What if this was the last thing you read on this earth?
May 8, 2012
History lovers often take their inner brains on– what if—trips. Ask any history buff, professor or amateur, –what if the Chinese had discovered America? The history person will withdraw from all conversation and sit motionless; and behind walled-off glazed eyes, appear to… »
Anti-Muslim Rhetoric May Have Gone a Bit Too Far
March 29, 2012
I. A growing number of political candidates, and an uncountable number of their supporters, have demanded that the United States return to using Roman Numerals for all business and budget transactions.
Warning that U.S. citizens must be on alert for suspicious looking jihadist symbols, Roman Number… »
Leaders expect no change in China’s Tai-Chi performances
February 28, 2013
Top government officials from the People’s Republic of China have announced plans to replace the Chinese people with robots. Claiming that it is becoming increasingly difficult to improve the productivity of the Chinese worker and citing a need for political stability, Communist leaders promised that by… »
A personal story about the time doctors insisted that I “just say yes”
January 30, 2012
Yes, I have been captured by a group of insulin-producing human aliens, who have forced me to join their cult, by injecting their… »
Ducking the Budget Issues Again
A group of Republican Senators from the Finance and Ways and Means committee recently took three days of recess in order to evaluate the White House stimulus package, the housing package, and the bank bailout… »
(March 30,2009/ (June 29, 2009 update below)
Appeals Court Clears Deck: Levels New Charge Against Former Businessman
The American Businessman “Benie” Madoff, who recently pleaded guilty to an 11-count criminal complaint that he defrauded investors of billions of dollars over a twenty… »
Multiplying Threats to American Security
April 6, 2009
Recently obtained internal documents from the Department of State’s Intelligence Service have indicated that various “terrorist” camps throughout Eastern Afghanistan and North Pakistan, and well as “emerging” camps in Somali and Indonesia has expanded… »
Budget Chops Push Tennis Stars into an Orange Spin-Nips-Spin
April 15, 2009
The recent world-banking crisis has made clear that sports, like other any business activity, can be battered by an unpredictable economy. Recent financial loses by sport team owners and stock… »
Noisy Spring Could Turn into Silent Summer
April 25, 2009-(Note: Article Won 1rst place in Humor and Life Writing Contest)
In a turn of events which Biologists claim is unprecedented in Nature, this spring millions of birds, representing hundreds of species, after… »
May 16, 2009
–Not what Cheney meant
Recently released cable communication reports between the office of the Vice President and Asian Pacific office of the CIA reveal that in the years 2004 and 2005, there was major split between the Bush White… »
Supply and/or Demand Ordered to Make Up
May 24, 2009
Speaking before a college age audience, at the University of Michigan, President Obama introduced his new plan to make the U.S. economy simpler, easier to use, and less hostage to the specialists… »
The Cuban Medical System Gets Stuck Making Fidels
May 27, 2009
The city of Miami and surrounding counties have spun into a frenzy of Hurricane level four panic by rumors of Castro sightings on beach after beach, boat after boat, and raft… »
May, 2 2009
;!;
Internet Clean Up Dangles Writer’s Participals
Expressing frustration with the deterioration in the country’s reading skills and the growing trade in internet smut; a Chicago Judge ordered that all “Adult Content” websites convert each and every displayed photograph, video,… »
The Spam Lobby Plays its E-Hand
June 14, 2009
In a drama fraught with despair, tension, and political intrigue the U.S. Congress ordered doctors and service providers to keep a terminally ill eighty three year old New Jersey man hooked up to… »
Poor Attention Payments May Increase Future Rates of Interest
June 20, 2009-(Note Article place in Semi-finals in Humor Press Writing Contest)
A team of Pentagon budget planners, economists, and psychologists recently analyzed forty years worth of personal finance data from twenty-four U.S…. »
Finger Staples Fingered as a Sex Symbol
July 12, 2009
A Military commission investigating the military’s sixteen year old don’t-ask don’t-tell policy has told military officials they cannot determine whether the policy is working or not. Said one investigator:
“Frankly it has been… »
August 2, 2009
Outbreak Stimulated by Exposure to Health Care Debate
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta issued a warning that a new strain of health reform resistant doctors has been discovered in six different hospitals and seven clinics in and… »
August 15, 2009-(Note: Article Won first place in Humor and Life Writing Contest)
Scientist Encounter A ChAoTic (!) Whirl-Wind (!) of No Comments ((@)) !
For decades, Scientists suspected that the origin of Atlantic hurricanes lay concealed under the dry dusty air… »
August 22, 2009
Congress Interrogates a CIA Drone
As news of CIA drone attacks, Taliban deaths, and military conflict in South Waziristan has escalated over the past several months, members of Congress have repeatedly demanded that the CIA reveal where South… »
September 7, 2009
A String of Unbroken Promises Wears Out Voters
As the Fall season slowly drifts in and awakens the outdoor air, voter’s excitement and approval of their New President has begun to cool. This changing mood has taken place as… »
Oct, 2 2009
Russia Claims to be More Shocked Than “Burton School” America
Yesterday at 1:30 PM an eighth grade student from Burton, Michigan shocked the world and his school teacher by announcing that he had discovered a second “duplicate” Iran hidden… »
(Note first place winner in humor press national contest**)
Dec. 12, 2009
Unregulated Animals Graze Urban Lawn Hedges and Sniff City Exhaust
As the economy continues to wander aimlessly across the GNP landscape, Americans have begun to express their anger over the uncontrolled… »
Why remain listless in this exciting media year
Dec 31, 2009
In the past several years, newspapers, websites, and advertising companies have become obsessed with numbered lists of facts, opinions, “top” locations, and, of course, barely countable scandals. It seems, as if, the… »
Russsia Asserting its Power again in a Multi-Polar world
January 16, 2010
In an ominous development reminiscent of the cold war, last week Russia was discovered to be amassing millions of cubic feet of frigid Siberian air, along the border of Kazakhstan,… »
The Three Party Dispute Rocks Back and Forth with the Tides
February 5th 2010
In response to President Obama’s plan to eliminate NASA’s project to put a “Man on the moon” by 2021, the Republican Party announced that party functionaries were… »
Politicians, Bankers, Media, and Now, the Public Held in Low Regard
February 20. 2010
Political analysts across the nation expressed alarm that a recent Neilsen poll has revealed that 69% of Americans do not trust American public opinion. Analysts also expressed concern… »
Mysterious Tax Caller Creates One Party Panic
Feb 28, 2010
Republicans attending a Party conference in Washington D.C. were forced to evacuate Washington D.C.’s Marriot Monument Marble Hotel after a mysterious group phoned police and threatened to announce a tax increase inside the… »
Small Square Plastic Piece Comes Under New Scrutiny
March 7, 2010
Small Square Plastic Piece Comes Under New Scrutiny
The Toyota Motor Company continues to recover from the false charge that Toyota cars spontaneously accelerate; taking passengers on surprise motor trips to unexpected locations… »
First Step: Troops must Find Their Way Out of the Green Zone
March 20, 2010
As the Obama Administration begins to remove American Troops, and embedded pinup pictures, from Iraq, both the Iraq government and the Iraqi people have begun to voice… »
It Also Includes Rich People
March 27, 2010
Forbles magazine’s recent publication of this year’s list of the one hundred poorest individuals in the world includes African nomads and day laborers from Bangladesh. However, for the first time ever, this year,… »
A Nation at Risk
March 12, 2009
In a sign of America’s failing Education, Recreation, and Sound Systems, there is a growing consensus among nightspot audiences and performers alike, that the United States faces erosion of its critical Karaoke skills. Anecdotal evidence… »
The U.S. and Russian Governments Are Looking All Over the Mountains for the Missing Country
April 18, 2010
U.S. Government analysts report that the entire country of Kyrgyzstan has gone into hiding after last week’s street uprising overthrew the Government. Analysts and… »
“Keep Our Active Craters Out of the Hands of Terrorists”
The White House Calls for an International Conference to Deal with Ash Proliferation
April, 22, 2010
World leaders from six continents breathed a sigh of relief over the near miss which occurred this… »
Immigration Jumps Ahead of Energy Bill to the Front of the Legislative Line
May 1, 2010
Sponsors of the Senate’s 2010 Energy Bill accused their colleagues, and leader Harry Reid, of sneaking the Immigration Bill onto the 2010 Senate calendar without obtaining… »
Owners: Its Getting Too Hard to Find What’s Ringing
May 9, 2010
Like Aliens invading earth from the inside out, hand held cell phones continue to march towards world domination by swallowing up applications from other domains and devices. Having pushed cameras… »
No problems too many too handle
May 16, 2010
As the Greek financial system implodes, oil gushes into the Gulf of Mexico, finance reform entangles itself in Congress, new energy policies burst out in six directions, homes foreclose, stocks gyrate wildly, and… »
It’s a Good Time to Change One’s Past
June 1, 2010
The defeat of Arlen Specter in Pennsylvania’s Democratic Primary, the Victory of Tea Party Candidate Rand Paul in Kentucky, and the news that 70% of Washington Representatives have never used an ATM… »
National Guardsmen have trouble finding the border in the first place.
June 7 ,2009
In a desperate move to control illegal immigration, the U.S. immigration service is planning to hide the U.S.-Mexican border. Initial plans are to bury the border under sand… »
A Salt Engine Fix Before the Hurricanes Attack
June 12, 2010
Frustrated by the Government’s inability to prevent leaks under conditions of intense pressure, the President admitted that oil cleanup information will continue to spill out of the White House and tar… »
The School of Soft Rings Hits the World of Hard Knocks
June 19, 20101
For over a hundred years, Preparatory Schools across the Northeastern Region of the United States have prepared students for the rigors of college and the business world, by… »
A growing ethanol subsidy addiction not far behind.
June 27, 2010
Recent statements by politicians, and news commentators, regarding the American addiction to oil are driving thousand of U.S. citizens to seek help at “Gasoline Anonymous” shelters throughout the country. Shelter owners… »
The Americans Rush In Where Afghans Fear to Tread
July 11, 2009
For over a thousand years tribalism and warlord rivalry have prevented Afghanistan from functioning as a modern state with a strong government and central air conditioning. However, as Pashtu Chiefs,… »
New Currencies Backed By Assets More Valuable than Gold
July 25, 2010
Emilio Papalo Lupapa, a baker from the Greek city of Thessaloniki, recently stunned world financial markets when he declared that he was leaving the Euro-zone and adopting his own currency.
A… »
Across the Political Spectrum Politician Distrust in Voters is at an All Time High.
August 2, 2010
A recent Zugsby poll of elected officials serving in county, state, and national offices has revealed that that 72% of the nation’s politicians disapprove of… »
Fear that Sex Vacations Could Create U.S. Citizens
August 22, 20101
Senate Republications recently introduced a bill that would compel U.S. citizenship to begin at conception. The new bill, the Family Patriotic Planning Act, proposes to restrict U.S. citizenship to persons who have… »
Internet Spam Bombards Man’s Left Front Lobe
September 2, 2010
Sacramento police reported that at midnight on the 26th of August a worried sounding Sacramento Man called 911 to complain that spammers were attacking his website with malicious comments. The emergency operator… »
Work-Shop Math Used to Pound the Lesson Home
Sept 4, 2010
The Education Department has announced that it is recalling a half million high school graduates after officials discovered a defect in the nation’s educational system. According to unnamed sources, several parts of… »
The Democrats Offer The Republicans USDA
September 12, 2001
Voter anger pulsates and swells daily. Polls numbers rise up against the Democratic party; —– and breaks like a storm wave with each new bit of economic news. And the U.S. economy continues to… »
Guest Poetry Politics
From: Ellis Westron
The Rhyme of the Presidential Teleprompter
(copyright 2010 by Ellis Westron)
The presidential teleprompter
Is the prop behind the throne,
Providing words that our incumbent
Can’t assemble on his own.
Like an actor who’s forgotten
Crucial lines within a play,
Our leader’s lost without… »
Pastors go wild: threaten to burn derivative contracts also
September 18, 2010
To mark the two year anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, an angry New Jersey pastor threatened to burn each and every MBA book, derivative contract, and subprime mortgage… »
Paying Farmers Not to Grow Crops is Not Enough
September 26, 2010
In a desperate attempt to cure the expanding obesity epidemic, the Department of Agriculture has announced a plan to subsidize voluntary hunger. Modeled after the Department’s acreage set-aside program which… »
It’s Not Freeloading if You Hold Public Office
October 4, 2010
A Western Tennessee politician has stunned the political establishment by declaring that, if elected, he will not serve.
Raymond Jason Hancock, running on his own Vacant Party ticket, has captured the imagination… »
Little Men Holding Green Cards Aided the Abductors
October 10. 2010
For eighty years, the people of Alabama and Mississippi have beguiled newspaper readers with UFO-kidnapping stories. Adding spicy zest to grocery store checkout counters, the UFO-kidnapping stories have led scientists and… »
American Public Says It’s OK if Borrowing Countries Default And Can’t Pay Back the Loan
From Banana News (www.bananaws.com)
October, 15 2010
According to several source with names,the Office of Management and Budget is working with the Foreign Aid establishment to come… »
An Upcoming Future USA?— (The United Stans of Asia)
October 23, 2010
The break-up of the Soviet Union left half of the world’s Stans abandoned, huddled alone in the middle-southwest corner of Asia. Mention any Stan to any Westerner, and eyes glaze… »
Mistakes were made somewhere between March 1, 2009, and Jan 01, 1848.
November 1, 2010
Responding to voter anger, politicians across the United States promised to undo the mistakes of the “current” political establishment and return the country to an era dominated… »
In the new race, the more flops per second, the better
November 7, 2010
The Great Power Space-Race of the late twentieth century, with its orbiting dogs, titan rockets, blast-off rhetoric, and Idelogical conflict has been superseded by the new race to… »
You Can Exercise Your Brain by Sticking Out a Foreign Tongue
November 14, 2010
Prepare your “brain”; for the challenges of aging.
The message is everywhere; in magazine ads, on the radio, on the internet. It even shouts at you from the… »
The Tooth fairy’s are Buying Up all the U.S. Government Bonds
November 21, 2010
A recent six-city and two truck-stop opinion survey, reveals that six out of ten Americans don’t believe in the federal budget deficit. Film maker Pave Vivid summed up… »
But Congress Not Yet Convinced About the Existence of Scientists
November 28, 2010
Commentators across the United States congratulated a group of anti-scientists who yesterday, said that they had discovered the existence of matter.
The anti-science group, comprising a poet, an unemployed… »
Why can’t people just marry themselves
December 4, 2011
As same-sex marriage proposals proliferate across the country, a group of California singles demanded that single people should have the right to self-marry. Pave Vivid the film director explained:
“Why can’t I marry myself?… »
–Junior High Cafeteria Skills Help Defend Our Country.
Dec 11, 2011
As the press denounces, publishes, and earns money off Wiki-leak stories from around the globe, Americans have fixated on the Wiki-gossip.
Russian President Putin wears pullover Sweaters.
The Foreign Minister of Bulgaria… »
While pushing the deficit problem: A-side
December 19, 2010
Senate Republicans, President Obama, and politicians all over Washington are leaping with joy while they crow about out-maneuvering the “other side” by passing the Senate tax-cut package.
Senate Major Leader Mitch McConnell in his… »
Chinese Green Tea Doesn’t Count
December 26, 2010
A team of three Cornell University Economists has demonstrated that rising coffee consumption explains the recent growth in U.S. labor productivity. The study, which took eight years to complete, and another eight years to… »
A New Year Time Shock Awaits Millions of Internet Users
Jan 2, 2011
Jet-lag —the drowsy, surreal sensation that hits people who wake up, displaced, in the wrong time zone– is rapidly spreading across the globe.
That is, jet lag has jumped… »
Passengers carry on as if there is only tomorrow
Jan 18, 2011
It starts with the handicap/wheel-chair announcement. And it ends with a two old people sitting on their seat-belts, waiting for the aisles to clear.
“Boarding those with wheel-chairs.”
Like iron filings… »
Survival of Fittest Means We Won the Electron
February 7, 2009
Two weeks ago Congress repealed of the 2009 Health care act.
Now, a group newly elected group of Tea Party Congressmen have announced a plan to repeal the use of Antibiotics. Asserting… »
Sacrifice is not being evenly shared
March 2, 2011
An unemployed auto worker from Flint Michigan has told Flint radio station W-FLINT that he feels no pain. Since being laid off from GM-assembly line, the auto worker said he has experienced:
– anxiety,… »
Young Americans Not Keeping Up With the Competition.
March 14, 2011
The Baby boom generation continues to demonstrate that it has not lost its ability to kick up a protest and make its critics as mad as a fox in a newsroom…. »
Such Much Spending No One Person Knows What and Who Else is Hidden in the Budget.
March 29, 2012
For years, conservatives have complained that the U.S. Government Budget plan is so vast that no-one person knows what it truly contains…. »
Experts fear a 180 million-way tie.
April 25, 2011
The growing ranks of Presidential candidates has swollen to the point that every Adult American is running for President in 2012. An exhausted looking Head of the Federal Election Commission (FEC) told reporters:
“The… »
Ego too Big to Fit in Texas Sized Ten Gallon Hat.
May 21, 2011
Doctors at Houston’s L.B. Johnson Medical Center announced they had transplanted an intact ego of a former hedge fund manager and politician into the brain of a Mexican… »
Evidence reveals that Humans and Neanderthals went out on dates
May 30, 2011
For years scientists have debated whether humans and Neanderthals had mated. Scientists agree that Neanderthals, a primitive, thick boned cousin of modern humans who went extinct 30 thousand years… »
A lazy wind does not help
June 18, 2012
In the past six months, prices of oil, wheat, corn, and even barley-beer have exploded.
Farm news reports blame the weather.
As economic theory would predict, the upward surge in commodity prices, has… »
Wildlife May Be Forced to Live In a State of Nature
July 4, 2011
The recent state budget crisis has forced 9 state Governors to close 32 state parks and 24 wilderness areas. Across the country alarmed environmentalists are warning that if state… »
America’s Political Sector is Increasing Bi-Lingual
July 25, 2012
The United Nation (UN) employs over one hundred language translators –which, on any given day, convert UN floor discussion into 16 languages and sends the resulting message, or denunciation, into the earphones… »
Taking the budget hostage, denouncing comprise, is something, they already know how to do
August 15, 2012
In a rapid turnaround, Mideast regimes from Iran, to the Gulf States, to Syria, to North Africa say they are ready to embrace, American style… »
Market Volatility so Extreme Even Buckets Of Cash Do Not Seems Safe
September 2, 2011
As Europe’s debt crisis deepens, as commodity and stock prices gyrate, as the U.S. budget breakdown increases the risk of holding treasuries , the debate over where… »
Will the chicken in the market come home to roost?
October 25, 2011
In the last six months corn and soybean prices have skyrocketed, grains exports have exploded, and farm-land prices have steadily pushed upwards; towards the prized value of badly mowed… »
The Twilight of the Euro-Zone Increases the Value of Sterling
November 29, 2012
European finance ministers thought they had a deal. Billions of Euros in new loans from 41 German banks and one anonymous French mattress company would be extended to the… »
Subatomic Miracles Astound Scientists
Jan 8, 2012
For eighteen anxious months CERN super collider scientists have been racing ATOMS around a circular track at close to the speed of light in order to produce atomic smashups. Collisions burst open each atom… »
April 16, 2012
The heart-doctor put to me straight.
You have got to get serious about relaxing. Your heart cannot take more stress. I recommend you start right away.In short, the doctor had ordered me to, aggressively relax.
Thinking about the problem and… »