China Fights Tire Tariffs by Scratching Out Trade in Chicken Feet

September 30, 2008

A series of economic shocks hit financial markets upside, sideways, and under, just as the G-20 finance summit, in Pittsburgh, began to wind up and unwind down. The shocks, their interaction, and their interaction with the Pittsburgh finance meetings sent markets into a tail spin, sent economists into a headspin, and sent consumers and bankers, once again, into a spiral of stomach spinning and churning.

The shocks, six in all, twelve in half, and twenty four in quarters, hit in rapid succession and with surprising speed.

First, Thursday morning September 24th, at 9:05 A.M., finance ministers from two European, and three Asian countries announced, from a bus stop in Akron Ohio, that they were unable to find Pittsburgh.

Second, at 9:18 A.M., a group of New York City lawyers and Columbia University archeologists working in a basement storage room below Wall Street, uncovered, live before CNN cameras, a “treasure trove” of hidden consumer credit card fees; estimated to be worth billions of dollars.

Third, at 9:47 A.M. East Coast Time, and 9:47 P.M. Bejing time, the U.S-China trade war which had begun with U.S. imposed auto tire-tariffs and China’s import ban of American chicken-feet, escalated as China announced it would dump its entire  stock of imported American chicken feet onto pharmaceutical product markets around the world.

Fourth, at 9:49, the Geek, a Carnegie Melon newspaper written in computer assembly language, came on line, and announced that life insurance backed security brokers on Wall Street, had created distinct market “tranches” for the human respiratory system, the human digestive system, the human circulatory system, and the sub-human debt repayment system.

Fifth, at 9:58 U.S. Treasury officials announced they had uncovered a hidden system of “bonuses executive bonuses” which rewarded Wall Street and Back Road Executives with “expert” bonuses, for demonstrating enough acumen and networking ability, to receive an initial bonus.

Sixth, at 12:03 P.M. country markets around the world discovered, to their amazement, that trade and finance markets run more efficiently when finance ministers, treasury officials, and economists remain locked away within the hills and hollows of an out of way American former steel making town.

By 3:15 P.M. Thursday the cumulative impact of the shocks sent financial markers chopping and spinning like a table tennis ball in a Chinese street tournament. The G-20 gathering of finance officials moved to alleviate the problem by faxing Pennsylvania road maps to every bus stop, car rental, and tire outlet in Akron Ohio. The Chinese Government interpreted the fax as a strategic offensive move in the tire dump-chicken feet trade war, and quickly retaliated by, putting Chinese tire factories and poultry farms on a war and chicken footing.

At 2.A.M., past midnight, Friday morning, the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Pentagon announced that they were moving to “put into place” missile defense shields around four hundred and two “critically important” U.S. chicken farms to protect the feet of millions of “the top chickens” in America. At 7 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, lawyers representing the group “consumers without tires”, appeared on the Today show, and announced that a sample of the newly discovered credit card fees would be put on display at Columbia University’s museum of “Artifacts, Money, and Easy College Credit.”

At 11 A.M, Friday, September 25th, the Chinese Government announced that it was shipping a million Chinese manufactured tires to the U.S. Pacific territory of Guam, and would purchase a billion dollars worth of respiratory backed securities, effectively holding hostage the next, ongoing, and last breath of two million Americans with security backed life insurance plans.

At 2 P.M. Executives representing four Wall street financial firms announced that a “treasure trove” of “perfectly hidden” credit card fees had been discovered “missing”, and perhaps “stolen”, from their storage basements. Executives also announced that bonuses would be awarded to thirty six Wall Street Executives for taking part in the “treasure trove credit card” announcement.

At 3:01 the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Nutrition Service Agency, published a revised food pyramid chart, which, when displayed in color, showed a tub of roasted American chicken feet supporting the base of the food pyramid.

A 4:40 Eastern time, the Government of China announced it was recalling its finance minister from duty at the Wheeler and King Street bus stop in Akron Ohio.

At 6:15 the Geek, announced that the Carnegie Mellon news and web paper had begun, without human assistance, to assemble its own sentence structures, and perhaps had taken the key leap from inert newspaper and webpage to living organism.

As events battered markets to and fro, finance officials and economists from 20 different G-countries nibbled and quibbled among the hills and hollows of Pennsylvania’s second city. Hoping to revive the economic theories of Lord Keynes, economists debated the benefit of publicizing the Keynesian proclamation: “in the long we are all dead” sixty three years after Lord Keynes had died. Over a seven-course dinner which included buttered smoked Salmon, roasted almond le chateau, and chocolate glazed chicken du foot, finance officials, from thirty eight countries, discussed the wonder and beauty of money.

At 8 P.M. an angry man, in Modesto, California called Modesto Emergency Hospital to claim his Tylenol tablets tasted like sesame-stir fried chicken feet.

A 9:15 New York city Police arrested four Bank executives who were caught robbing “credit card fees” from the Columbia Museum of “Artifacts, Money, and Easy College Credit”. Student guards, at the museum, corroborated police accounts by telling a New York times reporter that they had been attacked by bank executives welding portfolio “tranches” extracted from Wall Street backed securities.

At 9:30 P.M. a group of finance ministers, at an Akron Ohio bus stop, received faxes that contained maps with roads to Pittsburgh, and instructions for removing Chinese tires from American buses.

In Pittsburgh, finance officials and economists, attending the G-20 meetings, suspended their discussion of the history and meaning of money, for an evening of light jazz music, family introductions, a lecture on the future of steel and revenue fabrication, and a few family rounds of pin the bonus dollar on the donkey.

At 11:37 P.M. Eastern Standard time, 10:37 rising sun time, the Tokyo’s Nikkei Index disappeared from the face of the earth, only to emerge one minute and forty nine seconds later, badly scratched, on a chicken foot farm, in Hokkaido Japan.

Monday, morning 8:30 A.M., Eastern Standard time, the finance minister of New Zealand, presented a brilliantly written plan for a new world financial order, only to admit, under direct questioning from the audience, that he was not the true finance minister, but instead was a sixth generation life form which had rapidly evolved, from the Carnegie Mellon newspaper, the Geek.

Monday evening, at the closing of the Pittsburgh G-20 summit, an accord was signed by sixty G-whiz finance officials representing twenty countries, which declared that the beauty of money lay in the bank account of the beholder.

Finance Ministers, representing, six key G-countries, signed a second accord which ordered all Trade Warring nations to make up and work together to develop a “rotational auto tire” made from grounded American chicken feet.

As the U.S. Department of Defense ordered missile shields to be removed from chicken farms and be leased out to Executives with an unpopular bonus records, market prices nibbled and quibbled among the hills and hollows of the world stock exchanges. Lawyers announced that any newly discovered treasure trove of hidden credit card fees would be donated to education charities and used to pay tuition fees for needy college students across the country; once appropriate hidden legal fees were accounted for and deducted.

On Monday evening, September 28th, Finance ministers from two European and two Asian countries were picked up from an Akron bus stop, and asked to serve as advance men for next G-20 summit meeting, which finance ministers agreed would be held in 2012, in an abandoned tire factory, in Akron Ohio.

At 12 P.M. Monday night, the Geek lifted off from its Carnegie Mellon University base, in Pittsburgh, and was last viewed attempting to escape the Keynesian long run by heading for the dead outer void of empty space.

Tags: Economy

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