It’s Official: Politicians Everywhere Promise to Do Nothing

By admin

It’s Not Freeloading if You Hold Public Office

October 4, 2010

A Western Tennessee politician has stunned the political establishment by declaring that, if elected, he will not serve.

Raymond Jason Hancock, running on his own Vacant Party ticket, has captured the imagination of west Tennessee voters with his no ideas, no action, no serve platform. Last week Mr. Hancock declared that if elected to the U.S. Senate he will use his term to go hunting and fishing in the Appalachian Mountains, or, —play bingo with his mother.

After making his sit-aside declaration, Mr. Hancock’s standing rose twenty percentage points in national opinion polls and three points with his mother.

However, detractors argued that Mr. Hancock is lying and said that no politician should take Mr. Hancock’s  political standing over sitting out his term, lying down.

Even if: “no one gives a squat, or takes a stand, about sit-out lies in West Tennessee politics.”

Analysts say that Mr. Hancock has modeled his campaign after the tactics of draft dodgers, migrant workers, and high school dropouts.  As if to emphasize this point, Mr. Hancock has promised voters that, once elected, he will escape to Canada, and beyond, if necessary in order to avoid serving in Washington.

Hampton George, who is also running for the Tennessee Senate seat, demanded that Mr. Hancock set-aside his campaign, now, rather than wait until being elected to go fishing or play bingo with his mother.

Mr. Hancock’s campaign spokes person, his seventy-one year old mother Hannah-Mable, responded by saying that doing nothing without being elected would be equivalent to “freeloading”.

However, Hannah-Mable said, doing nothing while serving in an elected office is equivalent to saving the country from activist government.

The elder Mrs. Hancock also said the campaign’s official position is:

“When an elected politician does something constructive, it violates the will of today’s voters.”

Mr. Hancock’s Wife, Mrs. Mable-Gerry Hancock, added that the campaign’s unofficial position is: “laid back”.

Mr. Hancock’s Daughter, Mable-Zoe, said more often, the position is: “front porch hammock.”

The Momentum Grows

After a week of making sit-aside declarations, Mr. Hancock surged ahead of his opponents in the opinion polls and has received campaign donations, and fishing bait, from every state in the union.

However, donations also have flooded western Tennessee and other parts of the country, which support any individual who has avoided politics altogether.

For example, twenty two year old Henry-Sterling Jackson said he was just shooting hoops in downtown Memphis, when a van drove up and handed him a 300 dollar no-campaign donation for not running and: “never thinking about any idea, or issue, which has ever appeared in print form”.

When he asked “not running for what?” the van’s occupant handed Mr. Jackson another 100 dollars and a set of bumper stickers emblazoned with Bob Dylan’s quote:

“It ain’t me babe. No,No,No, It’s ain’t me that your looking for,


When Mr. Jackson told the van driver that he didn’t have a car to stick a bumper sticker to, the van’s driver gave Mr. Jackson another hundred dollars and thanked him for saving the country from activist thinkers and drivers.

The Professionals Latch On

Pundits across the country said that they suspect the popularity of Vacant Ticker party might have something to do with anti-politician sentiment of the country. However, pundits said the issue has to be further discussed, written about, and shouted back and forth over, before they could take a stand, or switch sides, on the political sit-aside issue.

Adding to the excitment, Sara Palin tweeted State Governors and asked them to do the patriotic thing and quit their jobs.

Former Vice President, Al Gore said, from this Tennessee home, that he had invented the sit-aside campaign ten years earlier, or one month after the two thousand elections. He then suggested that every Senator telecommute to Washington from a windmill powered Mongolian yurt.

Within a week of  Mr. Hancock’s initial sit-aside annoucement, over one and half million unemployed Americans had announced, on their Face book pages, that they had saved American industry from overly-activist CEO’s and should receive campaign donations from the Chamber of Commerce.

As the sit-aside campaign continued to spread, politicians everywhere slowly joined in, claiming if elected, they would runaway to foreign countries, hide in closets, or teach their families to play Bingo.

Hampton George, Mr. Hancock’s Challenger in the Tennessee Senate race, upped the stakes by promising voters that if elected he was willing to hide in the Caucus mountains between Azerbaijan and Dagestan, Russia, until his term was over and it was safe to come out.

Meanwhile, seventy-one year old Mrs. Hancock said if her son was elected she would work hard to help Americans face the reality of the changing demographics of the country, and ,

—make Bingo the new national game.

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