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The Top 10 Most Read “Top 10” Lists of the Year

By admin

Why remain listless in this exciting media year

Dec 31, 2009

In the past several years, newspapers, websites, and advertising companies have become obsessed with numbered lists of facts, opinions, “top” locations, and, of course, barely countable scandals. It seems, as if, the media has concluded that if readers can not count it, the information doesn’t count.

“The ten best cities to live in”.

“The ten worst jobs in California.”

“The ten best ways to remember the numbers one through ten”.

“The ten best “keep secret” places that have never appeared on the cover of National Geographic magazine because, they don’t know about it. Yet.”

And so on, ten down to one. And sometimes one hundred to one. But never down to zero or below, where most of this numbered information belongs.

In the midst of all this rank action, to remain list-less, is to appear listless.

The proliferation of “ordered “information” and “ranked opinions” has created a need to “rank the rankers” to bring order and rank to the growing collection of lists, ranks, and ordered gossip that has spread kudzu-like across the title pages of internet sites and media outlets worldwide. Below is the first ever ranking of the rankers, ranked by order of the rank popularity of each list in the year 2009.

 The 10 top reading lists of 2009

List number 10. (Yahoots Noise): The 10 Best Cities To Be a Homeless Person

 —No 10 city: Washington D.C. /Reason: You can sleep on Fannie Mae’s doorstep.

 —No 1 city: San Francisco California/ Reason: You can be elected Mayor.

**********

List number 9. (Fax News Nutworks): 10 Reasons Why Obama Health Care Will Make you Sick

—No 10 reason: Obama is a Sucessfull Democratic

—No 5 reason: A House and Senate compromise will replace government death panels with “low value” life panels; sitting, outsourced, in countries where every third person is sick.

—No 1 reason: There will be a Republican outbreak of the  “filibuster” bacteria; a microbe which obstructs medial tests by chemically counting the DNA sequences of each blood sample and trying to match it with each person in the Washington D.C. phonebook.

********
List number 8: (Hollywood Hints): The 10 Least Watched Films of all Time

—No 10 Film: Richard Nixon’s Black Sock Collection: A Documentary of the Agony of Defeat.

—No 1 Film: The Joy of Algebra: a Celebration of the Triumph of Twenty-Six Latin Letters Over An Infinite Hoard of Arabic Numbers.

(With Subtitles of Helpful Homework Hints)

********

List 7: (Rolling Stint Magazine): The 10 “Worst Ways” that Paul Simon Cut Out from the “Leave Your Lover” Song.

—No 10 Way: Take a little Pill, Jill

—No 5 Way: Churn Out the Gas, Chas,

—No 2 Way: Use a Live Snake, Jake

—No 1 Way: Change from a Boy, Roy

********

List No 6: (Garage and Meter Times): The 10 Cities with the Worst Parking in America.

—No 10 City: Brooklyn, New York City/Reason: Stolen car radios, spray paint, –the walk–, and multi-currency parking meters with derivative links to Manhattan and Wall Street.

—No 5 City: Esterfield Iowa/ Reason: Ninety two percent of the time, the town Parking Space is filled up with the mayor’s car and/or his favorite tractor parts.

—No 2 City: Manhattan, New York City/ Reason: Roving gangs, with links to Brooklyn, are known to attack and deface parked cars, by, attaching New Jersey license plates to the rear and front bumpers. 

—No 1 City: San Francisco/Reason: The parking spaces are full of homeless people laying around and dreaming about becoming mayor.

********

List No 5: (Slack Web-Magazine): The 10 Most Underreported (UR) Stories in the Year 2009

—No 10 UR Story: Al Gore’s Flu: Global Warming or Just a Bad Fever?

—No 9 UR Story: Mayor Bloomberg’s fundraising speeches to himself. How the NYC mayoral candidate avoided kissing babies and catching swine flu.

—No 8 UR story: Canada

 —No 7 UR story: Al Qaeda takes credit for the Big Bang—suicide bomber 14 billion years ago, apparently, pulled, the push button.

—No 6 UR story: Manitoba

—No 5 UR Story: A Delaware Biology student blames filibustering bacteria for her late homework.  She sues Delaware State University for delaying graduation.

—No 4 UR Story: Aging demographics and assorted back problems leave millions of American pennies lying naked on the ground.

—No. 4b UR Story: Millons of pennies in Florida are still on the ground from last year.

—No 3 UR Story: Experts predict rumors of Castro’s death will outlive Castro.

—No 2 UR Story: 

——–the sixteen African wars no one outside Africa knows about

——–the four African wars Americans know about but can’t name the continent they are on

and

——–the eight wars that Nelson Mandela prevented by waving to the cameras in a South African version of a Hawaiian pineapple shirt

—No 1 UR Story: China takes over the world comedy business with English Language School: graduation speeches and monologues.

 *********

List No. 4: (Miami Hear and See Old Newspaper): The 10 Top Reasons Residents Provide for Leaving Florida

—Top R no 10: The low flying, cockroaches are rumored to have possible links to Yemen.

—Top R no 8: A relative died and ascended to the after Florida-life.

—Top R no 7: My sister read that world sea levels are predicted to rise a quarter inch in the next decade.

—Top R no 6: I am moving to a Homeless Parking Spot in San Francisco.

—Top R no 5: A relative died and descended to Everglade Peak Muck.

—Top R no 4: The ground is so covered in pennies, that I might slip and fall.

—Top R no 3: My husband finally found a map.

—Top R no 2: We followed the rumor of Castro’s death to Hugo Chavez’s house in Venezuela.

—Top R no 1: The Home Foreclosure Company came and took back all the nails and door locks.

**********

List 3: (Silk Web-Trap Sight): The 10 Worst Dressed People/Occasions of the year

—Top WDR No 10: Jake Blutoon of Esterfield, Iowa wore a light green parka in fifteen below weather while walking around counting the town parking space. He caught the flu and was eventually left permanently parked next to his ancestors. A black parka would have absorbed more sunlight and better “fit” the occasion.

—Top WDR No 8: Sheik Momar Abudullah Momar, of Dubia, accidently wore his son’s fourteen stake Boy Scout tent to a finance ministers meeting; which– -quickly set off a speculative bubble for aluminum tent poles; which— collapsed when there were no poles left to prop up the bubble canopy. Or the Sheiks head piece.

—Top Wdr No 5: Actress Fayor Dunsfield’s “academy award night” chess piece dress, queen crown, and pawned shoes, did not match her backgammon blouse.

—Top WDR No 2: The Nigerian underwear bomber.  Exploding underwear will not get the girls. Either prior to, at, and particularly, after, the explosion.

—Top WDR No 1: Planet Earth. The Atmospheric Cloak is in bad need of a trip to a laundry-mat.  Certain earth locations could use perfume upgrades.

**********

List 2: (U.S. Department of Labor): The Predicted 10 Fastest Growing Professions for the Next Two Hundred Years.

—Top FGP No 10: Forecast Revision Statisticians

——-Predicted growth rate 4.1764% per year, (for the moment)

—Top FGP No 8: Outdoor Laser Beam Repair Men

——Predicted growth rate: speed of light

Top FGP No 6: Computer Chips

——Predicted growth rate: 20% per year, (once computer chips receive their human classification permits)

—Top FGP No 4: Social Security Lobbyists

——Predicted growth rate: 75% of retirement rate

—Top FGP No 3: Indentured Deficit Servants

——Predicted growth rate: trillions per year

—Top FGP No 2: Banana News Reporter

——Predicted growth rate: 105% of retirement rate

—Top FGP No 1: San Francisco Mayors

——Predicted growth rate: one new Mayor every eight minutes

*********

And the Most Widely Read, (and admired) List of 2009

List 1: (Business Whacked Magazine): The 10 Stocks Least Likely to Fall (too-far) in the Next Decade

—Top Stock No 10: Bonds

——Predicted growth rate: none

—Top Stock No 8: CEO Bonus Accounting and Investment Services (Manages CEO Bonuses and offers Bonus investment advice)

——Predicted growth rate: Steady

—Top Stock No 6: Home Repo (Home Owner and Occupier Improvement Company: Upgrades the Occupants of Distressed Homes and Ads Renter Additions)

——Predicted growth rate: Steady

—Top Stock No 4: Volt Batteries (The company produces a component that will represent 92.5% of each new GM Car)

——Predicted growth rate: Should Jump-Start by October

—Top Stock No 2: Bleach, Buffet, and Bernanke (A company that sells Warren Buffet’s and Ben Bernanke’s laundry to investors who seek market clues from the cloth)

——Predicted growth rate: Erratic, depends on Market Shocks and B and B’s “gut reactions”.

—Top Stock No 1: Fanny Mae (Though never homeless the company is always allowed to sleep at the Government’s revolving door step.)

——Predicted growth rate: Erratic, depends on Market Shocks and B and B’s “gut reactions. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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