Small Square Plastic Piece Comes Under New Scrutiny

March 7, 2010

Over the past week the Toyota Motor company continued to struggle against the unrelenting wave of consumer complaints that Toyota cars  had, at times, accelerated spontaneously; taking passengers on surprise motor trips to novel locations alongside the nation’s highways. Now this week, a legal claims board representing six million consumers and eighty thousand business owners stepped forward to allege that, over the past decade, when their clients were in the middle of executing important financial transactions, the entire U.S. economy lurched forward and, suddenly accelerated.

The claims board issued an e-statement on forty eight websites and one bumper sticker which charged former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan with causing millions of financial transactions to undergo an “unintended acceleration” towards bankruptcy.

The board also noted that the former Fed Chairman had neglected warnings that his own “intended acceleration” of the U.S. economy might have unintended consequences for the extended level of distended debt faced by American consumers and businessmen.

According to the claims board’s follow up i-statement, millions of the consumers and small businesses were slowly navigating through their way through the post dot.com, telecom, 9-11 bomb economy when, the U.S. growth rate, rapidly pitched forward;—sending small businesses and home finances into a pothole of inter-state arrears and concrete debt.  

The i-statement asserts that consumers and business efforts to regain control of their financial transmissions were overwhelmed by the ever quickening growth of the U.S. economy which, in midyear 2006, jumped into overdrive, flung money and credit about in twenty directions and, in the end, crashed the personal savings of millions of Americans head-on-into-failed-Wall-street-stocks; while———thousands of business enterprises——slowly——–slid into a side-ditch of bankruptcy.

Dr. Howard Wayne, who is representing the consumer side of the group, in their dispute with the Federal Reserve, told reporters for twenty newspapers and avatars representing over sixty websites:

“Repeatedly regulators, economists, and panhandlers, warned the Fed that if they kept holding interest rates to the floor, the economic acceleration blow up the bank transmission system. There was also concern that the Fed’s monetary policy would utterly overwhelm America’s most upstanding panhandlers with a flood of loose, financially debased, copper pennies.

When the issue was directly put to Greenspan his answer was unintelligible; even to the trained ears of specialists who are paid to detect meaning among the murmurs and mumbles of the English garbling world. “

Dr. Wayne added:

“Professional Fed translators, now say that the former Fed Chairman’s public statements, on this, and other issues were carefully constructed so that they could be quickly ploughed into a public fogbank, when needed.”

The former Federal Reserve’s defenders,—–Wall Street derivative traders and people who moved to Idaho and dropped “off the grid” before 2007 ,—-claim any unintended acceleration of the U.S. economy in post 9-11 era, was due to the reckless maneuvering of businesses and consumers; groups that failed to properly steer their finances across the rapidly expanding lanes of the global economy.

Greenspan defenders claim that it was not Federal Reserve Policy but instead “poorly designed wads of plastic credit” that lead to consumer and businesses transactions to accelerate, unintentionally, into potholes of personal debt at high economic speeds.

Fed Defenders point out that prudent consumers, and business owners, should have seen the problem ahead of time and replaced their plastic credit wads, with a reputable collection of designer credit cards, cards whose topography, at minimum, should have included inlaid silver-eagle holograms and elevated ridge lines consisting of properly curved Arabic numbers and Latin letters.

Business owners disagreed with the assessment of the Fed defenders. For example, part time Hollywood mini-movie producer and clothing outlet owner Pave Vivid recorded himself in his new video film saying:

“After the Greenspan acceleration, wave after wave of consumers continued to pile into my wool and cashmere sweater outlet. I tried closing the front doors but customers just kept coming through the windows and back doors, buying, buying, and demanding to buy more. The buyers demanded sweaters, socks, shirts, and even future rights to purchase specific Hollywood monograms. When I ran out of cashmere inventory, twenty accelerated consumers came through the front window and the bought the rug. “

Mr. Vivid then added:

“My research discovered that 7-11 stores also tried to stop the growing flood of accelerating demand by ordering every 7-11 cashier to revert to using his or her native language after ten PM.  However, customers did not notice the difference. And on top of that, customers kept jamming ever larger-sized SUV’s into the micro 7-11 parking lots and creating mini-gridlocks and personal nano-rages, across the entire country.

After one week of discussion, Dr. Howard Wayne accelerated the debate by charging Dr. Greenspan with moving two directions at once.

“While he was intentionally accelerating the economy in private, the former Fed Chairman was also, intentionally, stalling out economic discussion in public.  It is this combination of the two contradictory ‘intentions’ that led personal economic transactions to ‘unintentionally’ accelerate. We even believe that Fed’s actions even may have accelerated the Toyota motor company’s push to increase market share so rapidly that their engineers began to lose control over their own quality control system.”

Toyota’s North American market spokesperson, Hikura, Hideo, Hitoshi, (better known as: “Bob”) agreed that Dr. Wayne’s hypothesis had merit. And he said that Toyota was continuing to investigate whether a small square piece of faulty plastic, was the underlying source of the every documented case of unintended acceleration across the entire country.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 6th, 2010 at 8:48 am and is filed under Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.