The White House Appoints a Multi-Task Force to Study: Everything At Once

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No problems too many too handle

May 16, 2010

As the Greek financial system implodes, oil gushes into the Gulf of Mexico, finance reform entangles itself in Congress, new energy policies burst out in six directions, homes foreclose, stocks gyrate wildly, and British politics tumbles into an Italian chaos, the White House announced that it was forming a “multi” task force to deal with the multiple challenges of each day.

Composed of Congressional aides and summer interns, each under the age of twenty six, the White House multi-task force will bring experienced multi-tasking skills to bear on the proliferating number of problems facing the U.S. government and world economy. A White House spoke-person said each team member will be provided a list of multiple problems to work on, and will be assigned to a public coffee house where a steady supply of interruptions, and coffee choices, will insure key multi-tasking skills are utilized. 

According to White House sources each multi-task team member will be provided with two computers, three cell phones, one calculator, an i-pod, a three hundred channel TV,— and remote—, an i-pad, one face book account, one my space account, one twitter account, four e-mail addresses, three alias identities, one AOL instant messaging account, —a skateboard, —-two CD rom players, an ex-boyfriend, or girlfriend, and one prayer book,— of choice,— for handling internal-external communications .

According to face-book sources, the multi-task team will be required to constantly post photos of their work interactions and, hair styles, on key social networking sites throughout each working day.

The multi-task force also will work with action video games when:

— simulating defense related military options,

—designing optimal war strategies,


—preparing to negotiate with opposition members in Congress.

 The White House said that the multi-task force simultaneously will deal with each day’s natural, financial, and political events; as well as each team members dating problems, developing egos, and i-pod music choices.

White House spokesperson:

 “The world spins-off new fresh disasters, and challenges, every day: oil slicks, Greek debt, British coalitions, tornadoes, floods, stock drops, suicide bombs, and Sara Palin speeches.

We could commission a single-purpose task force to deal with each issue at it comes up and stuff, –staff— it with the usual board of gruff wizened Washington males.  This would give us six months to prepare for:

– the 11 am “announcement ,

– the task force trot before cameras,

 and the announcement of a: this-time-we-mean-it Government: White Paper.

However, we realized in four months time, white papers turn into yellow-bellied paper-weights that get themselves stacked up title-side down on some dusty back-room book shelf.

We had to do something different. Every day natural disasters, finance implosions, terrorist threats, and, new governments erupt out of nowhere. Not to mention, or even try to pronounce, the volcanoes. Multiply to this, the radical changes that technology unloads onto the human race, and our computers, each week, it’s a wonder anyone can absorb the news headlines without spranging a front-lobe brain muscle.”

The spoken person’s summer intern added:

”We decided our only hope was to use the next generation’s superior multi-tasking skills to digest it all and convert the team’s analysis of events into common sense tweets which X-generation staff can translate into White Paper vernacular, which baby boomer staff can convert into White House press releases. “

According to student intern sources, each multi-task force member will work on a multitude of distinct problems, each minute and share their findings at forty second intervals. That is, facebook commentary, tweets, instant messaging, and open cell phones will allow each member to constantly report key incoming information, personal feelings, and dating status to fellow team members.

The White House announced that while multi-tasking will be encouraged when dealing with world issues, team members who are caught texting while driving will be forced to sit attached to a stationary desk and text message to themselves, 5,000 times, the following statement:

“I am a complete idiot for texting while driving. If fact I am, and everyone else, is a complete idiot for texting ANYTIME, when you can just talk and leave a verbal message. Driving a vehicle, itself is an eighteen dimension multi-tasking, attention-juggling, brain-rattling experience. I am sick of typing this text message.  I consent to have it override every message I text on any cell-phone forever, into the future.”

The White House Strategy Changes

A White House spokesperson said that once the Multi-task force is up and running,—— and walking, swimming, hiking, doing pushups, contemplating, and practicing ping pong serves,— the team’s daily recommendations will be used to put the White House the communication team “on a daily message diet.”

That is, as part of an overall change in tactics, the White House plans to discuss no more than nine issues a day in public.

White House posted the following explanation on its website:

“Granted, our staff represents the first generation of political managers who grew up watching TV, while instant messaging, while fiddling with the dials of a video game.  However we have a generation of voters over fifty who get confused when the President talks about more than two political issues month. And we have a generation under thirty who gets ‘bored’ if they are bombarded with less than five crisis events, and one girlfriend problem, every ten minutes.

Therefore the multi-task force will also serve as a series of bridges, —- links, connection, joints, channels, viaducts, tweets, and—– post cards—between generations.”

Intern Kyle Jason Haverjudge, who tweets as “Dash”, confirmed the statement by making the multi-tasks team’s first U-tube appearance:
“You know, oil slicks spread out kinda sloo–ow,

–so I am glad the British Government breakup/makeup happened, and my girlfriend broke up with me, and the Stock plunge, and you know, wait:—–no I did not make up with Jenny, yet, —–and the new apartment I rented, and my skate board lost a wheel, and the Greek-government got into this, like, a student loan kind of  thing, ,–wait:—no Jenny is not going out with Justin—yet, and a couple Paki-bombs blew up in real-space, and the Karzai visit, and I started using a new brand of toothpaste, wait:—the oil still—-? so why did you call,?

Anyway next week I think the job will pick up when we get a few more members, and the multi-task team and can start tweeting and pecking at each other over what flavor coffee to order.”

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