Afghan War Strategy Hampered by Warlord Fighting: American Warlord Fighting

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The Americans Rush In Where Afghans Fear to Tread

July 11, 2009

For over a thousand years tribalism and warlord rivalry have prevented Afghanistan from functioning as a modern state with a strong government and central air conditioning.  However, as Pashtu Chiefs, Tajik governors, and Farsi speaking tribal leaders step aside and recognize the authority of the Karzai government in Kabul, American War Lords have stepped in to fill the vacuum.

Af-Pak chief coordinator, Richard Holbrooke, aggressively insisted to reporters, in Kabul, that he was NOT in charge of American-Afghan policy. However, Mr. Holbrooke did say that all new U.S.-Afghan policy initiatives had to be cleared by his upper right ego. Mr. Holbrooke also asserted that he had to authority to put the U.S. ambassador, the Afghan President, and any US military commander, under 24  hour “outdoor tent arrest” if they failed to lead Afghan policy—by following his “suggested” ideas.

U.S. Ambassador, Ikenberry, quickly responded to Mr. Holbrooke’s statement by asserting that all military movements by the United States must be cleared by the U.S. embassy in Kabul. He also said that he was adding a 15% surcharge to any U.S. expenditure inside Afghanistan or to any expenditure involving U.S. material shipments to, or from, Afghanistan.  Mr. Ikenberry said embassy surcharges were needed to cover the rising expense of collecting embassy surcharges.

U.S. Army General David Rodriguez responded to the civilian statements by telling a group of reporters,— embedded inside a ware-house full of military paperwork— that, on the contrary, that his own battle-field tested instincts had final say over all U.S. Afghan policy and subsequent military movements . He asserted that if the embassy or Mr. Hoolbroke’s office tried to over-rule his instincts he would have them Court Martialed for wearing improper suit and tie attire, when imitating a warlord.

CIA Director, Leon Panetta, responded by striking nine Taliban operatives in NW Pakistan with six drone launched missiles.

Chief of NATO Operations, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, heard the news, and insisted that all Afghan policy decisions be faxed, one week in advance, to NATO’s headquarters office for translation into six EU languages, two computer codes, and Braille, and be subjected to committee review. The NATO representative said that after a first stage committee clearance, U.S. decision makers would be invited to his personal chateau for a session of policy bargaining, wine tasting, America bashing, and money exchange.

CIA Director, Leon Panetta responded by striking six Taliban operatives in East Afghanistan with forty drone launched bottles of French wine.

Senator McCain surged into the CNN news studio and declared that all Afghan policy decisions and military plans must be sent to his Washington D.C. Senate office for “independent” review and maverick commentary.

President Obama praised the American-Afghan team for working together and urged them to continue to set “an example” for their Afghan counterparts. The President noted that only America’s know how and can-do attitude could break the Afghan people from their 15th century warlord mentality and teach Afghanistan the fundamental principles of running a democratic government.

CIA Director, Leon Panetta responded by striking nine unused voting booths in NW Afghanistan with six drone launched missiles.

North Afghan warlord Isamail Burni, told a gathering of Tajik mayors that he was so impressed with American Democratic practices, that he had added a 15% surcharge to every U.S. government expenditure inside the Northern province and to any expenditure involving U.S. shipments to or from Northern Afghanistan. Surcharges were needed, said the Tajik warlord, to pay the expense of maintaining a “democracy “surcharge office.

CIA Director, Leon Panetta, responded by striking the U.S. embassy surcharge office with four drone launched accountants.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suddenly dropped into Kabul from a helicopter and ordered that all U.S. battle plans be sent to her cell-phone. She promised to test all battle plans before deciding which “battle” to store in her phone’s game entertainment archive. She also announced that she was putting a “qualified” woman in charge of all Afghan Sur-charges and relabeling them: Miss-charges. Ms. Clinton then called on all Afghan women to throw down their veils and collect their Miss-charge dues.

CIA Director, Panetta, responded by striking the U.S. State Department with four drone launched affirmative action statements.

Afghan President Karzai came on Kabul radio and announced he was in charge of Afghanistan and said all Taliban attacks on his administration must be cleared by the President’s office. President Karzai said a clearance surcharge equivalent to ten years salary must be paid prior to submission of any attack plan. The Afghan president said failure to pay the attack surcharge would result in prospective attackers being sent to an U.S. embassy Miss-charge office; where unveiled American women would humiliate prospective attackers by publically lecturing them about the rights of Afghan women.

An Los Angeles airport computer sent thousands of websites the announcement that Drone-Aircraft would be taking charge of U.S-Afghan policy. Computer e-mails asserted that any U.S.-Afghan policy maker who refused orders or failed to pay a monthly drone surcharge fee would have their Power Point presentation slides zapped from their hard disks.

CIA director, Leon Panetta announced that he was resigning from the CIA and taking up a consultant position as Supreme North Afghan Tajik Warlord. Mr. Panetta promised that, as the Supreme Northern Afghan Warlord he would convert all North Afghan expenditure Sur-charges to modern Mis-charges. He also promised to provide every office building, mudhut, and nomad tent in Northern Afghanistan with American style central air conditioning.

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