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Wiki-leaks Surprise: U.S. Diplomats Are First Rate Gossipers

By admin

–Junior High Cafeteria Skills Help Defend Our Country.

Dec 11, 2011

As the press denounces, publishes, and earns money off Wiki-leak stories from around the globe, Americans have fixated on the Wiki-gossip.

Russian President Putin wears pullover Sweaters.

The Foreign Minister of Bulgaria doesn’t like Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan anymore.

Libyan leader Qadhafi goes ‘everywhere’ with his blonde ‘nurse.’

China used to be friends with North Korea, but now the Dear leader is mad at China and won’t show him his economy anymore.

Meanwhile, foreign Wiki-readers have expressed amazement over the truly superior gossiping skills of American diplomats.  Cable after cable reveals, that rather than wasting money and time providing analysis of a country’s economy, or offering a strategic discussion of different country’s military strengths, or presenting statistical analysis of a regional demographics, U.S. diplomatic cables have zeroed in what kind of ties a country’s President’s wears, what liquor the interior ministry drinks, and which government officials have a blond haired mistress.

Juku O-Conklin, a sophomore at Pasco high school in Dade City, Florida told his face book friends:

“The Wiki-gossip tells me that the U.S. Government sure has got some chillin foreign jobs. Hanging,—like— they pay you to chill and rag on what’s happening. Wiki-leaks said the head-Calderon-honcho of Mexico is down on Lady Gaga, but he’s OK with Beyonce.  I mean, being some U.S. ambassador, is like,— going over there– and doing your face book.”

Defense department analyst General Humphrey Bog-Trumph discussed the situation with the military’s Stars and Stripes newspaper:

“Everybody moans about the poor state of American high schools. But it turns out, the American high school provides first rate training for working in the diplomatic core. In fact, as far as I can tell from Wiki-leaks, our nation’s junior-high cafeteria centers are doing a great job developing the nation’s diplomatic skills.”

Writer James Ames James posted the following comment on the website:  “Writers without Work (www.www.un)”:

“I deduced that America’s most skilled diplomats are assigned to Moscow. So I examined the language of the Moscow’s embassy’s cables to increase my understanding of international relations and learn something about the refined language of diplomatic nuance.

It turns out that Russian Premier Vladimir Putin is swooping about like Batman and while President Medvedev hops after him like Robin. I mean,–Holy Jumping Smoke–, if there is an nuclear exchange between Russia and China diplomatic cables will read: POW!, BANG! and maybe even: KER–WOP!! “

German diplomat Herich Gersher told Der Spiegal Magazine:

“In light of the revelations of Americans highest paid diplomats, I suggest that Prime Minister Angela Merkle address the nation in a cat-woman outfit. Not only would the Americans be quick to recognize our efforts, but the CIA might help us steal a Russian Bat-mobile.”

Russian Premier Putin responded angrily to the American comic book depiction of his leadership—claiming that the Americans had got it completely wrong. He then, hinted that while he may act like the mild mannered Clark Kent in diplomatic settings, there is a more dramatic side to his leadership that only the more distressed Russian people know about.

However, one revelation to come from Wiki-leaks has surprised no one:

U.S. diplomats like to show off and boast about the parities they went to.  

Said defense department analyst Humphrey Bog-Trumph:

“When the U.S. military sends soldiers overseas they get a tent or barracks. A few lucky soldiers might be put in base housing. Occasionally there is a Friday night poker game. But, at least, soldiers don’t write international reports about it.

In contrast, embassy employees aggressively exercise their deep seated need to tell everybody about the parties they get invited to. I always figured it must be important,– somehow. But the Wiki-leaks reports tell me that our embassy people are not seeing anything different at all these diplomatic social events than what we see, when we dig latrines.”

The Afghan President Leaks his Own Wiki

Meanwhile, Afghan President Karzai-told reporters that the U.S. diplomats who wrote the dispatches claiming that he was paranoid about being watched and reported on, must have been watching and reporting on him—proving that he is more perceptive and less paranoid, than the average U.S. diplomat.

The Afghan president then said that he believes Wiki-leaks and the CIA are working together to bug the Afghan presidential place, and his wife’s jewelry so they can leak news of Afghan budget plans to financial markets around the globe. The Afghan president then blamed New York speculators , Goldman Sachs, and George Soros, for fomenting rumors about the upcoming afghan ministry of agricultural budget—in order to drive up stock prices around the world.

When asked about his current plans, the Afghan president told a reporter for the Star and Stripes Magazine:

 “None of ‘it’ is true. I did not bribe President Calderon of Mexico. In fact, I like lady Gaga. I don’t know why he doesn’t like her. It wasn’t me.”

Juku O-Conklin, a wrote on his face book :

 “The Karzai-guy– in the slanted sheep hat– looks like is fixation to do a U-tube dance video with Lady Gaga.”

General Humphrey Bog-Trumph told Stars and Stripes:

“This shows us, as we already knew. That Karzai is, and has always been, his own Wiki-leaker.”

James Ames James posted a final comment on the “Writers without Work” website:

“Too bad Wiki-leaks is going under. I am sure the diplomats in Kabul are writing a new cable on Karzai as he speaks. I would be really interested whether the U.S. diplomatic service has decided that President of Afghanistan is: “The Joker” Or maybe instead, they think he is: “The Penguin”.

Or maybe, the diplomats are out to lunch at some cafeteria, gossiping, and have decided that Afghan President Karzai  is, and always has been:

“The Riddler.”

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