Gasoline Anonymous Shelters Overwhelmed by Americans Seeking Oil Addiction Treatment

By admin

A growing ethanol subsidy addiction not far behind.

June 27, 2010

Recent statements by politicians, and news commentators, regarding the American addiction to oil are driving thousand of U.S. citizens to seek help at “Gasoline Anonymous” shelters throughout the country. Shelter owners report people staggering though the front door, dropping SUV keys onto the floor, and begging for bus schedules, bicycle lessons, and help.

Volunteer shelter aide, Jave Vivid tried put an optimistic spin on the problem: “Ninety percent of solving an oil addiction problem is admitting to yourself that you have an oil addiction problem. Nine percent is telling your wife, or husband about it. And one percent is realizing that riding to work on horseback is not the only available alternative.”

Gasoline Anonymous shelters say they are coping with the surging demand for their services by forming carbon separation therapy sessions and are organizing group bicycle pools which allow former addicts to pedal to work in slow moving bicycle flocks.

Participants say that group therapy sessions focus on each addict’s commuting habits, wasteful weekend outings, and personal acceleration fetishes.  Therapy counselors say participants are encouraged to challenge each other’s craving for powerful engines, giant tires, and four wheel drive. Counselors claim these automotive expressions of power are only artificial devices used to compensate for personal feelings of inadequacy and to overcome feelings of being stuck in one place: on the job, in school, or on the inner edge of a stubborn mud hole on a dirt road.

Groups meet twice a week and support each other’s efforts to ride buses and subways, repair bicycles, and install telecommuting software. However groups admit that most of their time is spent working to prevent backsliding from group members, who violate their carbon reduction oaths –for example, –by sneaking into SUV’s at odd hours of the day and night and gunning the engine while blasting rock or country music out of the cab radio.

Jave Vivid:
“One of our acceleration recovery addicts tried to go cold-turkey, but was caught sneaking into his basement every night and accelerating himself through six levels of the GRAND THEFT AUTO video game. Eventually, he took up free-fall parachuting but his buddies and wife made him quit, because his acceleration addiction had grown so strong that he stopped pulling the chute chord. Finally, we solved his acceleration addiction by finding a bicycle and a steep hill—and making him to pedal his way back up.” 

Despite the large number of American who have admitted to having an addictive gasoline or carbon habit; household consumption surveys, and garage gas-can litter, reveal that most Americans remain in state of aggressive petrol-denial.

Pave Vivid, a Hollywood movie director, explained the situation using a mirror image of his brother’s, Jave, earlier statement:

“Ninety percent of admitting a gasoline addiction problem is solving the problem yourself. Only once you are free, can you honestly admit you had been addicted.”

Both Carbon lovers and Carbon Haters rushed to exploit the contradictions between the Vivid brother’s twin pronouncements by issuing the following statement:

“If ninety percent of solving an addiction problem, is admitting it and ninety percent to admitting it, is solving it—then how does anyone get past blaming Jimmy Carter whenever they get a ticket for going eighty miles per hour on the straight section of an interstate entrance ramp?.”

Pave Vivid, appeared on his recent video film in front of a Malibu 7-11 parking lot to comment on the: “Vivid carbon contradiction”:

“Yes, most carbon addicts are stuck, in the double causing netherworld between admitting an addiction problem, solving it and deciding whether Al Gore would have been a better president than Millard Filmore.

But addicts can escape their condition by putting their SUV or truck in neutral, staring into their rear view mirror, and flooring the accelerator. This carbon wasting exercise helps addicts experience the futility of America’s continued reliance on fossil fuels and forces them to admit that 1848 was the ideal year for Al Gore to be elected president of the United States.”

Americas New Fast Rising Addiction

While Gasoline Anonymous shelters continue to be overwhelmed across the country, cities and towns across the Midwest report the parallel formation and growth of  “Ethanol Anonymous“ chapters. Ethanol addicts have found themselves ensnared in the double addition to corn based ethanol and agricultural subsidies. And unlike gasoline addicts, from other parts of the country, Midwestern addicts claim that the source of their twin addictions—ethanol and USDA subsidies– are predicted to continue until the sun burns out.

Jave Vivid was quoted in his brother’s film:

“Admit it, when Americans are riding around in nuclear fusion powered space ships and paying less than penny a year for an overabundance of cheap energy power, the Department of Agriculture still will be sending out paper ethanol subsidy checks to every corn farmer in the country.”

Meanwhile, across the country, marriage counseling services report that they have been overwhelmed by an outbreak in strained marriages. Marriage counselors say that couples are coming through the door, claiming that their relationship has been destabilized by a husband or wife coming home and reading the following prepared statement:

“To solve the remaining nine percent of my gasoline addiction problem, Gasoline Anonymous has suggested that I inform you that I am, and have been, but soon will not be: both a leaded and unleaded gasoline consuming addict.”


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