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Department of Education Orders Recall of Five Hundred Thousand High School Graduates

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Work-Shop Math Used to Pound the Lesson Home

Sept 4, 2010

The Education Department has announced that it is recalling a half million high school graduates after officials discovered a defect in the nation’s educational system. According to unnamed sources, several parts of the U.S. educational system were found to be working improperly.  Providing one example, an unnamed education official said that thousands of high schools mistakenly had routed first year algebra students to work-shop class; where the students were taught to use four inch pliers and adjustable wrenches to factor third order polynomials.  

A second unnamed source said that education officials also discovered that half of the nation’s high school English students had been issued abridged poetry books; which, for example, had replaced the Edgar Allen Poe expression “nevermore” with the term: “Polly want a cracker” .

A third unnamed source, told reporters that he was still waiting for his parents to provide him with a name.

The third source also said that no one defect dominated the Education Department’s recall decision. Rather, the source said, department officials decided that the cumulative impact of hundreds of minor education defects meant that letting loose a half a million high school graduates on the nation’s universities and job market would compromise public safety, undermine the economy, and increase the ratings of the Fox news network.

A fourth source, Dr. Crave Vivid, disputed the decision to recall half a million high school graduates. Instead Dr. Vivid argued that educators should use My-space and Face-book, to send corrective homework upgrades to the half million defective high school graduates.

Bloggers blasted the idea, saying that putting school homework on Face-book would prove to be more explosive than building a ten-minaret mosque inside the kitchen of Sarah Palin’s Alaskan home and using it to call her husband to prayer five times a day.

Dr. Vivid predicted that school-based homework would go extinct in the next decade unless:

– teachers post all assignments on social network sites.

and,

– reward correct answers with pop-up invitations to midnight slumber parties.

The School Administrators Clamp Down

The day following the recall announcement, an officially unnamed-official of the American School Administrators union informed anxious parents that faulty class room content was not the key reason for the student recall. Rather, the officially-unnamed-official said that careful analysis of graduating student records uncovered 2.4 million late homeroom arrivals, 3.1 million cafeteria violations, and over 18 million  cell-phones calls from high-school parking lots.

Dr. Vivid responded by telling reporters that such defects would not prove to be serious to the economy, since homerooms, cafeteria rules, and cell-phone restricted parking lots, are rarely found in business establishments or at universities.

The head of the School Administrator’s Union, responded by telling reporters that U.S. businesses do not tolerate late homeroom arrivals, even when there is no homerooms to arrive to.

Dr. Vivid countered, saying that students who have a track record of arriving late to homeroom, might be efficiently allocating resources to their most productive uses and might prove to be the sort of worker who improve’s U.S. productivity rates.

The head of the School Administrator’s Union asserted that she had already that said late homeroom arrivals would not be tolerated by the colleges and businesses in the U.S. economy.

Dr. Vivid changed tack and pointed out that it would be a waste of resources to recall a half million graduating seniors in order to make them sit through hours of lost high school homeroom time.

Within an hour of the debate, a School Administrator Union lawyer assured concerned parents that recalled students would not be forced to sit through hundreds of hours of lost homeroom time. Rather, he said, that the half a million students were being recalled so they could be suspended from school.

Dr. Vivid said that it did not make sense to recall a half a million students in order to suspend them from schools which they longer attended.

The Head of the School Administrator’s Union suggested that Dr. Vivid go find his old high school and return to his senior year homeroom class before he had his US citizenship suspended for ten days.

The Recall Debate Expands

As the high school recall debate raged, a High School Graduate from Dade City Florida, prominently announced on Facebook that Kyle-Hank-Justin was his name. He then challenged education officials to get a life with a public name.

The next day, three education officials, who asked to be called Code Z-z-1, Code Z-z-2, and Bob, said that education department files showed that one Kyle-Hank had built up a “record” of slovenly home room appearances and teen-style slouching in cafeteria lines. The officials also pointed out that the very same Kyle-Hank had a history of busting up polynomial formulas in algebra shop-class with metal-tipped hammers.

Within minutes of the Kyle-Hank Face-book announcement, California officials declared that they were recalling two hundred thousand kindergarten graduates.

A California education official, who called himself Suspend, told reporters that the recall was initiated after State officials discovered that recently hired teaching assistants, with high school degrees, had used overly agressive methods to teach Kindergarten math.

In an off the record statement, Suspend told reporters that the teaching assistants had been teaching five year old kids to count from “one” to “ninety-nine” by aggressively pounding each number with a metal- tipped workshop hammer.”

 

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