Super-Computer Race Accelerates—Space-Race Hits a “Void”

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In the new race, the more flops per second, the better

November 7, 2010

The Great Power Space-Race of the late twentieth century, with its orbiting dogs, titan rockets, blast-off rhetoric, and Idelogical conflict has been superseded by the new race to be the world’s top number crunching nation. That is, last month, Terra-flop Magazine announced that China has built the world’s fastest super-computer.

Technology writer Joe Rickunder summed up the Chinese accomplishment:

“Using China’s new Generation TSI computer, you could make a billion Face-book friends in a half-second. That is, in six-tenths of a second, everyone in China could be your friend; except for the grouchy Police Chief in the Qua Ding Province.

In two seconds, everyone in India could be your friend.

Within five seconds, you would already be mad at two billion friends.

In six seconds, you would have made up with half a billion friends.  And signed L.O.L—- at least once— with half the population of the planet.”

The Chinese triumph comes at the expense of the United States which, last year, had just wrestled the “world’s fastest computer” title away from Japan. The top U.S super-computer, located in a temperature-controlled basement at Lawrence Livermore calling center, has the capacity to generate 900 quadrillion political robo-calls per election season.

However, last week the U.S. machine lost out in the number crunching competition to the New Chinese super-computer, dubbed: “Hiane-A-number-1 flopper-machine.”

Demonstrating the computer’s speed before reporters, the Hiane-A1 super-computer ordered 3 billion unique dinner combination from 6 billion Dim Sung-B-number-2 menus in less than one mili-second.

Technology experts said the tightly controlled and strictly regulated 644 processor Chinese machine, outperformed the 888 processors of the U.S. machine.

Lawrence Livermore scientists said a problem with the U.S. computer is that trillions of U.S. generated electrons, occasionally stop, and hang out at critical p-n junctions, whistling at passerby protons; in an attempt to form nuclear families. Further hampering U.S. computer performance, was that small groups of electrons sometimes slow down–just to chill-out— before zipping on through next junction joint.

After the Chinese breakthrough, Japanese scientists promised that within six months, they will unveil and an upgraded 6000 processor, generation TSU, supra-super computer. Japanese officials guaranteed that their generation TSU machine will make the Chinese Hiane-A1 computer look like a Dim Sum-number-4 wet noodle.  

According to Japanese sources, the generation TSU computer is being developed by a secret consortium of scientific institutes and Shinto shrines and reportedly is acting as a front for a more deeply secretive group of Tokyo teenage video game addicts. Using state-of-the-art, artwork and paintings, 3 dimensional computer chips, and a recently developed origami folding algorithm, the new Japanese computer is rumored to be able to reach a state of harmonious inner peace, through rapid self contemplation, within one sixteenth of a second.

North Korea has also joined the race and has burnt billions of used rice kernels in its secret project to beat the wired world at its own game. Announcing the “the trillion brilliantly-tiny glorious flops” campaign, the North Korean computer project already has assembled a sixteen processor machine, which recently produced its first flop.

North Korea’s former top abacus developer and current chip designer, Kim, Kim, Kim:

“Our Glorious Leader’s guidance will insure we reach 20 flops a week by May. By July, we will beat the rest of the world by flopping thousands of times a month. In September our children will join us, in flunking their studies, hundreds of times a week. And next year, North Korea will bury the west by flubbing and floundering more than a million of times each day.”

Meanwhile, Russia’s top scientific news publication “E-Nagda” reported that, by the end of the year, a newly built Putin-Z1 rocket would blast off from Siberia on its mission to plant the first earth-dog on the surface Mars.

And the University of Chicago announced that it was near completion of a 9000 decentralized processor free-market-mimicking computer which, when complete, will be able to engage users in one hundred and sixty-eight different philosophical discussions per minute.

Technology writer Joe Rikunder summed up the promised American accomplishment:

“The Chicago team believes that the number of calculations it takes to have one serious philosophy discussion exceeds all the teraflops that the China number crunchers can generate in a week.”

He then added:

“Of course, the Japanese say that their generation TSU machine will have already worked through all those philosophy discussions by the time it reaches the point of internal harmonious peace.”

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