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Editorial: A Sobering Answer to Our Reader(s)

By admin

We recently were asked by a frequent reader of Banana News the following question: “Would a person pass a 3 P.M. sobriety test if he got drunk at 8 A.M.?” After several insistent e-mails from this reader we decided to provide an answer.


This is an excellent question because it gives the staff of Banana News the chance to berate any person who ponders “getting drunk” at eight A.M, eight P.M., or at any other slip-spinning frame of time that the “getting” part of drinking throws one into and the “drunk” part leaves one desperately trying to crawl out of. Drinking to “get drunk” is one of the most utterly stupid things a person can do. It costs money, it makes people sick, and it knocks millions of brain cells off every drinker’s I. and Q. Futhermore, excessive drinking provides one’s critics and enemies with an obvious spot to hurl their sharpest and meanest exclamation point.

And, in a complete reverse to the many other vices in life, the women who count for something, hate it no matter how much they pretend to like it.

No drunk “ponders” questions about the nature of time, alcohol,  and testing . Drunks, and their body parts,  wander, blunder, and plunder. But they do not ponder. Nor they reflect. Nor can they hold onto their sense of fun. Drinking takes the wacky thrill of living and turns it into a dull timeless blur. A test at 3PM is the same as a test next week. 

On the other hand, this is not an “excellent” question. Nondrinkers do not know what is meant by the term to “pass” a sobriety test. Does passing mean one is sober or does passing mean that one is “drunk”? Passing out typically occurs when drinking. In the alcohol blurred world does the word “passing” all by itself, mean that one has become inebriated that the word “out” somehow has gotten lost along with everything else? Drinkers lose out. So do car keys. So perhaps “passing” a sobriety test means one is jail-tank drunk. We don’t know and hope never to find out.

The staff of Banana News suspects that the decay rate of any drug over the stretch of time between 8 A.M. and 3 P.M. depends on many factors such as food intake, food out-take, weight, movement, exercise, and the need to show up at work. But the Staff of Banana News doesn’t drink much beyond an occasional zesty beer and doesn’t find people who do drink repeatedly, interesting. We do suggest that any person who must drink more than the occasional beer use their transportation budget to purchase a 12-gear thin-wheeled bicycle, which by construction, allows only the appropriate people to be on the road. Doing so would not only make our roads more safe, but also would provide the bike buyer a more thrilling way to spin, blur, and move the world. And would be a sure fire way to avoid having to take sobreity tests.





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4 Responses to “Editorial: A Sobering Answer to Our Reader(s)”

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