Breakthrough: Anti-Scientists Discover Matter

By admin

But Congress Not Yet Convinced About the Existence of Scientists

November 28, 2010

Commentators across the United States congratulated a group of anti-scientists who yesterday, said that they had discovered the existence of matter.

The anti-science group, comprising a poet, an unemployed high-school dropout, and three members of the U.S. Congress, were engaged in a heated debate over the true size of the federal deficit, inside a Washington D.C. bar, when a three pound brick fell from the ceiling and smashed two bottles of the beer.

The poet leapt back and shouted: “oh my god, a chunk of matter just fell out of the universe”.

The high school dropout quickly agreed; saying that he lacked both the rhyme and reasoning power to dispute the poet’s claim.

The three members of Congress expressed skepticism that a single brick could solve any matter, particularly the matter over whether the universe contains hard matter. However, when a second brick fell and hit Congressman Harold Swank of Georgia on the head, his colleagues quickly jumped back, revealing, by their actions, that they had accepted the theory that drinking bars contain bricks of matter.

The jumping Congressmen, James Watson of Tennessee and Jeffery James Stanson of South Carolina,  told reporters that their “leap-of–faith to science” only pertains to the existence of matter. The two Congressmen clearly stated that their actions, it in no way, indicates that they “believe in” global warming, Darwinian evolution, or ever trusted a word uttered, or sighed, by Al Gore.

Congressmen Watson of Tennessee;

“Our two bar-brick experiment shows that Isaac Newtonstein got his brain bumped funny when he got hit on the head by that falling apple computer. But even if the universe does have hard protons of matter, Darwin was wrong when he declared that elected officials were descended from the monkeys. Just like Al Gore and the democrats are wrong about carbon gas turning the state of Texas into a big barbecue pit.”

Scientists say that the anti-scientist discovery of matter is significant because, last week, physicists, at the CERN-super collider in Geneva, reported a breakthrough in creating and storing anti-matter.

Scientific observers say that it may be not be an accident that the anti-scientist discovery of matter coincides with the recent achievement of the CERN-based scientists.

That is, physicists argue that universal laws of symmetry may force the discovery of anti-matter by scientists to be balanced by the discovering of matter by anti-scientists.

Therefore, progress in Europe and regress in American must balance to insure that the aggregate level of human intelligence is conserved.

University of Wisconsin physics professor Dr. York Thorpletorp explained:

“If humans are to stay human, we can’t get too much ahead of the game. As knowledge increases, so will ignorance. In the words of Dickens, it will always be the best of times and the worst of times.

At least that how it works for me with women.”

Writer James Ames James disagreed by posting the following comment on the website “Writers Without Work”:

“No one should get too spun around over this idea of balance and symmetry.

It is true when matter and anti-matter come in contact they annihilate with one another.

But not all the matter has been annihilated. The universe contains falling bar-bricks. The universe contains Congressmen. And the universe contains unemployed high school dropouts.

The mere existence of this matter means there’s a surplus of matter over antimatter in the universe.”

Dr. York Torple-torp:

“There IS an excess of matter over antimatter.

And when members of Congress deny the existence of global warming, it provides strong evidence that if scientists and anti-scientists come into contact with one another, that they too will annihilate once another.

Yet, we see a surplus of anti-scientists, in politics, on TV, in the public schools, and at Sarah Palin gatherings.

Therefore the universe contains a surplus of anti-scientists over scientists.”


“We agree, there is a surplus of anti-scientists over scientists; on earth at least.

In sum:

We know, matter and anti-matter destroy one another upon contact.

 We think, scientists and anti-scientist destroy one another upon contact.

We know, when a scientist comes into contact with anti-matter, they store the anti-matter, write ten unreadable papers about it, and generate three anti-scientists in the process.

However, until the Georgia congressman wakes up we don’t know what happens when an anti-scientist comes into contact with matter.”

Congressman Swank Puts the Matter to Rest

Medical Doctors quickly used the James-Ames-James comment to jolt Congressman Harold Swank of Georgia, awake.

Holding his right hand over his scalp, Representative Swank said that, he felt like that a hard brick of matter had convinced him that matter exists.

When asked if the experience had made him a believer in science, the Congressmen said it was too early to tell.

However, Representative Swank told his colleagues that he felt like the top his head was descended from an ape.

And he said that his body felt more heated up than the earth’s atmosphere.

Coming to his senses, the Congressman said he would like to invite Al Gore to the same bar—and have him sit at the same table, and talk about weighty matters, such as Congressional anti-science, devolution of the human race, global warming, and what would happen if a brick of the anti-matter from the CERN experiment, fell out its storage crate and hit a CERN scientist on the head.

The Congressman did say the two bar-brick experiment had convinced him of one thing:

“If that unemployed high school dropout, we were arguing with, ever comes into contact with a real job; the job and the drop-out will, sure-as-fire, annihilate one another.”

Share this story:
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Slashdot
  • StumbleUpon

Leave a Reply