Energized Republicans Demand That The Democrats Say “Uncle”

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The Democrats Offer The Republicans USDA

September 12, 2001

Voter anger pulsates and swells daily. Polls numbers rise up against the Democratic party; —– and breaks like a storm wave with each new bit of economic news. And the U.S. economy continues to stumble, st-ut-ter, and stammer like a penniless old man with a Sunday morning hang-over.

As voters continue to search for scapegoats, worried Democratic Senators begged the White House to cut a pre-election deal with Republicans.

According to Senate aides, Majority Senate Leader Harry Reid pleaded with the White House to move the IRS into a Las Vegas casino and collect taxes by sending out mail-order black-jack games.  Iowa Senator Harkin demanded that the White House relocate USDA headquarters to the cow-side of an Indiana Barn.  And Senator Kerry proposed that U.S.-Pakistan relations be managed by Senator McCain’s top-secret ego and maverick public moods. 

In sum, Democrats appear to be increasingly desperate to give Republicans governing responsibilities before the November election; hoping that angry anti-Washington voters will turn out an established Republican party.

A Senate intern summed up the view of Democrats in Washington:

“Once Republicans propose policies, they will be forced to fight stonewalling Republicans and stirred up tea party activists.

That is, the best way to keep the opposition from governing after the election is to get them to govern as much as possible before the election.”

The intern’s date added:

“If we are lucky, the Republicans will win big in the November election and spend the next two years grandstanding and term limiting each other out of existence.”

Democratic Governors, however, expressed skepticism about the Congressional strategy.

Pennsylvania’s Governor Rendell  told a group visiting Congressional interns, that unlike Senators and Congressmen, Governors make real decisions, balance public budgets, and die before having their names turned into buildings and highways.

The Governor added:

“If we are unlucky, the Republicans will win big in the November election and spend the next two years upgrading their standing and redistricting the Democratic party out of existence.”

Republicans Catch on to the Democratic Plan for USDA Barn

As Senate Republicans caught wind of the Democratic plan to deposit USDA inside a Republican owned barn, they quickly announced a proposal to eliminate farm taxes. Supply side economists predicted that the farm-based tax cut would produce surplus corn and soybean stockpiles that would “cover the globe”.

Veterinarians predicted that cow, pig, and chicken obesity rates would soar.

Democrats predicted that Republican tax cuts, once again, would do nothing but fatten a bunch of pigs.

Congressional Republicans joined in and introduced a bill to bequeath USDA subsidy rights to farm-raised children; as well as provide farm subsidy protection to the unborn.   

Not to be outdone by his colleagues, Frank Lucas, the top ranking Republican on the Congressional Agricultural committee, ordered all Washington-D.C. based USDA employees to report the Midwest for milking duty, at 5am, the day after the November election.

The President Joins the Political Game

As poll numbers against the Democrats continued to mount, Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell demanded that President Obama appear on television, and publically shout the word ”Uncle”.

President Obama responded by asking Mitch McConnell to join him on stage at the White House briefing room.

The President then warned Senator McConnell that if the majority of voters touch the word “Republican” inside a polling booth on November second, that he, Mitch McConnell,  would be  regarded as “it” by the American public.

Mr. McConnell quickly responded claiming that if even when Republicans win the House and Senate in November, Mr. Obama will remain “it” .

Senator McConnell then accused the President of planning to play a post-election game of: “Hide and Seek”.

Mr. Obama said, on the contrary, that the Republican Party was trying to play a pre-election game of: “Pin The Tail On The Donkey”.

Mr. McConnell: “Democrats, Piñata”.

Obama: “Republicans, Charades”.

Mr. McConnell: “Tax and Spend”.

Obama: “Tax and Spend?”

McConnell: “Whaa, you never played Tax and Spend” when you were a kid?”

Obama: “Tax and Spend?”

McConnell: “You’re ‘It’ “.

Obama: “It?”

McConell: “The one who is ‘It’ has to pay the Taxes”

Obama: “Uncle.”

McConnell: “Aunt Louise”

Obama: “Aunt Lousie?”

McVonnel:  “Aunt Lousie gets to spend your taxes. Hey, Mr. President you are no fun.

I am glad I didn’t grow up in Hawaii, and use up my recess time to go on wild surfing safaris.”

Obama: “Surfing Safaris?”

The next day, an aide to Senator Lugar said USDA was welcome to use his barn for its headquarters but warned that Washington officials might be a bit put off by the smell of cow and chicken manure

USDA officials answered that working in Washington D.C. already had acclimatized their bodies and brains to survive in a barn like atmosphere.

That evening, the President appeared on the national TV a second time and told reporters that Mitch McConnel was “no fair”.

The President backed up his claim by saying that White House lawyers had discovered that James Madison and Thomas Jefferson had left behind several documents which discussed the Democratic approach to the interlocking rules of tag.

And the President insisted that, by Constitutional Law, Mitch McConnell would be “it” no matter who wins the election in November.

 

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