Plan B: President Obama Orders American Auto Companies to Build a Car That Runs on Raw Oil and Salt-Water

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A Salt Engine Fix Before the Hurricanes Attack

June 12, 2010

Frustrated by the Government’s inability to prevent leaks under conditions of intense pressure, the President admitted that oil cleanup information will continue to spill out of the White House and tar ball his energy policy. The President therefore took the bold step of bypassing the leaks and announcing Plan B: a six billion dollar subsidy to three American auto companies and one aquarium to develop a car engine that runs on raw saltwater and unrefined oil.

Scientists at MIT’s ”Ocean Productivity Improvement Lab” predicted that it will take two years, six thousand packs of Morton Salt, and eight cost overruns to develop an internal combustion engine that runs on petrol covered brine. Scientists say that further advances in component materials will be required to prevent salt-water engines from quickly corroding from the inside out and diminishing the sea-horse power of the new engines. Furthermore, MIT scientists warn that the first generation of saltwater powered cars could experience random bursts of ”unintended acceleration” from episodes of uncontrolled: “engine sneezing”.

White House leaks indicated that once the saltwater car engine is “up” and “running”, the Government will begin leasing out thousands of ”cubic feet” of the Gulf of Mexico. According to leaks, bidding companies will be required to show that they have the capacity to “skim” oil off, undulating waves of salt water, and have the ability to withstand the smell of shipping salted brine to market.

Rumor of the Government’s plan pushed the BP oil company to put forward their own U-Skim plan which would be modeled after agricultural U-pick operations. BP officials promised that any person or mechanical entity that skimmed a thousand barrels, or more, of excess oil out of the Gulf of Mexico would be allowed to skim off the top ten percent of BP’s tax breaks and thus, skip out on paying government taxes. BP promised that successful U-skimmers would receive other ”state of the art” oil company privileges.

However BP denied rumors that it was planning to compensate skimmers who come up empty handed, with a “souvenir” barrel of BP brine; complete with a pinhole sized leak, and a tar ball sealing kit.

Alternative Solutions Dissolve in the Gulf Water Debate

Meanwhile, scientists at the Boston Aquarium were said to be furiously working on a new breed of tropical plankton that will be able to digest oil and excrete premium gasoline. Aquarium officials denied that they were working against MIT’s project to develop a saltwater car engine. Rather, aquarium scientists said that a biological solution to the BP oil spill would be more “holistic, appropriate, and “earth loving” than a salt sucking engine built by a nerd-centric university; so dominated by computer-geeks that students are assigned Sudoku puzzle books for  literature class.

Marine Scientist Jeffrey Fishstein, better known as “Stein” summed up the view of the Boston aquarium scientists:

We have tremendous respect for the abilities of MIT scientists. But face it, a MIT brain will look at a problem and build some conflubalated mechanical device that can’t replace itself, or reproduce, after it wears out. If you don’t believe me, just ask the wife or girlfriend about the dating skills of anyone working in an MIT lab. The sustainable solution to this oil spill has to be biological since it was ancient plants and animals that were crushed to make oil into the first place.” 

MIT scientists hit back saying it was millions of years of geological pressure and physical heat that created oil and that a biological solution to the Gulf Cleanup was as dead as the plants that had been crushed into oil by “the more relevant” physical forces of this, and other, worlds.

The White House ordered engineers and biologists to quit squabbling and said the core problem was neither mechanical nor biological but “economic”. The White House backed up its point by saying that hundreds of hours of intense public pressure and media heat had crushed BP profits,—- and White House political ratings,— into a dead inorganic brine which could prove to be combustible later in the year.

Meanwhile additional White House leaks indicated that University of Florida Scientists secretly had begun working on plan C; which would:

“Redirect the Gulf Stream current to carry Gulf oil plumes directly to Houston refineries and British beaches. 

 Banana news (www.bananaws.com)

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