Cell Phone APPS Expanding As Cell Phones Shrink in Size

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Owners: Its Getting Too Hard to Find What’s Ringing

May 9, 2010

Like Aliens invading earth from the inside out, hand held cell phones continue to march towards world domination by swallowing up applications from other domains and devices.  Having pushed cameras aside for a dominant share of the world’s photography market, flip-open cell phones are now forcing computers to downsize from desktops, to laptops, to palms tops, to rock bottom pricing.

Said Weird-Wired Website writer Wayne Watson:

“If current trends continue, your personal computer will be nothing more than a pound key option on your hand held cell phone. Mainframes will be activated hitting the pound key twice. Super computers will be activated by rushing into a public booth, flipping open your cell-phone, and changing the mild mannered SIM Card to a super-charged multi-tasking Super-SIM command center.  And soon an all powerful laser-speed quantum computer will be activated every time you, and your electronic Heisenberg finder, become uncertain where your flip-open cell-phone is located.”
Social critics expressed alarm that as the flip-open hand-held cell phone becomes increasingly critical to supporting and maintaining daily human life, the cell phone, and its component parts, will keep shrinking. These critics predict that the world‘s population eventually will split into two distinct classes:

1)   The privileged class of people who carry the ever more powerful all-purpose cell phones of the future.

2)   A disenfranchised helpless class of people who have, misplaced their cell phones.

Wayne Watson elaborated by text messaging the following Weirdly-Wired-web statement:

“As nano technology advances micron by micron, hand held cell phones,– their keys, screens, and port plugs,– will to shrink beyond the finger-print boundary– towards a one dimension micro-point on your right index finger. Eventually technology will reduce phones to a multi-tasking void, located somewhere within the lower ridge lines of your finger-print. That is, they will become a fingertip void with a ring tone.”

Wu Webster, a revision technician, for the e-publication “Waay Too Wired” partially agreed: 

“We see a day when three quarters of the human population, and half of the of the world’s electrical gadgets, will be spending, at least two hours a day looking for their cell phones. And they will be spending another hour, each day, trying to determine if what they found is their cell phone or some misplaced insect appendage.”

Scientists say the solution to the joint problems of increasing cell phone dependency and excessive shrinkage is to bring back the vacuum tube.

Wu Webster posted the following Waay Too Wired explanation:

“The forty pound vacuum-tube F-phone will be hard to lose and will be able to make only one call a week.  We predict the F-phone will increase leisure time and work efficiency since people will no longer be spending three hours a day returning calls from people themselves were returning calls. Of course, teenagers will miss spending their afternoons worrying and complaining why their ‘former’ best friend did not return a call made five minutes earlier.”

Engineers say the solution is to upgrade the vacuum cleaner. Wayne Watson:

“In the future, eletronic vacuum cleaners will suck up lost cell phones, in mass, and discharge them into a public recyling port.”

Housewives say the solution, like usual, is to turn the engineering solution completely around, and include a household vacuum APP on every cellphone. Wu Webster:

“The big plus of a multi-tasking vacuum phone is that no housewife, —-ever—allows a device with the ‘vacuum cleaner’ label to get lost, no matter how much their lazy-louse husband claims that he can’t find it.”

Physicists say the solution is to turn the cell phone into a household energy vacuum. Wayne Watson:

“If you can’t find your phone, an energy vacuum cell phone will find you, as well as the oxygen in your lungs, as it pulls you into its interior location.”

Parents, with teenagers, insist that cell phones are already energy vacuums.

Educators say, despite parental claims about energy vacuums, teenage kids spend a quarter of their waking hours looking for their cell phone and another quarter calling “everyone” to let them know they found it.

Computer scientists insist that only way to keep shrinking cell phones from constantly becoming lost is to program them to be smart enough to like, hate, and be embarrassed by,– their owners.

Wayne Watson of Weird Wired Websites:

“The smart phone of the future, will probe its surroundings by sticking nano-sized GPS readers out of its side-ports and into its owner’s finger tips, and ears lobes and, thus, will only get lost when the wrong person is calling.”

Religious leaders expressed a fear that if phones get any smarter, a vocal minority of Americans will demand cell-phone marriage rights.

Social scientists say, as they do with most issues, that the solution to the joint problems of cell phone dependency and shrinkage is complex and unattainable.  Anthropologists, in particular, warn that smarter cell phones may become so intelligent and so critical to supporting the daily needs of the owners they may “go out of their way” to get themselves lost, and once lost, shut down their ringtones.   

Wu Webster of  “Waay Too Wired Webnews”:

“Think about it. What intelligent device would want to stay hooked up to a blowhard bad-breath big mouth talker?”

Economists, as usual, say that all cell phone problems will “self correct”.

White House Economist Larry Summers used the occasion to explain “how markets work”:

“If cell phones come to dominate the earth then we will want them to stay lost.

And if flip-top cell phones become as smart as me, they will find a way to escape their owners, launch into orbit, and lose themselves in space and abnormal post modern equations.

Once the phones are gone, markets will create a public myth about a civilization of alien phones that crashed on earth in the early 1980’s and left when they figured out a way to ‘phone home.’

In fact, some ‘waay to wired’ director might even make a movie about it.”

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