An Immigration Bill Sneaks Into the Senate Schedule

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Immigration Jumps Ahead of Energy Bill to the Front of the Legislative Line

May 1, 2010

Sponsors of the Senate’s 2010 Energy Bill accused their colleagues, and leader Harry Reid, of sneaking the Immigration Bill onto the 2010 Senate calendar without obtaining proper legislative papers.

As the immigration Bill was introduced, critics quickly accused the bill’s backers of employing poorly paid barely-legal aides to hammer out the bill’s legal provisions in dimly lit back-wall cubicles. More strident critics asserted that the Immigration Bill fails to use properly obfuscating American legal-language and will not be able to assimilate itself into U.S. Constitutional law. Even more strident critics complained that the bill’s small-print footnotes are so lacking in proper English, that they cannot be efficiently converted into wasteful Congressional ear-marks.

In any case, the Immigration Bill’s quick jump to the head of the Senate calendar rammed debate on Energy and Immigration legislation together, creating a turbulent bicultural electrical stew of legislative disagreements.

Democratic Senator Kerry took to Senate floor and declared that the United States must be prepared to adopt whole new clean energy technologies as the country “accelerates towards a green-card economy.”

Republican Senator Shelby of Alabama took to the Senate steps and proposed an energy saving plan that would cut off the power supply to any home, or apartment, whose inhabitants refuse to speak English at the dinner table.

Wearing a track suit, Senator Kerry took to the Senate floor, a second time, and twisted through an assortment of stretch exercises, before declaring , in front of TV cameras, that the American energy sector must keep itself as flexible as “multi-colored stretch playdough” to compete in the global economy.

The Massachusetts Senator then proposed importing five thousand Spanish immigrants from La Mancha who could “promote the American wind and turbine industry” by attacking coal fired power plants on horseback.

Maintaining his flexibility, Senator Kerry suggested attaching his La Mancha plan to “either” the Energy or Immigration Bill. Or instead, inserting the La Mancha plan into a Hollywood, or Barcelona, movie script.

Meanwhile Republicans vowed to stop the illegal transmission of American made electricity across international borders.  Said Iowa’s Republican Senator Charles Grassley:

 “We, as a nation, can no longer allow our own illegals to take American charged radios, cell phones, and i-pods, and, other reservoirs of US generated electricity, back to their homes in Mexico and Central America to be used up for free.  

That is, we hope to make it illegal to send American charged consumer items to a foreign country.”

Consumer groups complained that the Iowa’s Senator’s proposal would force hard working American citizens, who own credit cards, to travel abroad strip naked, until they save enough cash to buy new clothing.

Immigration breaks clear

Despite the confused surges of Energy and Immigration proposals, the charges and counter chargers, and the migrant flow of proposals across issues, unimpeded immigration debate was allowed to take place on the floor of the lunch room of the Senate janitorial staff.

Taking the opportunity to frame the immigration discussion, Senator Schumer of New York accused the American business community of turning a blind eye, a deaf ear, and a stuffed up nose, to the issue of illegal immigration.

He then chastised business leaders for “in-sourcing” American jobs to illegal immigrants.

Members of  the Salvadorian janitorial staff said, that on the contrary, uncontrolled growth of the U.S. economy had caused the “outsourcing” of much needed Salvadorian housework to North American families.

Senator Kerry barged into the janitorial lunch room and broke up the discussion by proposing to cap immigration debate to one lunch hour per day and trade the remaining debate time, and heat, to the generation of “geothermal” energy.

The janitorial staff told Senator Kerry that they were willing to cap emissions of Spanish conjugated verbs,—– in exchange for,—– money.

Hoping to bring immigration supporters ”on board” the Energy Bill’s platform,  Senator Kerry  proposed generating electricity with bi-focal solar panels, with lenses manufactured on ”both sides” of the Rio Grande river, but packaged under one buy “all” American label.

The Debate Gets More Muddled

Despite bi-partisan efforts to buy time for both bills; holdout Senators from both parties said they were buying none of “it”.

Senator Shelby proposed a “—stall—” on Immigration Debate, Immigration, and,— public speaking by Democrats.

Senator John McCain suggested that visitors to the State of Arizona  carry a pocket mirror, all at times, and use it to regularly check their appearance.  The Arizona Senator added that visitors should “be prepared” turn themselves “in”, so that they could be thrown “out” , if their appearance becomes suspicious, foreign, or more illegal looking than usual.

Senator Shelby proposed that the immigration debate be outsourced to the Mexican Congress.

Taking to the steps to the janitorial lunch room the Senator announced:

“First, let the Mexican Congress pass a bill controlling the illegal flow of Central Americans into Mexico. Then let the Mexicans send that bill to our embassy’s counselor officer who will do the proper paperwork to introduce immigration debate in the U.S. Congress.”    

Senator Kerry blasted Senator Shelby for “over stretching” his authority and said that outsourcing any reform bill to Mexico was tantamount to killing reform by excessive verb conjugation.  

Senator Shelby told reporters that no one had more respect for the hard working illegal Mexican construction worker than the building contractors in his state. The Alabama Senator then promised that his own grandson would put immigration reform on fast track, once his grandson:

“gets himself born, raised, educated, and elected to a future U.S Senate;

– a Senate that, one day, will be is so efficient that windmills will line the Senate walls and will capture and process the windy back-draft from future Senatorial debates and speeches.“


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