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American Public, Governments Officials Fed Up with Growing Rural Sprawl

By admin

(Note first place winner in humor press national contest**)

Dec. 12, 2009

Unregulated Animals Graze Urban Lawn Hedges and Sniff City Exhaust

As the economy continues to wander aimlessly across the GNP  landscape, Americans have begun to express their anger over the uncontrolled growth of rural sprawl into the pristine urban and concrete environments of the country. Invading rural clutter such as trees, deer droppings, crop pesticides, country music stations, USDA farm subsidies, and food, in particular have drawn the ire of urban residents who have pronounced themselves “fed up” with lack of government regulation of rural sprawl. 

A recent White-Green paper, jointly published by USDA’s Rural Research Service and the Urban Parking Lot Institute, provides vivid evidence that public rage over the dispersion of rural America into the urban and suburban environment is not misplaced or the result of  country music’s dominant role in shaping rush hour radio commentary and anger.

The interagency report provides numerous examples of rural sprawl’s influence on city life.  For example the report shows

– over sixty eight percent of “suburban homes owners” have spotted an outdoor fresh vegetable stand, with no laser scanner, background music, and/or Hollywood magazine, within two miles of their home.

– within the past year, fifty four percent of urban homeowners have witnessed a deer-like creature with antlers, and/or “maybe horns”, chewing on private lawn grass, privileged hedges, or a down and out public lot’s rural weeds.

–thirty six percent of urban homeowners claim that, at least once in the past year, they had been forced to slow their car “to a first gear crawl” to avoid beaming panic freezing headlights into a suburban herd of invading “horned mammals; which were, either buck deer, beef cattle, or longhorn cars from Texas.

Chicago Judge Harbarger was quoted by the report from his suburban home in Forest Park stating: “Every time an urban siren goes off in the neighborhood, before anyone can absorb the joy of a ear squealing urban shriek; some hound dog from the upper Wisconsin Peninsula starts howling out the hillybilly dog blues and ruins the proudest sound of the city.  When I was a city boy townhomes and apartments owned European Poodles, Scot Terriers, or city cats who absorbed the shrillest city siren scream without even raising a tail. But with the spreading rural sprawl of today, every half-hickle-body is bringing  howling hunting dogs right into the heart of the big city. And last summer a bunch of whacking country crickets ruined all the concerts in our city parks.”

The joint agency report primarily blamed the uncontrolled growth of rural sprawl on a lax county and state regulatory structure, USDA farm subsidies, and greedy wildlife, which devours shrubbery, reproduces, and “deposits” waste and diseases into what once was a perfect, concrete gray urban setting.”

Chapter three of the report, in particular, focused on the mammalian and reptilian underclass that has created what report dubbed “the lagging roving edge” of our nation’s rural sprawl:

“Whether it is alligators on Florida golf greens, coyotes in Colorado suburb’s, deer in Virginia driveways, or rabbits all over the place, invasive rural animals have shown no respect for the basic rules of city life. These urban invading animals, be they raccoon, squirrel, deer, rabbits, skunks, and in the urban south, snakes and possums, ignore highway safety and do not practice urban hygiene such as washing their paws after using the outdoor sniff-spot.  

It is of little wonder that many end up flattened across the middle of our most splendid urban highways.”

The report’s other chapters present reveal the extent to which rural sprawl has penetrated even the very center of American cities. For example, according to Chapter four of the report:

–elevated big wheel trucks make up fourteen percent of downtown urban traffic.

–city emergency rooms have been inundated with urban drivers who have fallen out of the driver’s seat of these elevated rural trucks and landed twelve to fourteen feet below onto the hard cement floor of urban parking garages.

– rescue squads in over thirty four central cities of the United States had to answer calls, and use expensive fire ladders, to retrieve hundreds of urban drivers from the heights of the  more recent “upscale” models of big wheel rural truck cabs.  

Chicago Judge Harbarger provided a Chicago Sun news reporter the most sprawling opinion on the entire matter, after the report’s release had set off a round of shrill commentary over the judges’ urban siren tastes:

“When my generation wanted to embrace rich soil, smell fresh manure, swallow a big sky, and blend birdsong into the background of every thought, we simply rode out to our grandparents place, drove the tractor round the pasture, and used an entire afternoon to help grandpa drive his truck four miles into town, and or put up hay in the barn.

Now young city dwellers visit their grandparents by taking a cell phone picture of themselves in a stratosphere cowboy hat, and e-mailing it to their grandparents on facebook page.”

In the wake of the report’s publication Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack announced that USDA’s Urban Research Service is evaluating options for reducing rural sprawl.  At a conventional for the National Coalition of Big City Mayors and Urban Dairy Farms, in a downtown Detroit cow pasture, the Agricultural Secretary provided the following suggestions for stopping rural sprawl in its dirt tracks:

a) -Build a moat, walls, and turrets around each U.S. city.

b) -Provide state agencies with funds to dig water holes away from human population centers where wildlife and irrigated farms can compete for scarce resources in a natural Darwinian setting.

c) –Locate vats of hot oil on top of city walls between each fifth turret.

d)–Spray natural smells on roadway signs which allow rabbits and deer to sniff-read traffic signals.

e) -Cluster farms around a central cow and farmer, or USDA subsidy.

f) –Restrict transmission of country music to “note of mouth performances”, and/or,—- the wind.

g) -Teach urban gangs how defend their turf against wild mammals and how to knife-fight deer, raccoon, and possums.

h) -Lower the ceiling of parking garages and reduce bridge height to block high wheeled rural trucks or pedestrians wearing stratosphere cowboy hats .

i) –Locate each USDA office within olfactory distance of fenced-in livestock pen.

j) -Provide farmers and other rural residents with maps that are missing any city with a population over ten thousand people or a Wallmart.

k) -Locate Wallmart’s within a 100 feet of every new built rural water hole and force them to compete with wild animals, and irrigated farms in item b’s Darwinian struggle for existence.

The Secretary of Agriculture’s comments were quickly incorporated into the lyrics of six country and western music top hits and broadcast on radio stations across the country.

After listening to the Nashville top forty, Judge Harbarger told reporters that he was satisfied with most of the USDA inspired lyrics but added country music could never match the pleasure of a urban siren going off in the middle of a drawn–out—stretch of a George Gershwin melody.  

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