Ex-Pre-President Proposes Atomic Money

Finance Ministers, Central Bank Presidents, and Royal Chief Treasurers, from forty one countries and twenty eight Hedge funds gathered outside Stone Hedge England, this past week, to thrash out an international financial reform package. Foremost on the agenda was a plan to replace the American dollar as the world’s leading reserve currency and replace it with a market-basket of cheap proposals, which would, over time, be converted into a swindle free mix of currencies, coins, ”paper”, metal, trinkets, feathers, and human half-trust. The new mixed-money metric would replace the dollar as the “preferred” international transaction currency and would serve as the new “safe haven” currency which investors could use to protect their wealth from inflation, home country mismanagement, and the explosive shopping binge of a frustrated spouse. 

U.S. citizens, representing banking, finance, manufacturing, the PV-8 group of Ex-Presidents, Ex-Vice Presidents, and Ex-Vice Pre-Presidents, as well as representatives of the Northern California group “astrologers for alien transported space rocks”, attended the Stone Hedge meetings.  However, the United States officially had no “official” representation at the “official” component of the meetings. According to White House sources and Biden-seepage, President Obama, Secretary Geithner, Fed Chief Bernanke “unofficially” attended by, using brow furrowing makeup and crystal spheres, to masquerade as economists and astrologers for the Stone Hedge and Capricorn Investment Fund.

Two weeks prior to the Stone Hedge meetings President Obama, ordered his staff to ask three hundred University economists to comment on the plan to create a new international reserve currency as an alternative to the dollar.  According to Biden-seepage, the White House staff found that, of the five hundred and ninety nine opinions offered by the group of surveyed economists, (one economist reported a lost hand from an earlier auto accident), three hundred and six hands voted to switch to a new reserve currency and “free the dollar” from its “safe haven burdens”, two hundred and fifty one hands voted to keep the dollar as the world’s reserve currency, and forty one hands and one foot voted to reserve the dollar for ”financial emergencies” such as: “an explosive shopping binge by a frustrated spouse from a country with entrance and exit ramps to Wall Street.”

Led by the French Finance Minister, Monsieur Salay-Du-Saloon, the Stone Hedge group quickly voted to establish a new “dollar liberated” international reserve currency. Unanimity then broke down as the French demanded that the “liberated” currency’s value be linked to the world’s stock of Chateau Red wines.  After eighteen hours of international squabbling, intrigue, and wine tasting, former President Jimmy Carter intervened and got all parties to agree, that whatever the choice, all new currency bills would remain free of any image of politicians, historical figures, and one dollar eyed pyramids. Instead futuristic symbols representing each of the world’s twenty-four time zones would be printed on one side of the new currency bills, while the flip side would portray an international squad of bi-valve clams filtering the world’s major ocean currents.

Subsequent proposals to call the new currency “the clam” was tabled after former President Clinton intervened and convinced participants that an upward rising clam market might be perceived as a signal for the world’s politicians to: “mum up and stay shut.”

Former French Finance Minister, Calay Malure, then introduced a plan to, instead, to employ living snails as the world’s reserve currency. Using himself as his own simultaneous interpreter the former French Finance Minister, told the audience simultaneously, in French and English:

“In a world where the speed of markets transactions imbues artificial value to speed itself, the French Ministry of Currency and Coinage Research propositions to introduce to the world at large  waa—lauah:

the snail,

- to decelerate the world of finance-so banquers, entrepreneurs, and exchangers, can down slow the mark-et  and ex-change, and, once again, enjoy the true value of life: relishing lingering meals of wine and cheese, savoring copious hours of drifting contemplation, and sneaking in petite wedges of nibbling time with members of the mostly opposite genders.”

The Former French Minister’s comment, and subsequent debate over converting international dollars to snails, led to a litany of complaints about the growing dominance of digital accounting and electronic trading. After six hours of squabbling and I-phoning, former Vice President Al Gore intervened and argued that delegates must accept the new reality that transmitting money in digital pulses, was on earth to stay, “provided human kind does not move itself to a cooler and safer planet”.

The former Vice President, then, recommended that atomic “electrons” be employed as the world’s currency for conducting international trade. And he suggested that atomic protons be used as the world’s safe haven store of value. Mr. Gore then said he thought that those neutrons which bear a strong resemblance to members of the Gore family might best serve as a currency for charity organizations and church groups.

Al Gore’s proposal for an international atomic currency set the conference ablaze with excitement and was even embraced, and kissed, by the French Finance and former Finance ministers as well as the California group “astrologers for alien transported space rocks”, who, after embracing Al Gore, dropped their proposal that Hedge Stone’s with high concentrations of iridium and shocked quartz crystals be adopted as the world’s international store of value.  

However, conference participants from England warned that the mass of the electron was 9.10389X10 ^ (-23) of a gram and questioned the wisdom of linking the world’s commerce to currency which was too small to see. Advocates and Gore embracers replied that, in the current digital age, traders hardly see or touch paper money anyway and, often, cannot distinguish an eagle winged, one pyramid eyed, solid George Washington dollar bill from blue and orange colored monopoly money.

Conference participants from England warned that since there are 10^ (79) number of electrons in the universe, that the Gore plan would be “a bit” inflationary. Advocates and Gore embracers replied that only the electrons that were IMF “stamped”, World Bank approved, and stripped from their parent nucleus would serve as “currency”.

Conference participants from England warned that no one would be able to see IMF stamp marks on any electron and that any trader who owns a car battery could generate millions of pounds worth of counterfeit currency. Advocates and Gore embracers replied that the IMF voltage regulators would count and validate electron money, as well as, discipline errant bond traders.

Conference participants from England warned that the crazy laws of quantum physics, with tunneling electrons, particles moving backwards in time, virtual particles popping in and out existence, and quantum leaps would introduce chaos into the financial system. Advocates and Gore embraces replied that such characteristics already describe World Financial Markets and that the rules from quantum physics were better than the current trading system which had no laws, logic, or rules at all.

Conference participants from England warned that atomic money could create financial radiation hazards for traders. Advocates and Gore embracers replied that widespread trading in toxic assets has already created such hazards and that liability cancer rates among mortgage backed security traders were twenty two percent higher than of the public at large.

Conference participants from the group “astrologers for alien transported space rocks” warned, with background chanting and humming, that the proton stash of a wealthy investor could grow so large in value that if divided up, among heirs, it could set off a nuclear blast. Advocates and Gore embracers suggested hedge rocks with iridium and shock quartz crystals be used as a store of value.    

Former President George W.  Bush intervened and said he felt the conversation and new money proposals had gotten: “a bit too small for my Texas taste”.

Former George Bush senior intervened, and said “lead my rips, no new currency taxes.”

An astrologer-economist, with a heavily plowed brow line and who claimed to represent the Stone Hedge and Capricorn Fund, intervened and convinced delegates to adopt Obama’s health care plan.

After, a wedge of time a disheveled former French Finance Minister, Calay Malure, returned to the discussion, holding a sphere encased in California scented perfume, and told delegates that nearby Hedge Stone patterns, dictated that Hedge rocks, with iridium and shock quartz crystals, be used as the transaction currency for trades with space based life forms.