Terrorist Camps Expand Training: Offer MBA Degrees

By admin

Multiplying Threats to American Security

April 6, 2009

Recently obtained internal documents from the Department of State’s Intelligence Service have indicated that various “terrorist” camps throughout Eastern Afghanistan and North Pakistan, and well as “emerging” camps in Somali and Indonesia has expanded the training offered to young jihadist recruits.

In training camps scattered among the rugged mountains and valleys of Afgan-Pakistan border, terrorists traditionally have recruited enthusiastic jihadists from around the world and taught them the art of bomb making, surveillance techniques, and how to clean and fire weapons such as rocket launched grenades. Several years ago Jihad camps began teaching recruits how to carry and handle the emerging class of “Bio-bombs” which, in a worst case scenario, could be used to infect a large Western city with deadly bacteria or viruses. Now, however, according to the State Intelligence Agency and British Intelligence sources, these very same Jihad camps have opened up MBA programs.

According to internal documents across various U.S. government agencies, the discovery that MBA, or Masters of Business Administration, programs are now offered by most terrorist training organizations has led to a deep rift among the various intelligence agencies.

According CIA one source: “The radical Jihad movement has lost its punch. Just like our young people in the 1970’s eventually got tired of being poor and gradually developed the skills to move them back into the mainstream, so are the young Muslim radicals.”

The State Intelligence service however views the matter differently. “Our sources tell us that two thirds of the MBA classes at EL-LADI camp in North West Pakistan have a focus on the class of financial instruments called “derivatives”: how to make them, how to trade them, how to sell them. We think these guys are up to something. We don’t know, but this is a MBA program that is thousands of feet up in the high mountain deserts, miles away from any ocean, and yet, despite  that, the program’s focus on financial derivatives smells fishy,” said a Department of State spokesperson.

The CIA disputed the State intelligence view, noting that technology which would allow intelligence agencies to “smell indirect” or even “direct” odors from a 140 thousand feet high satellite is not yet developed.

A CIA spokeperson all but snapped:

“As usual the State Intelligence interpretation stinks. The Jihadist are going straight. That’s all it is. And that’s the slam dunk end of talking about the MBA Jihad report.”

The State Department refused to answer the CIA taunt. Instead, they referred to a recent report from the highly secretive British Intelligence agency MIA which intercepted nine young British citizens of Pakistani descent at London’s Heathrow airport; young men who appeared to be returning to England after spending several months in Northern Pakistan.

Parents of the nine college aged men had reported their disappearance three months earlier from an immigrant neighborhood in Bristol England where the men had grown up and attended school. The nine young men were last seen traditional Pakistani mountain clothing and turbans, sported growing beards, and carrying copies of the Koran in both Arabic and Urdu (the language of Pakistan). After their “disappearance,” British intelligence had obtained evidence that the nine men had “vanished” to the notorious terrorist training camp “Ulali- mate” high in mountains along Afghan border.

At the airport, the seized men said they were only “coming home” to England. Worrying to intelligence officials was that the returning men had shaved their beards, were suspiciously dressed in a suits and ties, and each carried a brief case of financial reports from several of the worlds banks. British security agents also found in the young men’s possession notebooks full of complex financial equations, graphs, and containing alarming phrases such as “net profits”, “present value”, and “price earnings” ratios. Most alarming was a notebook full of examples of “derivative financial products”.

“We don’t have enough information to make an arrest but it appears that these young ‘British’ men have been to the camps. We will be watching each of these nine young ji-hooli-jads wherever they, their terror notebooks, and their fish smelling briefcases, go.”

The CIA stated they remained unconvinced by the British MIA report. Unconvinced themselves, reporters tracked down and found the head of the CIA anti terrorist unit, Ralph Lieterf working out next to his Mclean Virginia home, dunking balls into an eight foot high basket stuck to the wall of his garage. Taking a break from his workout, the CIA chief was quoted as saying:

“Sure we know Jihad training camps now offer MBA programs. We were onto that 18 months ago. But this hostile State Intelligence interpretation of those programs is proving to be a headache. We got to quit wasting our resources. There are reports, reports from just today, coming from our terrorist-chatter-network monitors, that the Jihad groups believe that have developed a brand new highly dangerous weapon of destruction, one that could bring down the West. They believe they have found something. We don’t yet know what it is. And until we do we have got to stay focused in finding what has got these Ji-had chatterboxes to talking up such a firestorm.”

The CIA Chief then added:

“ It is just like State Intelligence to get bogged down in trivia and miss the picture.”

The CIA anti-terrorist Chief then offered any reporter to contest him to a dunking match. When every reporter refused to take the challenge, the CIA Chief turned and screamed to the reporters who were present.

“And keep telling State to keep their mouths shut about the olfactory satellite system.”

When questioned by reporters, the head of State Department Intelligence answered:

“We have no idea what Mr. Lieterf is talking about”


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