Unemployed Michigan Man Reports He Cannot Feel “The Pain”

By admin

Sacrifice is not being evenly shared

March 2, 2011

An unemployed auto worker from Flint Michigan has told Flint radio station W-FLINT that he feels no pain. Since being laid off from GM-assembly line, the auto worker said he has experienced:

– anxiety,

–sleepless nights,

— and,

– a lingering “Jimmy Carter malaise.”

Yet, the laid off autoworker claims he has not felt “the pain”.

”I know everybody is talking about sharing ‘the pain’.  But, I don’t have any to share. Even my neck and rear end feel pretty good.”

When pressed by a W-FLINT reporter the man—who asked to be identified as “U.e.-PLOY”  admitted that it  did hurt  “a little bit” after he dropped a lug wrench on his right foot. But U.e.-PLOY said his foot pain went away; even before he found a job.

U.e.  added:

“I don’t know what the President and the news reporters are taking about.  I’ve been checking up and down my body to find a sore spot. All I can find is the bump on my right foot.”

As the radio interviewer pressed in, U.E. elaborated:

”I got an up and down worry over my car payments which has pushed up a high wrinkle onto my lower brow. And a fresh crop of gray hairs has sprouted inside my ears. But guess what? It turns out; gray hair is just like regular hair. It doesn’t hurt, even when you cut it. That was a big surprise.”

W-FLINT: ”Maybe you feel pain but don’t know it is pain. Do you howl and moan in your sleep?”

U.e PLOY: ”No, but since I’ve was laid off, I can translate the howls and moans on the radio back into bar-talk  English.”

W-FlINT: ”You can translate ‘the pain’?”

U.e: ”I can de-moan and de-howl–blues songs, liberal whines, and, every conservative radio-rant in the state of Michigan.

This is a skill you pick up when you have time to listen to the radio.”

W-FLINT: ”So you feel other people’s pain?”

U.e:  ”I learned that anger, whining, and, wailing up and down a musical scale, translate into one short sentence.”

W-FLINT: “Which is?”

U-e: “Hank Williams already had a song about that a long time ago.”

W-FLINT: “You can feel pain from Hank Williams?”

U-e: “You know, worrying about car payments is a rush. You can get high from it. Though it is not as fun as getting mad at politicians. I think you radio guys enjoy life more.“

W-FLINT:  “Do you have any illegal worries?”

U.e. “No, but when I stop worrying, I get low.”

W-FLINT: ”But doesn’t feeling low— hurt?”

U.e: ”No, feeling low, feels low.”

W-FLINT: “Not hurt?”

U.e.-PLOY: ”Only when I dropped lug wrenches on my foot.”

Post Interview Stress Disorder

The day after the U.e.-PLOY-radio interview,  a caller claiming to run the Wisconsin-Cromwall Hedge Fund  told W-FLINT radio that he also didn’t feel ‘the pain’.

Asked to explain, Mr. Cromwall told radio reporters, that after he lost 4.2 million dollars in the 2009 Wall Street crash,  his wife ran off with a Domino’s pizza delivery man, and he  was forced to sell his house and move into an abandoned doughnut shop.

”Every time a politician tells me he can feel my pain, I figure he must be thinking about how much he hated going to Cripsy Cream to meet voters.”

W-FLINT: ”But doesn’t feeling low, hurt?”

‘Who’s low.  Running a Hedge Fund was like having—every day—-your head crushed inside a lug wrench. A little Jimmy Carter malaise beats hedge fund stress. For alimony, my ex-wife sends me a new pizza every night . And in my new room, I can breathe in a sweet sugar-high; six hours a night.”

The nation’s politicians quickly attacked U.E PLOY and “that Cromwall”  for not sharing the nation’s pain.

Michigan Governor:

“Thousands of Americans have lost their savings, their homes and are feeling ‘the pain’, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.  It’s not fair that two laid off, half-homeless, bums don’t feel the pain.  It’s no fair just worrying and getting depressed about your condition.”

Wisconsin Governor:

“I am sure these two guys belong to some Union who is secretly giving them money and pain killers.”

As the attacks escalated, U.e.  called into W-Flint with the following message:

“I’m really sorry. I’m willing to stub my toe or something if it helps the nation”.

Michigan State Psychiatrist, Maudy Finger-Tup walked into the W-Flint studio and offered to explain without “charging” a fee:

“Some people adjust to crisis better than others. My analysis is the man known as U.e. PLOY, has the wrong president. He is actually overcome with Reagan anti-union malaise and as a side effect is hearing Ronald Reagan ‘feel good’ speeches in his head. So it takes a fallen lug wrench to make him feel pain.

As for the Hedge Fund manager, he clearly likes pizza more than sex with his wife. I ‘m sure he’s prefers the toppings he’s getting.”

Politicians immediately denounced Dr. Finger-Tup for not demanding that Americans sacrifice more pizza toppings.

Wisconsin Governor: “Dr. Finger-Tub is another pubic salary shrink, who refuses to shrink his income. I bet he spends half of his workday lying around on his own couch. Face it, in these hard times patients should be forced to stand up and salute during therapy.”

Louisiana Governor:  “For the cost of ten state funded-Maudy Finger-Tups I can play one Hank Williams song and cure thousands of unemployed people of any pain.  And while we are at it, I recommend the nation’s unemployed to use craw-fish as a pizza topping.”

A New York City hedge fund manager called W-FLINT and said he had lost 4.6 millions dollars but, despite his larger-than-Cromwall fund loss, his wife refused to run off.

W-FLINT: “Does your  wife give you any pains?”

NY-fund manager: “Only in the neck, rear, and back-wallet”.

W-FLINT: “Did, you try dropping a lug wrench on her foot?”

NY Fund manager: “foot?”

W-FLINT: ‘‘Afterwards, take your wife out for pizza and order a craw-fish topping. She will run off with the pizza boy. If you get any more Jimmy Carter malaise we have a Michigan man, who can translate your pain into a Hank Williams song;.  which, for a fee, we are willing to play and share with the rest of the nation. Help us share the pain. It’s what the politicians have been begging us to do.”

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