Lost New Jersey Man Found Hiding Inside The U.S. Government Budget

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Such Much Spending No One Person Knows What and Who Else is Hidden in the Budget.

March 29, 2012

For years, conservatives have complained that the U.S. Government Budget plan is so vast that no-one person knows what it truly contains. Last week officials of Washington’s Office of Management of Budget (OMB) confirmed that suspicion when they announced that a homeless man had been found living inside the U.S. Government Budget.

Red-faced OMB officials said they discovered the man, former Trenton New Jersey Bartender Harvey Holihob, living inside a makeshift HUD subsidy buried deep within a hidden region of a New Jersey Earmark.  Mr. Holihob, who had mysteriously disappeared from his Trenton home in 2002, emerged from the forgotten HUD subsidy looking somewhat spent, but was reported to be in good spirits.

Mr. Holihob was quoted in “The Capitol’s Capital Magazine” as saying:

“I don’t know how it happened.  I signed up for a U.S. Government program to teach bartenders cash-register management techniques. Soon, the U.S. Post Office was sending me gobs of paper work. Before you know it, this growing earmark just swallowed me completely up. Within a month, I could not even find a bathroom that did not have a Homeland security guard standing in front of each toilet stall “.

Off the record Mr. Holihob added:

“At first, it was not so bad. I built a shelter out of HUD subsidies and IRS mortgage deductions. And I figured out how to splice farm payments, food stamps, and surplus school lunches into an edible USDA meal.”

Back on the record Mr. Holihob added:

“After a while, I really began to enjoy living inside this New Jersey earmark. But then, the day after the second Bush election, I tripped fell into a deficit hole and bruised my right leg. That was when I realized I was trapped inside the U.S. Government Budget. I called 911 and the Defense Department responded by sending me a 600 dollar toilet seat”

As news of Mr. Holihob’s rescue spread, homeowners inundated Congress with requests to search inside the U.S. Budget for lost pets and relatives.

White House officials quickly admitted that it was possible that live animals and other Americans could be living inside the more remote regions of the U.S. Government Budget.

In response, Congress proposed hiring a team of private sector accountants to explore the extreme outer and inner regions of the U.S. Government Budget. A group of Congressmen from Texas introduced a Bill which mandated that the exploratory-accounting team fill in the blank spaces of the budget map with spreadsheets of waste and fraud data. A second Congressional team from Alabama and Mississippi added a rider to the Bill which ordered mandated the exploratory to search for: “America’s lost gold standard, Spanish silver dollars, and pagan mounds of half buried Indian-head pennies”.

Congressmen Thaddeius Maxigrandon the III of Northern Mississippi told “The Capitol’s-Capital Magazine”:

“I would not be surprised if the accounting team found Amelia Earhart and her propeller plane, living on top of some long lost aircraft carrier. “

Gulfport Mississippi Bartender Thad Maxigrandon the IV told his facebook readers:

“Watch my Dad’s exploratory-accounting team run into billions of passenger pigeons breeding in some misplaced national park.”

A FBI spokesman told the Washington Post that he hoped the accounting team could find the nation’s top ten missing millionaires, each who were rumored, to be hiding inside the one or more of the three thousand IRS tax loopholes.

AN EPA spokesperson told Capitol’s Kapital Magazine that she feared the worst for the lost tax evaders; since tax loophole air quality had deteriorated over the past twenty years with the escalation of pollution escape clauses.

An  Health and Human Services HHS spokesperson told “Misspent Magazine” that most tax loopholes are packed with medical equipment and moonlighting doctors so that any missing tax loophole millionaires would be getting superior tax free medical treatment.

A Congressman, who refused to disclose his identity, told Capitol Kapital magazine that two years ago, as he was searching for possible ways to cut Government spending, two of his staff  members got themselves lost, for over a week, inside the U.S. Government Budget. He said, fortunately, a senior college sent out a search party of older economists who found the missing staff members huddled inside a Department of Interior grazing subsidy. He said, after the close call, he ordered all staff members to scour the U.S. Budget in pairs, and leave behind a note explaining which Department’s accounts were being investigated each day.

As news of the bartender’s rescue spread President Obama appeared on the radio and said that there was no truth to rumor that that he been born, or conceived, inside a Lyndon Johnson, Medicare deficit.

However, the President did say—he would immediately reverse the New Jersey earmark and order OMB to use bar-room cash registers when reviewing the U.S. budget each year.

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