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A Guide to “Understan-ding” the Ex-Soviet Stans

By admin

An Upcoming Future USA?— (The United Stans of Asia)

October 23, 2010

The break-up of the Soviet Union left half of the world’s Stans abandoned, huddled alone in the middle-southwest corner of Asia. Mention any Stan to any Westerner, and eyes glaze over, ears droop, and feet get itchy.

We ignore the Stans at our peril. The only way out is to brighten the eyes, perk up the ears and read the following guide to “understan-ing” the Ex-Soviet Stans:

Tajikistan: Mountain-locked, Ex-Soviet Stan, that is located behind South Central’s Asia’s busiest hanging rug market. Contains massive mountains that refuse to move, tens of thousands of people who can’t find their way out, and Tajiks; a people who speak Persian dialects to each other whenever the Russians leave the room, or yurt. Located north of Afghanistan, south of Kyrgyzstan, and “wa-aay” to close to Pakistan. The country was originally called Hijackistan, until a reformist government changed the name; hoping to pull Tajik wool over the eyes of foreigners, and hide the country’s history of smuggling, stealing, and hijacking.

According NASA and Russian scientists, and Google Earth, the altitude of sixty percent of the land surface of Tajikistan is high enough to be classified as “outer space”.

The economy depends on exports of cotton, building new smuggling routes, and hiding (behind the rugs) from would be creditor countries.

Tajikistan has applied to the world trade organization to have its name changed to “Tax-joke-istan”; in order to attract  “investment”.

The country’s population varies with the snows.

Kyrgyzstan: Located in the middle of six ex-Soviet stans; it is the stan’s own back-stan. That is, when stans are all gone it will be the last stan left standing. Or sitting. Or lying about its location.

Kyrgyzstan is a land-locked country north of Tajikistan, south of Kazakhstan, and known for getting into the way of travelers trying to get from South Asia to Siberia. The rugged mountainous country is also said to bother drivers traveling from the Mid East to China.

Sheep form the backbone of economy. The national GNP violently fluctuates; as flocks cross casually wander back and forth across the country’s borders.

The population is split between the Northern valley Kyrgi’s, a Mongolian related people who spend their entire life memorizing the two hundred thousand line national poem, and Southern valley Uzbeks; a group of people who fled the Northern valley in the 1640’s to avoid Kyrgi poetry recitals.

Kyrgyzstan contains the largest inland salt lake that no one has ever seen, but continues to awe visitors to Google maps.  The outdoor scenery so much resembles the Grand Tetons National Park, that CIA analysts suspect Stalin built the Kyrgyzstan into order to train the Red Army to invade Wyoming.

The country’s population varies with the grazing conditions.

Kazakhstan: The Big Stan. Kazakhstan is the largest landlocked country in the world-and sits smack flat-dab, in the middle of continental Asia and on a good day, is three times the size of Texas .

Flanked by Russia to the west and China to the east, legend has it that the Kazak word for “saltwater fish” also means Martian.

A country of vast grassy steppes, mountains, deserts, and snow capped mountains, Kazakhstan has less than one Russian and five Kazaks per square kilometer. However, it has successfully managed to cram .746 of square miles of land into every square kilometer within its borders.

Kazakhstan recently contained a significant population of Germans and Koreans. Starting in 2008 these populations began migrating back to their homelands when rumor began circulating that Stalin had died. (Though Kazak rumors also suggest that Stalin is hiding inside a town square statue somewhere in Russia or the British History Museum in London.)

Excessive gaudy spending of oil and gas revenues remain the mainstay of the Kazak economy. However raunchy spending of wheat and livestock export revenues provide income to the 95% of the population who have not been told that the country contains large reserves of oil and gas. Kazakhstan also has significant reserves of ancient monopoly-money buried in rock formations located thousands of feet below pre-Soviet era banks.

The country’s population varies with the number rumored Stalin sightings per month.

Uzbekistan: West of Tajikistan, north, of, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan has gotten itself so landlocked that it is surrounded by countries that are, themselves, landlocked.

Uzbekistan recently sold off nine/tenths of its navy, which had been strategically built up under the direction of Central Soviet Planning.

The economy also relies on exports of cotton and photos of a big old mosque located next to the Uzbek city of Samarkaland.

Overuse of pesticides and irrigation by the Soviets have left much of Uzbekistan looking like outer Los Angeles.

On top of this, after one happy Sunday of national bathing, the Ministry of Bathing and Washing Up accidently let the water out the Aral Sea.

Uzbekistan is the most populous Ex-Soviet Stan. Oxford scientists recently revealed the genes of the average Uzbek is a three way mix of Persian, yurt Mongol, and Genghis Khan.

Uzbeks used to speak a Persian language but in 1608 an flock of Turkish speaking Uzbek nomads, stopped to ask the directions to Istanbul. Given five different answers, the nomads got stuck arguing over which way to go and to this day, remain stuck in the same country, debating the best way out.

The country of Iran is rumored to be sending Uzbekistan thousands of printed maps with big fat arrows pointing to the West.

The country’s population varies with the number of invading nomadic tribes.

Turkmenistan: A desert country running from the Caspian Sea on its Western border to Kyrgyzstan on its Eastern border. Turkmenistan is located north of Iran and south of Uzbekistan and lying eighteen thousand feet above the rumored Biblical location of hell. Ninety percent of the land area is exceedingly dry black sand desert; which has saved Northern Europe and Asia by confining Iranians to the Middle East.

Despite its name, less than fifty percent of the people of Turkmenistan are Turkmen. Russians make up 2-4 % of the population, Uzbeks, 8-10%, and Turk-women make up approximately another 40% of the population.

A remaining 6% of the population is classified “other”, a group that scientists have not confirmed exists in the modern era.

Turkmenistan has large reserves of “natural” gas.  However the country’s autocratic government apparatus sits so heavily on the country’s land surface that gas reserves have been leaking out of the bottom of Turkmenistan into the upper chambers of hell.

Turkmenistan contains long stretches of the “silk road”; known to the ancients as the East-West Turkpike.

Turkmen’s people speak Turkmen. Turk-women are not allowed to speak; unless spoken to by their husbands or fathers.

The country’s population is known to vary with the “election” cycle.

Azerbaijan: Ex-Soviet country with millions of people that have such a bad speech impediment; they cannot pronounce the word “Stan”.

That is, millions of Azeri’s, jutter and jammer, whenever asked their country’s correct name. Thousands more of the country’s people have applied to visas to go to the United Jates of America to juuddy at a Jate Universities or government injitutes.  Millions more are trying to improve their Jeaking skills by learning Spapanese and Janish.

In ancient times the country thought it was Albania, until Arabs, invaded and told everyone that Albania was next to Greece.

Azerbaijan is famous for the number of mountain men who claim to be over 100 years old and claim to remember the days, when T-Rexes used to steal everybody’s chickens.

Azerbaijan is also famous for discovering oil during the Early Roman period and using it all up, by selling petroleum skin lotion, for pennies a gourd, before anyone invented the automobile.

The country has too many old people to remember how many kids they had.

Laurel and Hardy-stan: Located somewhere in the Bronx, New York. Made up of former Soviet citizens who get no respect from anyone pretending to be American citizens. Famous for proving to the West that people really can eat borsch and live and breathe for the next twenty four hours.  Citizens of this ex-Soviet stan watch more Russian television than anyone else in the world.

The majority of the population of this country is said to believe they had been kidnapped by aliens and have been taken on Russian Mafia spaceships to a planet owned and run by the Italian, Russian, and Laurel and Hardy-stan, Mafia.

The country’s population is known to vary with the hanging rug “bizness” cycle.

 

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