Singles Push for New Marriage Rights

By admin

Why can’t people just marry themselves

December 4, 2011

As same-sex marriage proposals proliferate across the country, a group of California singles demanded that single people should have the right to self-marry. Pave Vivid the film director explained:

“Why can’t I marry myself? I am the same sex as me. If we allow same- sex marriage, I should be able to take myself down to some church and take a vow to dedicate my life to me. I mean, half of the singles I know, already have sex with themselves. So why not just make it official?”

The self-marriage proposal was met by stiff opposition from the USA family-family association that announced that a marriage is a sacred vow between a man’s self image and a woman’s body.

The self-marriage proposal also was met by opposition from gay groups who said marriage is a legal agreement between two consenting adults.

The self-marriage proposal also was met by opposition from singles groups who said that marriage is a suburban prison, which singles should have the freedom to avoid by living alone.

However, most married couples supported the self-marriage proposal. These couples claim that, after ten years, married couples feel like they are married to themselves anyway.

The USA family-family association hit back by blasting same-sex marriage altogether:

“This proposal shows that same-sex marriage leads to self-marriage, which leads to premarital self-sex, which can lead to the disease of self-worship, which if it progresses further, can lead a man or a woman to go into politics.”

Politicians across the country objected to the USA family-family comment saying the route to politics also requires time in law school and years of premarital self-courtship.

Politicians from a variety of backgrounds took the occasion to proclaim that they opposed same-sex marriage, same-sex sex, and anything else that could be labeled same-sex; except bathrooms and exclusive gentlemen clubs with cigar rooms.

The politicians then proposed to ban “single-gender schools and colleges”, saying such schools lead students to engage in same-sex study sessions and even can lead students to study alone.

Teachers across the country responded to the political comments by forcefully stating that students, at every school or university, should study alone, by themselves, at least eighty percent of the time.

The USA family-family association quickly denounced the national teachers association for promoting habits which could lead to singles to developed self-centered relationships, which could lead singles to engage in excessive self-contemplation and self-marriage.

Gay organizations called for the abolishment of single-gender schools and universities altogether, saying single-gender schools generate too much student-to-student flirting which can prevent students from concentrating on the content of their studies.

The “Christian marriage-is: procreation-and-washing-dishes-association,” joined the discussion by stating that their organization had no objection to same-sex marriage. The Christian group stated that married couples belonging to their congregation reported practicing the same sex every week.

Several same-sex couples joined the discussion to claim they rarely engage in the same sex from night to night, or even practice sex on the same piece of furniture more than once a week.

Mixed gender couples came forward to claim they that engage in the same sex only when they are mad at each other.

Self-sex singles came forward and said they would like to increase the variety of their sex life and would prefer to have the same-sex with different genders rather than have different sex with the same gender.

Sex education teachers came forward and said that grading exams made them never want to have sex ever again.

A Modesto California man appeared on KPPS radio and told viewers than eight years earlier, he had secretly married himself, in an underground church basement, but that he had recently decided he wanted a divorce because he had caught himself in bed with a young blonde woman.

He said one of the advantages of marrying and divorcing himself is that he could pay his own alimony; so that he would not lose anything if he skipped paying alimony.

He told viewers that the young woman that he had caught himself with, had been so opposed to same-sex marriages, that she routinely changed husbands every week.

He told viewers that, once he divorced himself, he planned to marry the young woman, anyway and see if he could c0vince her to procreate.

The Modesto California man said, his long term goal was to stay married long enough to have the experience of washing dishes together with his wife in a common kitchen sink.

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One Response to “Singles Push for New Marriage Rights”

  1. Ralph

    Amusing article on singles.

    Ralph from the office


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