President Obama Moves to Secure The World’s Most Active Volcanoes

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Keep Our Active Craters Out of the Hands of Terrorists

The White House Calls for an International Conference to Deal with Ash Proliferation

April, 22, 2010

World leaders from six continents breathed a sigh of relief over the near miss which occurred this past month but cautioned, that next time, the world may not be so lucky. That is, one week after President Obama’s nuclear proliferation summit packed 49 world leaders into the inner nucleus of Washington D.C.’s conference center; eruption of Iceland’s dangerously named volcano grounded thousands of air flight’s and vocal cords throughout Europe and the North Atlantic.

Ash proliferation engineers say that, had the eruption occurred only three days earlier, world leaders and diplomats would have been left stranded inside Washington D.C. conference rooms, exposed to endless nuclear “power point” slides, and stuck desperately trying to prevent the further spread of nuclear arms discussions and proliferation of ethical posturing.

Congressman Thadeiuss Maxigrandon the third, of Mississippi, who serves as the top ranked Republican, on the House intelligence committee issued the following “public” statement to his aide:

“This near miss clearly shows us how important it is to secure the world’s volcanoes, vents, and potentially active fissures.”

The Mississippi Congressman then called on the President to do “something” about proliferation of the world’s most vulnerable volcanoes and cantankerous craters.

Responding to the Congressman’s call, the President issued a ten point, eruption prevention plan which would: “prevent loose ash, stray magma, and vulnerable volcanic vents from falling into the wrong hands and jet engines”.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the plan’s first goal would be to clog terrorist volcano-information networks, worldwide, by giving each and every volcano, on and below the surface of the earth, an eight syllable name in the Ice-landic lanuage. According to Mr. Gibbs, the “President’s Ice-landic Vent Re-Naming Act”, would increase the number of volcanic misstatements, entangle terrorist communication, and encourage terrorist networks to seek more pronounce-able weapons of ash destruction.

According to leaks by unnamed White House Sources, the President’s plan would also establish CIA funded “terrorist training camps”, which would teach terrorist recruits the Mayan craft of  battle preparation and war worhip,—- —-, by hurling loaded weapons into active volcanic craters.

According to leaks, and outright verbal-sprays, from unnamed Congressional sources, point eight of the President’s plan would fund development of a new class of Air Force fighter balloons, which would have the ability to float—–through ash clouds—– to any target destination on earth within sixty days, and be able to drop pick-axes, rock-hammers, and red fire-ants on unsuspecting terrorists.

According to a steady stream of gossip from unnamed Green Peace activists, point six of the plan would create an elite network of ash spewing volcanoes, and, coordinate their eruption schedules to slow global warming and improve Al Gore’s summer nap and sleep schedule .

Supporters say that other points of the anti-eruption and proliferation plan will emerge once the names of “appointed White House leakers” can be scrubbed from public view or, equivalently, be translated into the Icelandic lanuage.

The Ash Fallout Continues

The constant media barrage over Iceland’s spreading ash-cloud and the President’s new anti eruption plan, has heightened awareness of the dangers of volcanic proliferation worldwide. 

People from practically every country on earth, have called emergency UN hotlines claiming to have spotted terrorist suspects,– —and billowing dust plumes—–on the slopes of active volcanoes and dormant ash-heaps.

Indonesia’s Minister of Craters and Eruptions, Dr. Hans Megawati Subupak, summed the public sentiment in his country:

“Our office has been inundated with calls, and shouts, from people who claimed to have seen Al Qaeda operatives scouting out their local volcanic cone. We are even getting calls from fisherman who have never seen a volcano in their life, but swear that terrorist snorkelers are diving into undersea vents near their favorite coral reef and generating suspicious looking bubbles.”

Indonesian officials say that office rumors are sweeping throughout the city of Djakarta that claim that country’s rice farmers have been circulating a rumor about a terrorist group that plans to hijack an Indonesian crater and use it to blow black pumice ash up towards the world’s busiest airspace.

Dr. Subupak added his own rumor:

“There has been an eruption of intra-government rumors saying that the proliferation of big city rumors about spreading rice field rumors are nothing but leftover fallout from an old urban legend.”

The minister then explained why he thought volcanic terrorist fears were rising:

This is what you get when the world over-doses on CNN News stimulants every time our sacred mother earth passes a little natural gas”.

As if to confirm the Indonesian’s minister’s view, CNN reported that thousands of Pakistani’s, living in that country’s Northern States and Eastern Stans, have called in to report smoke and ash rising from their local mountain peaks.

Pakistan’s Minister of Mining, Metals, and Mountains, a Dr. Giles Ali Pakasub, told reporters.

“Since Iceland’s eruption isolated England for the first time in three hundred years, people in Pakistan have just gone,

—— plume crazy.

That is, people are seeing volcanic ash clouds proliferating right out their own panasonic television sets.

We find people calling in to report ash clouds every time they forget to wash their car window.

We find people reporting planes lying flat on the ground at the airport, in the very same spot that they see the same parked planes, every day.

And we even find uneducated mountain people calling in over a proliferating rumor about an American plot to name their local mountain peak; after an eight syllable glacier field in Iceland. “

Despite the rumors, the Presidents of Indonesia and Pakistan jointly announced plans to lock down all suspicious mountain peaks in their respective countries.

President Obama Solves the Problem with a Conference

Meanwhile Congressman Maxigrandon urged President Obama to label the country of Guatemala a volcano proliferator and impose White House sanctions which would make illegal immigration from that Central American country, “even more” illegal than before.

The President responded to the Congressman’s second request by inviting him to a February 2011 anti-eruption and vent proliferation conference in Washington D.C.

According to the President, leaders around the world would be invited to attend the conference and discuss issues related to volcanic proliferation. Following the conference, leaders, and their staff, would be forced to gain “relevant” experience by spending two days at Dulles airport attempting to book commercial flights home, as airports across Europe and North America, close for Marti Gras and ash-Wednesday.

Banana News


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