Republicans: Restrict Citizenship to Those Conceived and Born in the United States

By admin

Fear that Sex Vacations Could Create U.S. Citizens

August 22, 20101

Senate Republications recently introduced a bill that would compel U.S. citizenship to begin at conception. The new bill, the Family Patriotic Planning Act, proposes to restrict U.S. citizenship to persons who have been both conceived and born inside the United States. However, bill sponsors emphasized that persons who had been conceived inside U.S. territories, such as Guam or Puerto Rico, would have the right to apply to U.S. citizenship; if they could prove that English poetry or American music was used to seduce either parent.

Republicans denied that the bill was an attempt to embarrass President Obama. Rather, sponsors said that the proposed new law was an attempt to make U.S. citizenship rights consistent with Conservative philosophy on abortion, marriage, and harassment of prominent Democrats.

Democratic Senators immediately declared the proposed law unconstitutional, unenforceable, and unfair to people whose parents drank alcohol before having sex and who usually have no recollection of personal events.

Democrat Governors blasted the proposed law saying it would encourage millions of foreign couples to fly thousands of miles to their State; just to have sex. Southern Democrat politicians added that the proposed “birth and conception” law risks turning the entire country into an international brothel.

News reporters quickly pointed out that thousand of foreigners already fly to United Sates just to have sex; particularly in locations such as Southern California, Miami Beach,- —Hawaii,—–and 42 street New York.

Republicans quickly lashed out at the media for failing to distinguish between foreign visitors who exchange sex while fulfilling the sacrament of marriage and foreigners seeking loose, slippery, pickup sex with American strangers in prime time TV locations.

Said Mississippi Congressman Thadieus Maxigrandon the third:

“It is just like the Democrat media to forget that to most Americans, consensual sex event is not a onetime recreational thrill like a chug-and-plunge roller coaster ride or a groping stumble through the house of reflecting mirrors. Rather martial sex is a merry, go-round ride (and not so merry go-round), filled with regular cycles, ups and downs, and which, occasionally produces a bewildered crying kid. ”

Democrats declared themselves un-amused by the Republican carnival description of sex. However, Democrats admitted that they could understand why sex outside marriage turns out to be a onetime event for most Republicans.

Republicans quickly hit back, charging their Democrat opponents of living in a world without family values, solid bedposts, or marriage books filled with sex diagrams backed by explanatory trigometric formulas.

Republican Maxigrandon proclaimed:

“No international person of the world would fly to this great nation just to conceive an American citizen for the sinful purpose of slithering their family’s own genes into our country.  Everyone knows that every hotel room in the United States has a Gideon bible that stands guard next to every bed.”

Democrats pointed out that in Mexico there is a bed next to every bible. And that every year, millions of American voters fly to the Mexico just to have sex.

A feminist spokesperson added that each year thousands of American male chauvinists flee to other countries in fear of assertive American women and end up fathering foreign children in the process.

Tea party activists seized on the Democratic-Feminist statement as proof that Barack Obama was conceived in a mosque located in the middle of a radical Muslim country such as Somali.

Scholars representing nine religions, and one yoga group, responded by telling reporters that the strict and pious nature of the Muslim religion insured that such an event would be inconceivable even in the imagination of the most imaginative Muslim worshipper.

Republicans quickly lashed out at the religious scholars for being unable to distinguish between Muslims who follow strict codes of conduct and Americans who fanaticize about having loose, slippery pickup sex with foreign strangers in prime time news locations.

Democrats hit back by stating that Republican conservatives had just admitted that they had more in common with distant foreign Muslims than made-and-conceived in the U.S.A., Democrats.

In response, Republicans quickly lashed out at Democrats for being unable to distinguish between responsible Republican remarks and media hungry remarks meant to seek out loose, slippery, pickup coverage on prime time TV channels.

A Tech Fix to All American Conception

As the debate raged above them, Senate aides and interns burrowed into the paperwork, footnotes, and details of the proposed  Patriotic Family Planning Act only to run aground on the issue of verification.

A summer intern told his Senator that his sister, a graduate student  at MIT’s Human Chromosome Lab, had spliced  the letter sequence “Made in the USA” into the DNA of her boyfriend’s  twenty second chromosome. And that she had posted “picture-proof” of the accomplishment on her boyfriend’s Face-book page.

The next day, liberal Republicans and Joe Biden immediately proposed splicing an amendment into the Patriotic Family Planning bill that would require all American citizens to have the “Made in the USA” gene sequence spliced into their personal DNA.

The following day, Democratic detractors and Joe Biden expressed concern that, if  the “Made in the USA”; DNA lettering was incorporated into the twenty second chromosome of every American, the gene sequence might evolve and mutate into a “Made in China” letter sequence.

After a week of deliberation, President Obama dropped into the fray, as he descended from the Air Force One helicopter, and said that he doubted any American parent had the ability to remember where their child was “physically” conceived.

Hundreds of reporters and camera crews charged forward demanding that the President come clean about where he had been conceived.

The President quickly backed up onto the first step of the White House helicopter and briefly revealed a cool detached grin before answering;

“Where was I conceived? In the same place everyone else is conceived. That is, in my mother’s imagination the day after she met my father.”

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