Incumbent Politicians Assert That They Never Voted for Themselves Either

By admin

It’s a Good Time to Change One’s Past

June 1, 2010

The defeat of Arlen Specter in Pennsylvania’s Democratic Primary, the Victory of Tea Party Candidate Rand Paul in Kentucky, and the news that 70% of Washington Representatives have never used an ATM machine, have sent incumbent representatives scrambling for the political shadows like cockroaches exposed to at bright burning flashlight. 

In the past two weeks over half of the nation’s politicians claimed that they have never voted for anyone belonging to a standing political party and known anyone holding a political seat.

As it gradually became apparent that Senator Specter’s party switch had lost him the Pennsylvania primary, hundreds of politicians rushed to change their status in other ways.

Harry Reid told reporters that he was resigning his position as Senate majority leader, joining the Marines, and would personally “Marine seal the border” between South Afghanistan and East Nevada.

Senate minority leader Mitch, McConnell— or Mick, Mac-No— charged onto the Washington Mall in an eagle feathered Indian costume and dumped a sack of British tea into the Lincoln reflecting pool, while whooping and yelping, to a bewildered group of tourists, about “scalping taxes, Democrats, and establishment Republicans” .

Joe Lieberman announced he had seen the light and has heard the voice of Jesus, and was forsaking the Jewish faith to become a tongue chanting, second amendment embracing, Pentecostal Baptist. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York, said he had joined “brother” Joe in converting to the faith that has sustained the hopes of millions of American voters” throughout the darkest hours of leftist liberal, buckshot-hating, rule”.

When asked by reporters about Obama’s new energy bill, Nancy Pelosi answered:


When the reporter mentioned that Barack Obama was the Democratic President of the United States Ms. Pelosi responded:

“’I’ll be. I got caught up doing a crossword puzzle back in 2008 and didn’t hear the news. I never thought that a man with an Alfred E. Newman ear span ever would be elected President of the United States. Maybe one day I can meet him and see if those big ears help him listen to ordinary folk like me”.

President Obama, when asked about Nancy Pelosi’s comment, admitted that he had heard “the rumor” that a woman from San Francisco had been elected to the House of Representatives.  The President said that, as a rule, he never asked about politicians from San Francisco until he was sure he could be legally be told about them.

The President then praised Senator John McCain for his heroic, behind the scenes efforts to help draft the “most comprehensive health care overall” this nation has ever witnessed.

North Carolina newspapers reported that Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa emerged from the men’s room at pork- rind bar in Fayetteville speaking in a drawn out tobacco stained southern dra-awl.

When reporters asked what had happened to his voice the Iowa Senator talked his way right past the question:

 “Carolina folk sure can stew up a buttery heap of boiled grits. But if ja’ll just come on up to Iowa and git a bite of Iowa fried pork-fat, —that my ma fed me since I was eyeball high to a sack of cotton—you’d git your mouth on right good too.”

After losing the Pennsylvania Democratic primary, Senator Specter appeared before Philadelphia reporters in a “Halloween” costume, and said that a deep inner voice finally convinced him to transform into Aleena Susan Specter.

The Senator said that her inner self had felt the compulsion to transform, from the age of six onward, but she had failed to do so, because of outside pressure from “those just awful incumbent worshiping political types”.

When questioned by reporters—Aleena said, now, that she could express her true self, she would be able to represent a fresh new set of political views which Pennsylvania voters would be sure to appreciate when she runs for the Senate as a member of the Independent Gender Party.

Meanwhile Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal admitted that his South Asian accent was fake and that his father was really a Kenyan and his mother a Louisiana Cajun, who met his father at a tax protest rally in Baton Rouge. He then denied being Barack Obama’s cousin, but did say—that his Kenyan family “appeared” to share the same frontal brain-lobe genes which allowed the President to breeze though law school at Harvard.

Alabama Republican Senator Shelby—came forward to announce that his maternal great-grandmother was one half “North” Kenyan, was born in the backseat of a GM car, and supported Government bailouts of failed modern art museums. Mr. Shelby said he was would be continuing his family’s support for modern art by designing a “special” atheistic shape for an Alabama Congressional district where his son was running for election.

As incumbent politicians continued to duck, weave, and blend into the working class, voters, across all fifty states appeared to be buying none of it.

When Sarah Palin explained on “Alaskan talk radio voices” that her “drill baby drill” speeches had “actually” referred to the plan for restoring state dental rights; callers quickly swamped the radio station with demands to fill Ms. Palin’s memory cavities with black dental tar and shoot up her gums with “just” enough Novocain to hibernate a set of teeth for one North Arctic winter.

Hollywood writer James Ames James explained the public mood on the website “writers without work”:

“Voters don’t buy it one bit. Voters don’t buy Sarah Palin excuses, Harry Reid’s military maneuvers, or that claptrap about Joe Biden entering a monastery and taking a vow of silence.”

When asked about the vow of silence rumor, the Vice President quickly worked his hands and fingers through hundreds of structured gestures until a White House aide came out and tied a set on boxing gloves over the Vice President hands.

The White House aide then told reporters that the Vice President really didn’t mean any of it—particularly the part about him and Mitch McConnell dressing up like Indians every Halloween and going out tax and treating with Pennsylvania’s Senator Specter.

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