Anniversary of Lehman Collapse: Angry New Jersey Pastor Threatens to Burn MBA books

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Pastors go wild: threaten to burn derivative contracts also

September 18, 2010

To mark the two year anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, an angry New Jersey pastor threatened to burn each and every MBA book, derivative contract, and subprime mortgage document located within a twenty mile radius of his church.  In a spirited sermon the Princeton New Jersey pastor called Business-school finance books the “breath of the devil”.

In a fiery speech later that day, the pastor denounced the Black-Scholes option pricing formula as evil, the embodiment of evil, and the entrance way into the black shoals of the devil’s evil sauna and wicked hot-tub.

However, in a subsequent twitter exchange, the pastor’s daughter tweeted that she thought playing price option games with the Black-Scholes formula was more fun than doing algebra homework.

National officials rushed to rebuke the angry Princeton Pastor claiming that his views do not represent the views of the average American debtor.

Minister Durbin-Watson of  ”The Manhattan Church of Christ-and-Stock Risen” appeared on Bloomberg news and said that it was money, not stocks, bond, or derivatives, that was the root of all evil.

The Manhattan Minister:

“Derivative contracts and option prices are only two of many wicked, thorny, branches which have sprung forth from the evil moneyed root.”

The Manhattan Minister:

“I invite the angry Princeton Pastor to join me in prayer to lift up Lehman brothers from the dead and let it ascend to its rightful place on the top floors of Wall Street’s skyscrapers.”

Within minutes of the Bloomberg interview, the Princeton Pastor appeared on Christian New Jersey radio and quoted Mark II: V:

“On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.”

The angry Pastor then informed his radio audience that he had no time to pray for the accession of Lehman brothers. Rather, the Pastor said he would be spending his afternoon praying for Goldman Sachs to implode into vacuum cleaner dust and rotten frog carcasses.

Within seconds of the Princeton Pastor’s radio appearance, the world price of dove futures collapsed.

Nervous bankers and traders expressed concern about what an MBA book burning and collapsing dove market would do to the image of the U.S. banking system.

As markets fell, Pastors from churches across the country rushed forward to denounce Wall Street and the heathen philosophy of economics.

As the threat of a MBA book burning grew louder, economists predicted that foreign depositors would flee from the dollar and send the U.S. economy into a tailspin. Business leaders worried that finance firms would move to London, or Dubai, until the book-smoke clears. University presidents appeared anxious that foreign students would go outside the United States for an MBA education. And options traders expressed concern that, one day, they may burn in hell.

Despite pressure from the finance industry, universities, and various government officials, the Princeton Pastor refused to back off on his plan to burn MBA books and derivative contracts. As the hours passed, the Pastor escalated his campaign by planning a Bond fire the night before the book burning; followed up by a plan to use live axes and machetes to issue a stock split.

The next day, an angry church-mob marched to Princeton University’s Business school and denounced economic theory as the religion of the widget counting devil.

Speaking before the mob, the angry pastor called Paul Sameulson’s introductory micro-economic text book: the Bible for the world’s black market’s and a celebration of mankind’s lust for more lust.

A team of Princeton Economists quickly surveyed the mob, ran their models, and predicted that the angry Pastor’s stock would grow by 1.2% over the next quarter. The Princeton economists also predicted that the religious anti-finance bubble would burst sometime in the second quarter of 2011, as competing Pastors around the country whipped up public anger about other unpopular issues.

As markets, dove sales, and denunciations spiraled out of control, the Princeton pastor’s daughter announced that she had discovered a link between the Black-Scholes option pricing formula and her current high school math assignment.

After being question by reporters, the Pastor’s daughter revealed that her math assignment was not about finance.

Rather, she said her assignment was about how Arab-Muslims developed algebra and how algebra is key to each and every financial transaction that is made in the world today.

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