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Money Swift Madoff Accused of Stealing Social Security Design Manual

By admin

(March 30,2009/ (June 29, 2009  update below)

Appeals Court Clears Deck: Levels New Charge Against Former Businessman 

The American Businessman “Benie” Madoff, who recently pleaded guilty to an 11-count criminal complaint that he defrauded investors of billions of dollars over a twenty year period has been set free by an appeals court. In a highly controversial decision, all eleven charges against Mr. Madoff have been dropped by an appeals court judge and Mr. Madoff’s six million dollar New York Penthouse has been returned to him by the U.S. Government. However, the court ordered Mr. Madoff to appear in court in 2 months time to face prosecution on a new Government charge.

 

According to government lawyers there is evidence that in 1976, a week before Mr. Madoff launched his largest investment fund, Mr. Madoff tricked Government guards into letting him into the Office of Management and Budget in Washington D.C., and when the secretary staff went on a lunch break, Mr. Madoff headed towards a Xerox machine with a document he had lifted off a bookshelf, and, quickly copied the operations manual for the Goverment’s Social Security system.

Mr. Madoff has denied this charge and stated that even if it were true that neither he, nor anyone with his background, had the ability to read such a manual.

Mr. Madoff’s lawyer was quoted as saying his client had told him:

“The Social Security Operations manual is like any other government document.”

He added:

“It makes sense only to people who have ten years of Federal Government experience or to people who complain when a document has a chart with less than six footnotes. However I am sure it would read well to someone who can speak “acronym” in five languages.”

Government Lawyers responded with the following comment:

“In admitting he could not read the Social Security operations manual it is clear that Mr. Madoff, at one time, had the manual in his possession and did indeed read it, or some copy of it.”

Mr. Madoff’s lawyer responded. “The Government has no case. If a person does not have the ability to read a Social Security operations manual then that person cannot be accused of having read it.”

When met with silence, Mr. Madoff’s lawyer added:

“If my client were blind you could not accuse him of lurking in suburban hedges and peeping into Tom’s bedroom.”

Government Lawyers responded by saying that Mr. Madoff’s case would not hold up in court since there is ample evidence that Braille readers are available at Federal Government offices and could be used to read stolen documents. In a sign of the Government’s increasing hard line stance on the manual theft charge, prosecutors added a second count that Mr. Madoff, after xeroxing the Social Security operations manual fingered it in a manner “inappropriate” for adults, “blind or not blind”.

Claiming that the Government lawyers had misread the intent of his statement Mr. Madoff’s Lawyer repeated his original argument to reporters in front the New York building where Mr. Madoff 6 million dollar penthouse is located and provided more detail:

“At the time of the reported crime, my client did not have the ability to use a hedge to take a position under the bedroom window of a house and market flip the household and its curtains. Nor did he have the ability to exploit inside information about the gold earrings pinned to the naked right ear of any peeped Tom’s wife. He could not, and 99.9% of the American people cannot, read the government’s Social Security operations manual even it were put right before their eyes; stolen or not stolen.”

Despite the arguments made by Mr. Madoff’s lawyer, Justice Department analysts and economists have stated that even if no hard evidence turns up proving that Mr. Madoff stole the Social Security operations manual, circumstantial evidence of theft will prove be strong enough to insure conviction. When asked by reporters what sort of circumstantial evidence the Justice Department analysts were referring to, a Justice Department spokesperson remained tight-lipped but appeared confident of that the Government case was good as closed.

Lawyers for a group representing the “victims” of Mr. Madoff’s various investment schemes, many who have lost their entire life savings, also filed a new charge. The group claims that Mr. Madoff not only had swindled their clients out of billions of dollars worth of hard earned cash, but also owed the members of their group 368 pairs of missing gold ear-rings. Lawyers for the “victims” group also accused the Government of witholding from them, and their clients, information about the growing mountain of “circumstantial evidence” of Social Security manual theft that was rumored to be piling up in various Government offices.

A Justice Department spokesperson responded by saying that prior to the court date the Government could notrelease any information, direct or circumstantial, concerning the charge regarding Mr. Madoff’s 1976 theft of the Social Security operations manual. However, he said the Government was willing to offer, by way of compromise, both to the lawyers and the members of the Madoff victim group, 368 pairs of discarded U.S. Government Braille readers.

Meanwhile, Mr. Madoff was back in his 4 million dollar New York penthouse, enjoying the views, and denying he knew anything about where the lost 2 millions dollars in penthouse value went to from the time of his prison release and his arrival at his penthouse front door.

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 29, 2009

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madoff Update

A New York Judge sentenced Bernard Madoff to one hundred and fifty years in prison for Social Security manual theft, running an chop shop for missing, stolen, and “invested” ear-rings, and for impersonating the blind by aggressively fingering Braille readers, and pretending to search for turn-knobs on bedroom windows as if: “he was standing up-right in front of a common living room door.”

The New City Judge, who asked to remain un-named for fear of reprisals from Government Social Security agents and their potentially lethal paperwork requirements, reduced the original one thousand five hundred year sentence to one tenth the original length. The Judge then noted that one hundred and fifty years was: “our best estimate of how long a stem-cell pyramid scheme can keep a human alive and not be noticed by the Government.” 

     Investors who claimed to have been swindled into believing that investment returns fifty per-cent above average market returns were the average, above average, that the average investor could expect to receive in an average market, sat in stunned silence as the New York Judge reduced the sentence by one thousand three hundred and fifty years. However the court-room erupted in howls and yelps of German Sheppard barking as investor-owners cleaned the tear-stains off their ever darkening glasses.

   Mr. Madoff’s made a somber curling statement before his exit from the public view and the hearing range of his investors:

      “I am deeply troubled by my misuse of the Government’s Social Security manual. I thought, I alone could save the old, sick, and retired by fixing the system through a single handed example. Unfortunately, as economists have warned, there was another hand, mine I admit, which had a different point of operation.

However, if poor handed coordination prevent’s us from using the Social Security system to improve life for the old, sick, and retired then we should look to other means. I am convinced, now, that investment in stem cell research is a way extend and improve the life of the retired.”

     Then raising his cuffed hands in the direction of the podium Bible Mr. Madoff made this final public stand:

    “I promise to use the next one hundred years of Government supported jail-cell investigation to find a way for each person, and sharp-eyed German Sheppard, in this courtroom to greet me, my wife, and my great grandchildren, with a hardy hug on my early release from our new Federal Cell Research Institute in one hundred and one years. To make this hope come true send your stem cells and DNA samples to my new biological address at research cell-two forty eight, building branch four, stem lock-up six, Federal investigation center, Dosbon Hill New York.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One Response to “Money Swift Madoff Accused of Stealing Social Security Design Manual”

  1. sam juseto

    When Madoff gets out of jail in 2159 he should be forced to go out and get a job and pay back every penny he stole–with interest.

    #99

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