames: “I have no energy for this. You win”

Commentators: “You let us win all the points. What kind of lousy touch football team did you play for? Are you sick or something?”

Doctor Peter Nugyens, a heart specialist in Long Beach California posted his own warning on the Writers Without Work website:

“Readers should be aware that writer James Ames James has a diabetic medical condition that causes him to feel as if honeybees are attacking his vitalities when he visits the urinal.”

Commentators: “This is good. We have a shortage of bees. What’s the point?”

Doctor Peter Nugyens:

“This condition distorts Mr. James’s sense of time, touch, and media buzz. Thus, Mr. James is not an accurate commentator on the flaws of the American medical system and media buzz about any subject.”

Commentators: “What do you know about any writer without work? You are a Doctor who scribbles prescriptions, with such poor plots lines that no publishing agent would touch them.”

Doctor Peter Nugyens:

“I know Mr. James all too well. For the past fifteen years, he has been my patient. That is, for fifteen years, I have seen Mr. James Ames James, the Hollywood writer, twice a year, for upward to four minutes, each time he visits my medical office.”

Tags: Politics

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 29th, 2009 at 10:00 am and is filed under Main Posts, Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.