Intelligence Analysts: The Entire Country of Kyrgyzstan Has Gone Into Hiding

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The U.S. and  Russian Governments Are Looking All Over the Mountains for the Missing Country

April 18, 2010

U.S. Government analysts report that the entire country of Kyrgyzstan has gone into hiding after last week’s street uprising overthrew the Government. Analysts and their media counterparts say that they simply cannot find the small Central Asian country of five million. Former CIA station Chief and Security Consultant Howard Sweep expressed a view held by many security professionals:

“We know the Kyrgyzstan is located somewhere among the jagged mountain ranges of Central Asia. But there are so many twisted mountains, rugged valleys, and warped border lines, we just cannot find where the dag-blasted the country has gone to. I swore we saw it on Google maps last week, but we forgot to bookmark where we found it.”

U.S. Government officials tried to downplay their concern about the status of the U.S  Army’s “Manas” air-base in Kyrgyzstan. However, the Pentagon admitted that if the “Manas” air base cannot be found,  military supply routes to Afghanistan could be disrupted, forcing American troops to rely on the traditional Afghan weapons of war, such as: rocks, slings, and, a two hundred year hatred of the British.

Hoping to coax key Central Asian contacts out of hiding, the Pentagon crafted a carefully worded message which was e-mailed to millions of computers scattered across central Asia. Bewildered Asian leaders, in turn, pleaded with to Pentagon to explain the American salutation:

 “Oli-Oli-Arkin fr-r-ee.”

Six hours after the Pentagon’s  e-mail blitz, a dazed withered Kyrgyzi sheep herder, and his wife, wandered out of the mountains near the city of Alma Altay in southern region of Kazakhstan. The sheep-herder told reporters that, when he tried to return to his village, after grazing his animals, he had found that his entire home country had disappeared.

Kyrgyz to-Russian to-English translators reported that sheepherder told them: “I guess people in my country don’t like me anymore. If you want them to come out of hiding just pay me ten dollars and I will go back up to the mountains with my sheep”.

Reporters informed the sheepherder that his fellow countrymen were hiding from a recent street revolution and a spirited government turnover. The sheepherder dismissed the idea, saying that the Kyrgyz capital of Bishkek was so cluttered with Russian revolutionary monuments that there were no free streets to start a new revolution.

The sheepherder explained to translators:

“The Russians taught us that revolutions are opportunities to grab a three room apartment, smash a photo of your boss, and exploit the chance that, one day, your work-ID photo may be reconstructed into a public statue. Who would hide from all of that?

According to translators, the Kyrgyzi sheepherder’s wife repeatedly complained, throughout the discussion, that her fellow citizens had taken all the good hiding spots in Kyrgyzstan, leaving her with no place to hide from her husband.


Meanwhile, Russian military officials are said to be in a desperate search to find Kyrgyzstan before the Americans do.

Ten hours after the Pentagon sent out its barrage of oli-arkin free e-mails, thousands of Russians computers in the Northern Siberian city of Minsk responded with the message:

 “You are getting warm.” 

Twenty minutes later, a Russian icebreaker ship, sloughing through Arctic Ocean, 100 miles off the coast of northern Siberia, sent another thousand e-mails with the message:

  “You are getting warmer.”

After a day of calculated diplomatic pouting, Russian Premier Vladimir Putin pulled the Russian Minister of “abroad Stan affairs”,— —-Yaroslav Dmitri Vladiput Gaporchevnick,—— into his inner office. Locking the doors, the Russian Premier preformed one rendition of ” Honky Tonk Women”  while imitating Mick Jagger’s frog-pouting and kangaroo-jumping preformance style .

Premier Putin then threatened the “Stan affairs” Minister with a fate similar to that of:

——— “a Kyrgyzi sheep found grazing on the bridal flowers at Chechen wedding” ———

if he could not explain, within 24 hours, where the tiny mountainous country of five million Kyrgyz people, had gone to.


Twenty four hours later, members of the Lawrenceburg high school hockey team in Lawrenceburg Indiana, each began receiving hundreds of strange Russian-Cyrillic lettered e-mails every minute. Google language-translation software quickly grabbed the hockey team e-mails, swallowed them, and spit out the following message over the Lawrenceburg high school intercom system:

“We are here, in the same place we have always been”.

Lawrenceburg high school officials quickly impounded school computers, locked all the students in the school cafeteria, and held a three hour meeting reviewing fire drill procedures.

The school administrators then worked out a  wording plan for an “official return e-mail”. After evacuating the school, and breaking for a minute of prayer, school officials sent the following message:

“Where’s here?  Just kidding. No we are serious.

Just where is it, that you claim, you have always been?”

Within minutes, hundreds of e-mails quickly inundated the town of Lawrenceburg and surrounding Dearborn county townships containing the English language statement:

“Here, in Bishkek. We never left. Why can’t anybody find us anymore?”

School administrators answered back:

“If that a beef or fish restaurant? Or is it some combination of both?”

Bishkek: “We are here in the capital of Kyrgyzstan, where we, and our 1905 revolutionary monuments, have always been.”

Lawrenceburg high school”Are we getting warmer? 

Bishkek: “No”

Lawrence burg:“ We got it.—– You are from Pakistan?”

Bishkek: “That’s way too warm”

E-mail from wandering Russian sub: “Everybody is getting colder. Just a clue: North Central Greenland is warm.”

Within an hour of the Great Lawrenceburg High School-Kyrgyzstan e-mail Game exchange, CIA officials notified the White House that the Government of Kyrgyzstan had fled to Dearborn County Indiana.

Upon hearing the news, Russian Premier Putin sent Mr. Gaporchevnick to Indiana and ordered the Stan Affairs minister to quietly take a up a “seated” observatory position on the “inside region of  the home team hockey net” during Indiana’s most competitive hockey games.


Meanwhile ex-CIA station chief Howard Sweep said a Kyrgyzi sheep herder—who was looking for his wife— had led him to down a “tortured mountain trail, littered with little goat dropping balls and twisted Stan-boundary lines”,– to the Manas airbase.  Howard Sweep said he had found the missing U.S. soldiers, inside the base mess hall drinking beer and watching videos of Russian Premier Vladimir Putin pouting and singing “Honky Tonk women”.  

Howard Sweep claimed to have quickly grabbed a computer and bookmarked the Manas site on Google maps and sent the information to the office of his consulting firm in Washington D.C.

Upon, hearing the news, Afghan President Karzai announced to his nation that the America’s critical war shipments to Afghanistan would resume, now that, America’s Missing Military Leader, a General Ali-Ali-Alarkin, has been freed by brave Afghan police armed with nothing but rocks, slings, and a common two hundred year hatred of the British.

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